Ken Savage Making IT in Massachusetts

Comments

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  Lolana

  12/02/2009 at 4:56 am

  It makes me feel better to come back to this page and read.

  Silent treatment from family has gone on for years now.

  My brother was the only one who would talk to me, and very little at that.

  They ignore me because the topic of my mother is forbidden in the family. My Mom was the bitter enemy of my Dad’s current wife. She died when I was young.

  Mom died, Dad remarried this woman, with whom he’d been having an affair for a number of years. She immediately had two kids, who were the brightest spots in the very dark adolescent years that followed. I loved them and took good care of them, but they also learned that I was on some kind of a lower plane than they were, and that it was OK to act like a jerk to me. I tried not to blame them for their insensistivity.

  My Mom’s existence became a secret. I wanted to tell my little brother and sister that I (and my other sister) had an actual Mom who had been really cool. But we were not allowed to talk about my Mom, have pictures, etc. I lost almost all my memories of her.

  I tried to be a good sister to my younger siblings and invited them all into my home and my life, introduced them to my friends, entertained them when they came to town, etc. We are all grown now.

  But they just didn’t seem that interested in me and for over a decade now just do not call or anything, ever. When I have seen them, they ask nothing about my life, they are not interested. It is sad.

  My brother is in the military and went to Afghanistan and I finally wrote him a letter and told him about what happened in the family and why I can’t be around them anymore. I really tried to consider his feelings as I wrote the letter, but I needed him to know I cannot play their games anymore. Their favorite game is Why Lolana Needs To Be Straightened Out. I am a successful person in my career, have a loving partner, and have lived an interesting life, had many lovers, (but settled down for 7 years now). I am a cool person to know. My friends are interesting and accomplished and sometimes well-known. I live in a big, international city, and it’s a great place to visit. A few years ago I was amazed to find that all my siblings wanted to get together. We all met in Vegas for a weekend and it was a bit strange. They acted as if they really didn’t want to be there.

  I tried to ignore their weirdness, because I was happy to see them all, and after years of silence, I thought it was nice that they would make the effort. Previously they had never been interested in coming back home at the same time I did, etc.

  During the trip, I told them stories about my life, about my boyfriend, my job, and an ex boyfriend who fell on misfortune, who they all knew. It was odd because none of them shared information about their own lives. My sister, who had three kids with one on the way, did not talk about her children at all. My brother related one anecdote and everyone sort of sneered at it in a condescending way, and he never said another word. I was the only one who yakked on and on, being the entertainer.

  I began to feel uncomfortable, as if they were having conversations about me behind my back. But I ignored it, because they have always been strange. But at the end of the weekend, they sat me down and told me they disapproved of my personal life choices. It was a sit-down confrontation-style event. I was stunned that they had been discussing me amongst themselves in such a way. They didn’t offer the details of their lives, their problems and conflicts and heartbreaks and triumphs—nothing of the sort–so for them to sit down and judge me was such a surprise..shouldn’t have been since my Dad and Stepmom have been doing that exact thing my entire life. But I am an adult now, and have been on my own for quite a long time, fighting my battles and losing at love and then finally winning….I am proud of what I’ve made of myself and it was such a horrible shock, what they did. Partly because my sister, my full sister with whom I share a Mom, had always confided in me with a “please don’t tell Mom and Dad” proviso “because you know how judgemental and meddling they are” etc etc.

  This very sister led the charge…without ever having talked to me in private…in fact now I remember that when the two of us went off by ourselves just one time out of the whole weekend, she chose not to talk to me, but made small talk with someone else.

  So they saved this bit of sincerity for the last 20 minutes of the whole trip…then got on a plane. My sister and half sister departed immediately after, and I was left with my brother and my Dad. My stepmom had stayed behind to take care of my sister’s kids.

  After it sunk in what had happened, I began to cry…I couldn’t help it….it was devastating.

  My brother wouldn’t talk to me about it afterward, when I asked him if he was part of it he said yes, but refused to discuss it further. When I started crying then, he terminated the conversation.

  So finally I realized I can never have any kind of honest relationship with these people unless I have it known that 1)you must respect me and 2) you must respect my mother’s memory. I tried to convey my thoughts to my brother in letters, which I sent with care packages, to Afghanistan.

  He did not respond at all. I think I got one email from him when he first went over. I recorded all my friends to cassette saying they wished him well and sending thoughts to his troops, and sent a small cassette player and batteries so he could hear them. I sent wonderful pictures of the family from all ages, including pics of me and my little sister when we were little—pics he probably had never seen since our old life was forbidden topic…very cute pics too. I didn’t send any of my mom, just us kids.

  And of course I sent some other stuff that he needed.

  After the third package and no response I stopped sending things. I was too upset. I wanted to be supportive but with no acknowledgement I just thought “fuck it.”

  When he got back, he actually called me and we had like an hour of chitchat. I was delighted to hear from him.

  Then nothing after that.

  Then the shooting happened at Ft. Hood.

  That’s where he was.

  I was alarmed and called and left a message. Hours later having heard nothing back I called again and practically begged for a call back. I said “just two words: I’m OK. that’s all I want to hear”

  I also emailed my Dad, and he did email me back the next day to let me know he was OK.

  I knew hearing nothing was probably no big deal, no news is good news kind of thing, but I hardly slept that night. The phone never rang.

  And it still hasn’t.

  I wish I were more surprised, because my family has elevated ignoring me to a fine art over the years.

  But after this I realize I have to protect myself. I simply cannot go there anymore.

  Oh, and that is not even mentioning the packages I sent to my sister’s kids, who in friendlier days I really liked. No response, no reply nothing.

  My stepmom has been telling lies about me since day one. It is all through my high school journals, she would make things up to make it look like I said and did things I didn’t say or do. My sister would believe her and if I got her off by herself once in a blue moon she would sometimes tell me what was said and I would be able to tell her I had said no such thing.

  I can only imagine what’s been made up about me. It does sort of shock and horrify me that these kids I cared for so much and gave so much of myself to over the years, do not even care that I had a Mom, or that her memory deserves recognition. My little half sister stopped speaking to me after I was a little tipsy and brought up my mother in conversation on the phone one night. That was it, boom, she never talked to me again except to be a bitch. (A month after I lost a job I’d held for 11 years, and I sent an email to the family seeking feedback/support, she told me it was time to “move on.” And also mentioned that I was wrong about what I was asking in the email. It was done in such a condescending, smarmy way (“I only care about you and want the best for you” and so you should stop feeling the way you’re feeling right now and just get over it.” kinda thing). She is 14 years younger and certainly never worked a job she cared passionately for for over a decade, at that point…and it wasn’t like I was bothering them with emails ..it was my first one!!!

  My father’s part was to tell me that I was at fault for the problems, and that I should “work on myself.”

  (I’ve been in and out of therapy for some 15 years now, mostly in.)

  At some point I wonder if any of them will try to gain my trust again. Probably not, because the family myth is that I’m a fuckup. No matter what the truth is, I guess my sibs will always believe that. They will always believe I am not worth knowing, because that is what their parents encourage them to believe. My stepmom doesn’t like me because I remind of my mother—-and she hated me from the beginning, was very violent and abusive while we were growing up. My sister would just beg forgiveness for her ‘transgressions’ (picture this, a seven year old child begging forgiveness from someone who is terrorizing her…I will never forget some of the things that happened).

  It is so horrible and sad, and they are far away, and I guess I have to really and truly put these people behind me.

  I am grateful that along the way, I have had such wonderful friends outside the family who have given me wisdom and strength and compassion. My mother did teach me how to love, and and be loved, and for that I am very grateful. I am also grateful that my memories of her are coming back, after several years of completely not speaking to the member of the family who wish to forget she ever existed. It is awful to me that two people my mother loved more than anything—my father and my sister–would shun me because I think my mother should be remembered and that her memory should not be hidden like a shameful secret.

  What do I do if they try to get into my life again? How could I ever trust them again? For several years I cannot describe the depression after the Vegas trip happened (2006). The Christmas after was terrible. I am feeling better now.

  But holidays just suck. These people really tried to make me believe that my reality is “wrong” and that my ideas about what life is about, are inappropriate and silly. I sort of thought my brother cared a little, but all he was really doing was making gestures to make himself feel less guilty about ignoring me, maybe. When my brother was little he and my Dad came to see me where I live, we spent a week, did all kinds of things, it was fun and good for my brother, and he got better soon after.

  That it’s all for nothing and they simply must cease to exist for me is so weird. But as far as they are concerned I obviously might as well be dead. It has been so long now.

  Any thought welcome but mostly thanks for letting me tell my story of the silent treatment and how it has worked in my life.

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    Sue

    12/09/2009 at 5:47 pm

    Lolana

    You sound like veyr beautiful communicative person. I read all your postings (it took awhile). Your mother should absolutely have been acknowledged. Well done for trying to build the bridges, I’m sure that was not easy at all.

    Know who your true friends are from the actions, and respect, from people all the little signs too. Take note of who adds positivity to your life and who leaves you feeling down or upset. Then take action accordingly. It is their issues, you can only control what is within your control.

    We all like to have good relations with our nearest and dearest, it seems its not always possible. Not everyone knows how to be civil or decent in relations.

    I am glad you seem to be happier now, it helps to see the situation for what it truly is, warts and all. Helps the healing for us. Then we know how to deal with it, for our own well being.

    The answer here is to do the things for you that make you happy and take care of yourself. You sound a really lovely person, thank you for sharing your situations, and I’m sure it helped you air it, but know that you have also helped others such as myself.

    All the very best to you.

    Sue

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  Venus

  12/02/2009 at 2:30 pm

  Denise, I don’t agree with your article. It’s not that people “allow” someone be rude or mean or completely shut them out of their life. We are only responsible for our own actions, not someone else’s, no matter how much one “loves” themself. I cannot tell you how many times I told my husband that stonewalling me does not resolve any problems, yet he continued to do it, willingly and out of spite. For days, weeks, months. Can you imagine living in a home with someone who refuses to speak to you, even when you ask how their day is? I would leave the house, go for a workout, visit with family, but no matter what, he would still be avoiding/ignoring me with no explanation whatsoever. It is complete emotional abuse. I was happy in all areas of my life except for my marriage and dreaded going home to him because of this “treatment.” Eventually I stopped engaging him altogether. And by the time the last episode ended I was completely mentally checked out of our relationship. I couldn’t do it any longer. I would never ever do this to anyone, not even him, not even now.

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    Lolana

    12/05/2009 at 4:29 am

    yes yes yes yes….thank you for saying this…

    all we can do is control our own actions and a straightforward and nonthreatening invitation to talk is not abuse, no matter what.

    refusing to talk is mental and emotional violence. i’m talking about the silent treatment that never ends like you’re describing. No matter what you do, you cannot win, and it doesn’t help when other people tell you to “take the high road” “try to be more understanding” “respect their pain” when they are not respecting yours.

    my stepmom and other family members rebuffed my attempts at communication by telling me I was just wrong and that I should get over the past. unfortunately the present is not improved, it is worse.

    there are all kinds of mental tricks people use to justify this behavior and I buy none of them anymore.

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  Kathi

  12/03/2009 at 1:15 am

  I’d like some insight into my adult children who are giving me the silent treatment. I have a wonderful, close relationship with my daughter’s children, my grandchildren. My daughter, whose father abandoned her when she was 13, has adopted this tough girl persona, and I have been at the brunt of all of her issues for 18 years. She is now 31. While it would take way too long to go into all the issues, and there are always two sides to every story — mine in a nutshell is she and my son got angry at me — won’t tell me why, won’t give me the opportunity to resolve the issue (I’m a communicator), won’t give me the opportunity to apologize (for whatever I did — they said I would figure it out). And, my daughter has now decided to give me the silent treatment for 5 months and not let me see my grandkids. She has no issues with my love and care for them — she just uses them as pawns to control me. I was left out of the first day of school, my granddaughter’s 2nd birthday, Thanksgiving, my grandson’s birthday is tomorrow, and I fear Christmas. I’m struggling with this, and I’ve already tried twice in the last 5 months to open communication, but it’s stonewalled. I read all the articles, I do my spiritual, physical, volunteer work, etc., I don’t rely on them for my happiness, but I feel abandoned, alone and I suffer heartache over not seeing my grandchildren for so long. There are no articles on emotional abuse from adult children to parents (in this case single mother). Everyone says I have to wait, which is what I’ve been doing, but I am suffering over the loss of the love and affection of my family, and mostly my sweet grandchildren, who adore me and probably don’t know what in the he** is going on.

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    Lolana

    12/05/2009 at 4:54 am

    Wow that just is so sad, I am so sorry. You know what I have a friend whose daughter is doing the exact same thing to her. She is a lovely woman and her daughter has somehow turned her son against her. He says the most awful things to her and then ignores her calls, said he would call on her birthday and then didn’t call until 11:30 that night, she got sadder and sadder as the day went on, she was so close to her grandson and helped raise him when he was a little kid because her daughter was very young and needed the help. I think he even lived with her for all those years.

    Me too. I do all the spiritual stuff too. The only thing that would get them to talk to me is groveling and saying what a jerk and a slob I am and hopefully I can reform my ideas and feelings more to their liking. Adult children and grandchildren do abuse their parents and grandparents and my grandmother used to take terrible abuse from my aunt, and from one of my cousins. I always wondered why she didn’t stand up to them.

    After years and years of being the “communicator” and “trying” I have given up with my family and it’s like a weight off my chest. There is absolutely nothing I have to say, to someone who refuses to speak to me and ignores emails and doesn’t return letters or online greetings of any sort.

    And I don’t want to hear anymore how “hard” the issues are for them or on them. It’s always harder on the one who gets ignored, who doesn’t get taken seriously, who gets dissed behind the back and who never gets an answer to the basic question of “what are the charges against me?” That’s what our constitution is for….and that’s how our law of the land handles disputes…we have the right to know charges against us, if we are to be punished or held accountable for some terrible wrong we have done.

    Course that took a beating in Guantanamo, but I digress.

    Hope you see my point, though, that everyone has a right to know what the problem is, if someone is punishing them for something. Withholding that information or response is nothing but “I have power over you.” That’s all it is.

    And Patricia Evans says in her book about Verbal Abuse, that there are two kinds of power: power Over others, and power With others. Abusers think in terms of power over others—everything is a power game to them. Someone must always come out on top, and that means someone always has to come out the bottom.

    If you’re thinking in terms of resolving the issue, then you are working toward a different power type of power arrangement amongst people. That would be power “with” others, the kind of collaborative power that combines the intellects and abilities of a group of people who trust each other enough to put their best self forward. This kind of collaborative atmosphere depends on truth, trust and accountability. Communication is a checks and balances system. You cannot right the system all by yourself, and if it is damaging your heart and hurting, maybe you are trying too hard, maybe it’s better to let them go.

    I sure feel better since I let my Ignorers go, and it is an amazing feeling when you are surrounded by people who like you, think you’re cool, and would never dream of freezing you out.

    Just a whole other universe. Life really does not have to suck like that. And I don’t have to be anywhere that people are ensuring it will suck by their crappy behavior. I can leave.

    And I’m glad I did….but does it hurt?

    Yeah, it hurts. But I cannot control them. I tried everything for so many years, danced to their tunes and went along with their humiliation rituals. Not anymore.

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  Stephanie

  12/03/2009 at 4:05 am

  Wow. I’m glad I came across this article tonight. Presently, I’m the recipient of someone’s “silent treatment.” I’ve been baffled by this person’s unresponsive behavior. We seemed to be forming a good friendship–emailing and texting frequently, talking on the phone–and then BAM! He suddenly stopped responding to any attempt I made at communicating with him. I reflected back upon the day that the silent treatment began and tried to determine if I might have offended him or hurt his feelings somehow. I can’t think of anything I might have done to cause him to simply ignore me. I sent one last email asking if I had done something to anger him and I stated that ignoring someone certainly doesn’t help to correct a problem. Well, that’s the last attempt I’m making at reaching out to him.

  What troubles me the most is that I simply don’t know what happened, what caused the behavior. Was it something I did? Didn’t do? I’m someone who likes to acknowledge mistakes so that I don’t repeat them, but if someone doesn’t tell me what I might have done wrong, then I can’t take any corrective action.

  Or is he just an immature jerk, cowardly ignoring confrontation? If he simply lost interest in me or decided he didn’t like me, that’s fine. I’m a big girl–I can take well-communicated rejection. I won’t fly out of control if someone says, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore and I don’t like you.” It would hurt, but at least I can appreciate the candor and closure.

  I do think that some people are inclined to use the silent treatment because they can’t argue or discuss sensitive or difficult topics effectively. It is a power trip for them. It is emotionally abusive, in my opinion. The behavior seems to be a tool used by an immature and slightly sadistic mind.

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    Lolana

    12/05/2009 at 5:35 am

    Sounds like your energy is better spent elsewhere..well you were just getting to know him.

    I learned to not play with this type of guy who will do this, ie behave like a jerk and act like it’s your fault he’s being a jerk.

    You can spot em pretty good when you come to the point in the relationship where they don’t put their nice on and you see what they’ll really do in a conflict situation.

    If you get out before you’re too involved, you’ll laugh later about what a bonehead he was and thank god you dodged that bullet.

    i agree, it’s disgusting behavior. it’s like a hot stove for me…just can’t put my hand there. sometimes that type of thing fascinated me because I was sure I had done something wrong and felt I had to find out why. Truth is it wasn’t about me, it was about the other person, in all these cases. Because they did it not to me, but others around them, too. Once i realized that, I realized that these people just learned for whatever reason, that it’s OK to be a jerk to people. One guy did this to me, and I actually blew him off completely after that because I was really kind of liking him. I just stopped it cold, and after a while he came wondering why I didn’t come talk to him anymore (at work) and I just hemmed and hawed with some bullshit, that is I didn’t answer. He knows why. To his credit, he also did some nice things for me. But I am glad I didn’t get involved! He was a better casual friend if I didn’t care for him too personally. And just a work friend at that. Gone haven’t seen for years and that’s fine. I’d be happy to run into him somewhere at some point and it’s all good with me now. But getting too close would have been too hard on my mind, which I feel I need to protect from the jackals.

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      Stephanie

      12/05/2009 at 5:46 am

      Thanks for the input Lolana! After a couple of more days reviewing the “evidence” (or lack thereof), I’ve decided that he’s just a jerk. It’s unfortunate, but true. It’s just amusing how jerks can surface in “sheep’s clothing” so-to-speak–hot and nice for awhile, then cold and distant, a short while later. At first, I was somewhat hurt and angry by this behavior, but once I read this column, spoke to some friends, and read some articles by professionals in the psychology field, I realized that the “silent treatment” in this case is more about this guy’s poor interpersonal relationship skills than it is about me or anything I did.

      That said, I still think it’s totally bizarre behavior–very odd and uncalled for. Rather than feeling hurt now, I just feel sorry for him. I suspect he’s done this several times before and that’s why he’s alone. And I’m moving on quite quickly!

      Reply
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        Sue P

        12/09/2009 at 5:39 pm

        Oh my goodness, Stephanie, we have a near identical situation, except I was further down the dating line in terms of time to you. I saw a guy 4 yrs on and off, there was a 1 yr gap where he had genuine personal reasons to deal with due to an ex-wife. (I should have seen the signs re the ex-wife, but I believed him, and he was very charming at the start!!!)

        Anyhow I forgave him and took him back. We were dating but this silent treatment was exactly the same as you describe. I only wish I had come across this site 10 months ago, as I have spend months confused, sad, hurt about how to explain such behaviour; but I am finally here, and thank you all posters it’s been really helpful reading. Like you I like answers, closure, even to be told if its best we dont be in touch again ever.

        However now I realise all these types of behaviours are emotiionally/psychologically abusive (I believe some men do it through selfishness of their own personality and not intentional abuse). They are about control. There are probably other little signs in your relations too, e.g. manipulative actions.

        In the end I realise I wont get closure from him, they are not into considering your feelings to discuss things, they are too selfish for that. Emotional intelligence is lacking too. As others have said you cant control others, only your own self and your own behaviour, your own reactions to situations.

        I couldnt even try to discuss things with him about us, or to help him. It was always when he wanted to, when he was ready. He just decides and thats it. Like I have no say, again that is control.

        Because I do love, communicate and care, I now feel hurt the way I do. But now I realise I must for my own mental well being realise this is all about him, immature behaviour in relations and I have to give myself closure. It wont come from him.

        I really loved him, which is why I allowed it to continue, even when I was not feeling happy many times, at the time I didnt see or understand the actions for what they truly were. He broke up with me on my birthday at the end of the day, I was stunned he did it on that day. I just couldnt understand that, but now do, as it’s all due to self focus by them.

        Like you I was very hurt, didnt understand it, but now I feel really sorry for him, as I think it’s really sad. It will likely happen for them with the next person, it’s not you at all, and it’s hard to fix even if they acknowledge it or try to get help with it. I also do think it stems from childhood, so it’s very ingrained behaviour over many years now. He had a broken home situation, dont know the full details because he didnt talk too much about them!!

        So I guess all in all I had a lucky escape.

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    missy

    12/09/2009 at 1:21 am

    Im at a point in my life now where i had a friend we hung out spend time have fun.And then one day he woke up and decide i dont exist and im a afterthrough.Its very painful and it sbeen bout 4 months now.My heart dont hurt anymore but i cant get out my head that he could be so cold.Bad thing im made him priority in my life,Now im bust no one to do anything with cost my world was all around his.But i know as time go on this too shall past.Its the principle make me feel i was never anything to him in first place,Men need to grow F*** up

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      Sue

      01/20/2010 at 11:31 am

      Hey Missy

      I know exactly how you feel. Funny he told me I need to grow up and I was the one trying to talk it out. Treating another like they dont exist, without letting them know it’s the no contact thing if its a break up situation, is just really poor and selfish on their part. They are the immature ones. I guess the important thing to remember is in good relations people know how to communicate, even if you are communicating a break up. There are still good ways to do that, and very bad ways too, i.e. the “disappearing man”. Better to know it now that in a few years time, as that is the same person still. It’s the treating you like you dont exist that is the killer to my emotions at the moment. And like you especially having investing, time, love, and trust to them; it’s like you get disrespect in return. Heartless and cruel way to treat another human who actually loves/loved them.

      #Sigh# How to get through it? Argh!

      Reply
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  elleke jenkins

  12/05/2009 at 10:11 pm

  One thing that helped me get over the pain of being ignored by family members was just realizing that there was no getting what I wanted which was to be acknowledged. Leaving the door open to conversation, being available for interaction or even just pretending that everything was okay was not going to alter the other’s behavior. As long as they believe they are controlling me, they are getting what they want. This kind of behavior is just practiced in order to control someone. I don’t think there is a cover-all answer to what one’s response should be. If one has done everything possible to sort out the situation (not groveling or asking for forgiveness, Hold them responsible for their own behavior) and nothing changes, leave you job (I know that isnt’ fair to you but if you are not there to bear the brunt of the behavior then you won’t be hurt anymore), get a divorce (even if the “love” is still there), ignore it (mother-in-law, etc) and just keep your own behavior and priorities above their standards. They will never get the point until they are hurt in a similar way and then they may still not understand. Their emotional investment in a relationship is not based on honesty, but control of the other person. They of course believe they are right to treat people this way. What they get out of their behavior may satisfy them but you owe yourself more respect than to enable them. Whatever manner it takes the answer is to “distance” yourself from the insanity. There is not getting through to them no matter how much you love them. You give them persmission to disrespect you if you grovel and beg.

  Distance does not have to mean behaving the way they do; it can mean whatever it takes to “not buy into the behavior or play their game.” And IT IS SO HARD! But well worth the effort.

  The distance needs to be committed to just as the relationship was committed to. If you have to speak to them make it polite but distant. Dont’ give them an opportunity if you can avoid it to put you in their game.

  Do not engage in any substantive interchanges with the silent person, don’t share, don’t join them even if they are with your friends. Turn down (politely) invitations where this person will be present and make yourself emotionally unavailabe for any type of engagement with that person.

  Yes, it hurts like hell to do all this, but your silent person does not need to know how hurt you are. Nurture your own soul. Lick your own wounds. Find an emotional outlet until you make peace with the separation from this person (and that peace does come!)

  You cannot change them. You can be honest with them, but leave them without an opportunity to reply and start the silent treatment if you really believe your honesty is necessary for them. Don’t be vulnerable. They will love it if you are.

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  Mimi

  12/06/2009 at 11:33 pm

  Hello, I am happy I came across these posts and that others go through these things. Been very helpful. Lolana my heart goes out to you, you sound like such an amazing person who has gone above and beyond in all ways for your family. You can’t change others you can only change your self and your reactions to others behaviors.

  I am married and basically happy except for these occasional silent treatments. My husband we can be having a nice conversation and I’ll say something that is nothing that apparently offends him and he won’t talk to me usually over night but this time it has been 4 days w/ no communication at all over absolutely nothing. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells some times and watch every word I say. He has his good points and is a decent man other than this issue and the fact that he seems to have anger issues. He did this a lot when we first met over 10 years ago but than not for a long time. More recently this issue has resurfaced. I have a lot of other things going on in my life which are keeping me very busy and I feel he is maybe jealous of my relationship with other family members and him not being the center of my world? Or does he not like me any more and that is why he has such a short fuse with me? I don’t know but i am getting tired of what feels like emotional abuse. We have a nice life together don’t have the issues that many couples do with children, money, health–our relationship should be a breeze and often times it is. Usually when these things happen, a day later he’ll call me up and make a joke or turn it around saying I really hold a grudge. Once he is “over it” In the past I have communicated how damaging I feel this is to our relationship, yet he continues to behave in this manner. He is much older than I and his parents were passed when I met him but from what I heard it seemed this is an issue in his family how the members relate to each other. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. I am angry this is the holidays and I have so much happiness in other areas but this feels very hurtful. Thank you. Mimi

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    Annie

    01/14/2010 at 2:57 pm

    Hi,

    Finally a website that I can relate too, I’ve been married now 16 years and continuously going through the silent treatment with my husband. At first it started 1 wk, 2 wks, 1mth, the longest was 5/6mths. By now I refuse to give in, in the past it was always me to start up the conversation or say I’m sorry, now Ive just given up and see how long it will last. I now have health issues and I’m sure they are all related to this silent treatment, depression, seasonal depression, body pain, over weight, should I go on??? If I don’t do or say what he feels appropriate it will trigger the silent treatment, for example smoking, swearing, if I slip wih one occossional bad word towards him, like the other day I said “your such an ass”, how many couples can say that and get away with it, well, not me, excuse me for being human and not being able to hold my tung once in awhile, so since that episode which was in the beginning of December he is not speaking to me. Not only is he not speaking to me but he acts likes he has his a single guy, he will leave the house without telling me where he is going or tell me just before he leaves the house that he has plans with friends for supper, basketball, etc… I would never do this as I know this is disrespectful. I’m the type of person who loves to laugh, joke, and just have fun, but with this type of guy that he is I feel he is bringing me down and I don’t know how to get out of it. I have 3 kids and that’s what keeps me going, but also that’s what keeps me tied to my husband, if there were no kids involved I would of left him a long time agao…

    BTW… I don’t believe you can change someone like this, I know where this comes from and I see it from his Dad, his Dad is exactly the same way. I always tell my husband that I’m like your mom and I will not tolerate it, but listen to me, I’m still hear taking the abuse….

    If there’s any advise out there please feel free to give..

    Reply
    • 

      Venus

      01/15/2010 at 2:08 pm

      Annie, sorry to hear you are going through this. That must be maddening for up to 5 and 6 months. What do your children say? It’s not surprising to me that you are suffering health problems at all. It can definitely take a toll on you both mentally and physically. I’m recently separated from my husband namely for the silent treatment reason (the longest was 1 1/2 – 2 months before I left) and I can tell you that I suffered so many migraines daily and lack of sleep and a “numb” feeling. My advice is to tell him you’re not going to put up with it and if he can’t handle that then maybe it’s best you guys look at some other options. Have you done marital counselling with him before? Suggest that to him. 16 years is a long time to deal with that. My husband now wants to go to marriage counselling, now that I’ve left him 3.5 months ago but I’m unsure he will ever change. He says he’ll stop ignoring me but I’m very wary. I hope you can heal yourself. It’s absolutely damaging living in the same house as someone, your spouse, ignore you day in and day out. I can relate 100% so I feel your pain.

      Reply
• 

  Silent in Seattle

  12/11/2009 at 11:35 pm

  I have a co-worker whom I find toxic in the extreme. I have issues which her personality traits trigger. I have PTSD and am coming out of an abusive relationship. I’m also going through therapy to address childhood abuse (emotional/mental/physical) from my father. This co-worker is verbally abusive, disrespectful and passive aggressive. I ended our friendship when I finally took a stand to stop including abusive people and start including genuinely supportive people in my life. I find I am unable to interact with this person in any way that is healthy or that positively supports the transitional phase I’m currently moving through.

  My solution? I told her I decided our friendship was not in my best interest and stopped interacting with her on a personal level. Work related items are excluded – we interact only when necessary.

  I would love to be able to have a conversation with her about why I made my decision, why I find her behavior unacceptable and how we can both work to mend fences and be friends again. However, she has shown me time and time again that my feelings don’t matter to her. I know that anything I say will be brushed off or twisted around to suit her agenda. Why beat my head against a brick wall?

  She knows something of my history, as I said, I told her why I didn’t want to be friends anymore. Has she made any attempt to talk to me about it? Nope. In fact, she continues to cross my boundaries by spreading rumors and gossip about me at work.

  She never has been one to openly discuss issues in our friendship, last winter, after my mother died and I was in the midst of the abusive relationship I mentioned earlier, she gave me the cold shoulder. I took the bait and asked why, she said I was being self centered and abusive towards her. Did she take into consideration that I was dealing with the grief over the death of a parent? Did she ever try to understand what I was going through at home with the jerk I was with? No, she didn’t. She never even had the respect for our friendship enough to say “hey, I’m feeling like you’re not listening to me and that hurts my feelings”, she simply brushed me off then when I asked layed a ton of crap on me.

  For me, the only solution is my silent protest against her bullying behavior, her passive aggression, her abusive and disrespectful treatment.

  At least I find with every passing day that I care less and less. I realize that in fact I did not lose anything but gained more respect for myself by standing up to someone who treated me like crap.

  Reply
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    Sue

    12/12/2009 at 1:08 pm

    Hi, That person is totally self centred they can only think of themselves. Therefore they will not consider you at all. I mean at all, i.e. not one teeny little bit. It is abusive behaviour, their problem.

    Because you are considerate person you think normally. Dont expect them to, that is your mis-assumption. Focus on yourself, heal, etc, and yes silence is the best control for you here with such a person.

    All the best.

    Reply
  • 

    Lolana

    12/15/2009 at 3:10 am

    This is terrible:

    “She never has been one to openly discuss issues in our friendship, last winter, after my mother died and I was in the midst of the abusive relationship I mentioned earlier, she gave me the cold shoulder. I took the bait and asked why, she said I was being self centered and abusive towards her.”

    That’s what so many of these types of people do, they blame you using words that describe their own actions.

    Sue is right. There are cetain cretins who absolutely do not consider the feelings of other human beings, not at all, not one bit. I don’t know what these people tell themselves to justify their behavior, but whatever it is, they seem unbothered by the harm they do others.

    You’re not giving a silent treatment in the negative way described by the other posters here. Seems like it’s a self-protective boundary you’ve drawn, and your former supposed friend doesn’t seem to like it much. But it doesn’t sound like you have a choice about it. As far as your co-workers, they’ll believe what they want to believe. Make sure you have a communicative relationship with your supervisor, though, or someone else in the company who knows the bs isn’t true. This person sounds capable of politicking you out of a job if you don’t protect yourself with some alliances.

    Reply
  • 

    Silent in Seattle

    12/15/2009 at 3:35 am

    Thank you both, so much. I appreciate the support. It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of “maybe it’s me” with abusive people.

    I definitely hear you, Lolana, about politicking against me. Thankfully, her reputation for being tough to get along with is well known. I had a conversation with the owners last week and they said they were totally happy with me and my performance. So I feel pretty safe in that respect.

    I figure the folks who are worth their salt will see how much she is bashing me while seeing how I’m not saying a peep about her and do the math. The folks who side with her without ever getting my side? So be it, not the kind of folks I want to be friends with anyhow.

    It’s hard because I’m so unsure of myself right now and I don’t have a strong support network to validate my feelings and decisions.

    If nothing else I will come out of this stronger than ever. I do believe that but man, am I tired of that mantra! I’m ready for new beginnings, for a new script!

    Good luck to you both and again, thanks so much for the support!

    Reply
  • 

    Carlos

    02/03/2010 at 3:55 pm

    At this moment I’m trying to decide what to do with a co-worker too, I only answer when he ask me a question, I noticed that by now he knows something’s up, he’s also just very disrespectul, and one of those “know it all” so I can never have a real conversation with him, I’m just really bad at confronting somebody so I was thinking to just e-mail him, I really don’t know what to do, I read your story and I totally understand your situation, so any reply will be great, thank you very much.

    Reply
• 

  Lolana

  12/15/2009 at 6:31 am

  Maybe you all can give me some feedback here. My family (blood relations, birth family) don’t talk to me. That includes my sister who is three years younger than I, who has four kids now.

  I adore and miss my nephew, the oldest of the kids, and think often of my neice, who is younger and who I don’t know as well, but with whom I exchanged cards, letters and gifts for some years, as well as visiting. The two younger kids I know not at all.

  Last year when it was apparent to me that I would not be able to see the kids, having fallen out with the Fam, I wrote to my nephew and neice. I sent them little things like a box of feathers from my birds (beautiful birds their feathers are very pretty and colorful) and pieces of artwork, random thoughts and cool stuff. All kid-oriented, nothing weird (unless sending feathers is weird, but these are kids, remember, and I thought that would be cool since they liked my birds).

  I sent off a couple of packages to my nephew and neice and in the one to my neice, I responded to a letter she had sent in which she said she missed me and wished she could visit me.

  Inside my package, I tucked a separate package for my sister with whom I do not speak. In a note, I told her I didn’t think it was fair to ignore my neice’s question about coming to see me. I told her I had written a note to my neice addressing this topic, and she could either read it and interpret in her own words, or she could give it to my neice, either way. This letter and the letter to my neice were enclosed in a package clearly marked with my sister’s (her mom’s) name.

  In the letter, I told my neice that I might not see her for a while, because I have had a disagreement with her Mom and the rest of the family. I told her she was welcome to visit me anytime with permission from her Mom and Dad. And I told her not to worry, that everything was fine with me, and not to think that I am not coming because I don’t like her or anything. And that was pretty much it. I wanted to say *something* because I think it’s really unfair to keep kids in the dark, and especially unfair to act as if you have not heard a child when she says she misses you and wants to see you. I put the package to my sister in with the larger package and sent it off.

  And that was the last I heard of any of them.

  The family that I came from is not big on including kids in important discussions. They are great at pretending important issues don’t exist, such as my sister and I being born to a different mother, and this being kept a secret (and a shameful one) for years from my younger half siblings. So I’m sure they found a way to turn my note into something bad.

  Here it is Christmas and I do think of them. I confess I do not think much of the two littler ones, since I do not know them. I wonder sometimes if I should send something through the mail for the holidays. Would they give the kids what I sent, if I sent something? Do they allow discussion of me? Do they sweep it under the rug? My poor nephew was the only kid on the block willing to say the emporer had no clothes on, and I wonder if he is even aware of why I cannot come see them. We always had a really good time. If they say bad things about me, does he believe them? Knowing my stepmom, she won’t say anything that sounds bad on its face, but she’s the queen of the subtle, underhanded insult.

  Anyway, the overall effect of the family’s silent treatment towards me has made me not want anything to do with those adults at all. Every time I make some gesture toward any of them, their silence and ignoring sends me into a depression the likes of which I cannot describe. It is not so bad because I have my finace, my friends, my job and my life, 3000 miles away—-(there’s a reason I moved so far away, too). But these specific people have the power and know exactly what to do to sentence me to the stockade, in their minds. As far as they are concerned, I guess I may as well be dead.
  (Sorry to be so cheery ;D)

  On the holidays, and on their birthdays, I think of my nephew and neice. I wonder what I could do. I think about sending gifts of music. I think about sending advent calendars which I used to do. I think about sending money. I think about sending checks, which are always handy because you can at least tell if they were cashed (and what kid doesn’t love money on the holiday?!! it was always my personal favorite!!) Then I think to myself, how pathetic it is, to think of sending a check, then waiting waiting to see if it gets canceled. That would be the only response I would get back, I am sure.

  I have put my name loud and clear all over the internet, because my nephew is definitely of an age to Google, and I want to be there if he ever wants to find me. But I also believe these people are fiendishly clever in making kids think or feel a certain way about people. My dad and stepmom were very powerful in shaping our thoughts toward people we had once loved, who they no longer wanted to associate much with (his family, my Mom’s family). It didn’t take much. We believed them about what yucky people some of those people were. And we missed knowing our own family because of it. My stepmom was able to convince my Dad, I think, to not associate overmuch with his very own family, except to judge them. And we kids went along with it.

  If I cannot handle anything, I cannot handle my nephew and neice believing whatever lies are told about me. I’m an aunt anyone would be thrilled to have, and I had great times with my nephew (was closest to him). What must they think?

  But I fear it is too toxic an act for me to even try to send greetings or gifts this time of year. Not for the kids—I wish I had the strength of spirit to do it, without needing anything in return.

  But the commitment I made to myself some years ago was to only give when I knew there would be something coming back. I think, “I should send them little messages from beyond, so they know someone is thinking about them…and maybe…maybe one day..maybe one day they will learn I actually am a cool aunt and not a weird one. (hey, my friends think I’m cool and that’s enough for me.)

  I wish I were able to do this, without the following heartbreak of hearing nothing back, nothing week after week month after month year after year. With regard to the family, I absolutely cannot give anymore. Nothing comes back.

  And yet I remember how lonely I was growing up with their crazy sensibilities, feeling so lonely because the things I thought mattered were not the same things they thought mattered. Thinking I was crazy, thinking none of my relatives even gave a #@^%& what happened to me and my sister, our home was abusive and terrible and we lived in terror. And no one noticed or reached out, the adults kept wondering people far at bay. And I think to myself, what if I’m being selfish for not reaching out to them?

  And then I think, if they don’t reach out to me, I simply cannot. Can Not. Cannot go there, because it hurts too much. The last thing that happened was the shootout at Ft. Hood, in Texas, where my brother was based. Remember the shootout? So of course I called his cell phone and left a message, then hours later hearing nothing, left another message saying please just let me know you’re OK, we don’t have to have a conversation, but please call me.

  He never did call. I emailed my Dad (didn’t know what else to do) and he let me know he was fine.

  I also tried to explain to my brother why I can no longer get any oxygen with the family, in the letters and packages I sent when he was deployed overseas. No comment or anything—he actually did not even thank me. I didn’t send the packages to “get” something back—but some acknowledgement might have been nice.

  So as of the day of the shooting, I am done with my brother as well—-I cannot deal with any of them for my own mental health.

  But as to the kids, I am tempted. I am tempted because I remember how it is to be a kid, when adults don’t talk sense or treat you fairly. I’m tempted because for all I know my nephew asks about me all the time. (but doesn’t Google search, apparently)

  Is this selfish? To just draw the line and say no more not even for those two kids? Will they grow up thinking I don’t care about them?

  But I just feel I can’t. The letdown is too predictable. For so many years now my gestures at communication have been rebuffed and ignored and each time it hurts more. I want no more hurt in my life.

  I would love some thoughts ya’ll.

  Reply
• 

  Sue

  12/15/2009 at 10:12 am

  Hi Lolana,

  This is a long answer but hope it helps:

  I now believe these behaviours are due to two things at least, (i) the way they have grown up and not learnt to deal with communicating effectively to resolve and work through issues, and (ii) just a selfish personality (i. genetics!)

  The reason you are getting hurt is because you care, and you are un-selfish. What you really need to do now is look after you, firstly. You have fun, you take care of yourself, you life your life and be happy, you control that, you control you and how you react to these people. They have no power over you now as you are miles away, unless you allow them to, so make a decision not to.

  I too 1.5 weeks ago sent my ex’s young kids some presents that I had already got for them, that I was hoping to give them when I first met them, as I had so much love for them. I never did meet them and it is heartbreaking for me. I decided I still wanted the kids to have the presents. It was just little things, I’d not send anything of huge value. I know the parcel was received as it was signed for delivery, but not even a word of thanks, that hurts, that is so rude, again that silence hurts.

  Again I ask myself how people can do that, is it the silent treatment still? Not even the politeness of a thank you? What type of people do that, it’s so mean, and at Christmastime, feels so heartless, maybe because it is?

  It’s a hard thing to know in your situation I suggest not sending the kids anything, as the parents may not pass it on, or even pass it off as their own. You will have to totally back off, it’s sad, but only when the kids are old enough can they try to get in touch of you. I’m sure they will. In the meantime you live a happy life focus on yourself.

  Dont send anything, because you wont receive any thanks for it, not a word, and it will hurt believe me. I find it hard to understand that behaviour, but that is because we are considerate. If you are of a selfish nature, put yourself in their shoes for a moment (the parents), what would you do? You do nothing because you are selfish and that is what is easiest and best for you (i.e. them). They have no care for your feelings clearly, only theirs.

  You take back control, and heal yourself, do stuff in your control only, and make yourself happy, do things for you, stuff you like doing, only whats in your control. You will not disappoint yourself, but when you give control to others, they can disappoint you, so dont do it. Dont expect anything from those other people.

  Here’s a suggestion, maybe that money you have for presents for those kids, put it aside in a savings account in your name but with them in mind for each of them. Open a new one with just that money in it, and watch it build up over time, something lovely and postive. Then add to it any time you feel the need for the value of another present. Or each time you think or miss those kids, go put another $1-5 in the account, and watch it build into something strong and good, you are in control of it. Then in the future, when they do get in touch and you can control the situation, draw it out and tell them it’s for them and what you have done. They will love you for it and see the situation for what it is. Also it may then come at a time as a young adult when they could really do with that money or put it towards a present they can tell you what they need/want. That way you also have control. I strongly suggest you dont send presents now, give the presents or money only when you are physically able to give it yourself and you know 100% it gets to the right person.

  Can I suggest also, you sound like you are hurting hugely from your past and these people, it is a toxic relationship. It may be useful for you to see a counsellor for one set of sessions, to get it all out of your system, and also write it all out like a book. Purely to stop it going around in your head in circles. You need to heal this from your past. Make a decision to do so, then almost like putting it all in a box in the back of your mind, deal with it, resolve, and move forward, dont let it spoil your future.

  I wrote out my stuff and it really helps, its no longer controlling my head, and when I feel myself thinking about it, I look at the lists of their negative behaviours and gives me a reality check, so I dont remember just the good but the bad things too.

  Surround yourself with successful, positive, happy people, they are who will add to your life. These people are clearly not.

  What I have come to realise the hard way, is no matter how much you try to reason with a person they will do as they please. I have to say selfish people I realise now are the worst, it’s the worst quality. All it does is drain you like a leech, sucks at your blood/your lifeforce, does nothing for you, only takes, and just needs to be disconnected from your body.

  Where does selfishness comes from? I think all these things come from a persons childhood, and their own issues. Maybe their parents didnt set a good example and that’s all they know. But once that behaviour has set in to say an adult of 40 yrs, its very hard to change, you cant change them, they have to change themselves.

  I personally am toying with idea of asking my ex if he did want to be friends as he had said or whether it was a lie from him, and I will receive the silent treatment forever? That way I force the situation and have my answer if I get ignored again too.

  Make a resolution to be free of this trauma from 2010 say. Get happy positive loving you first, and those who are immediately around you adding to your life positively value those people. But be self-reliant, treat yourself, do stuff that makes you happy and you enjoy.

  All the best.

  Reply
  • 

    Lolana

    12/30/2009 at 7:25 am

    Hey, thanks very much. Your advice is all great and it’s what I’ve been doing anyway for a number of years now. I feel better having detached myself from the toxic rituals that involve people who see me as someone not worth acknowledging or taking seriously. There are enough people who do take me seriously, and that’s the world I live in. The last thing I need is for my words and acts to be interpreted in false ways to kids who do not know better.

    That said, I do think of them and miss them and can’t help wondering at Christmas time. It’s a shame that there was no acknowledgement for the kind gesture toward your ex’s kids.

    “Be happy” is the best advice, I’m convinced of it. Life is too short to spend being frustrated. So the bottom line is just getting away from people who make you frustrated or who do not hear you. It takes some learning though, because there’s always a voice in my head giving me the wrong advice. “Just this once!” I think of it like an emotional credit card. There are relationships I simply can’t afford, emotionally, because they will leave me high and dry. Being around the people who like me is the best kind of healing I have found. thanks again.

    Reply
    • 

      Venus

      12/30/2009 at 2:23 pm

      I love your idea about the “emotional credit card.” It truly is the greatest thing being around people who actually enjoy you and show that they do, instead of turning their backs on you and ignoring you! I just wanted to update from my earlier post regarding my husband. It’s been 3 months now since I moved out and only the other day did he tell me that he realizes he said and did a lot of nasty things (didn’t apologize but acknowledged). When I brought up him ignoring me said that he would never do that if I didn’t make him. What the heck? That he always had reason for ignoring me. I’m sorry but to ignore someone every two months for a week or two or more and lastly, a month and a half, is NOT okay or normal. He invited me to go away with him a weekend but I am dropping the cord, so to speak. I’m not sure where this leaves us. I don’t think he yet sees how much this affected me. I think I will be in therapy for a very long time because of it and unable to trust anyone again. He broke my spirit, not my heart (or maybe my heart a little) by doing this and it’s like he will never understand how ridiculously harmful this was to me. I’m not even sure if I want to reconcile and am not sure about anything anymore. Do I move on with my ilfe or do I try to work it out? That has been the question for the last 10 months now in my life. He needs counselling but refuses to go. He still won’t go to marriage counselling because he says it’s for people who can’t handle their own problems. Advice?

      To those of you who’s family members do this to you, my heart truly aches for you and I keep you in my thoughts. That has got to be so incredibly grueling. Just think above it and don’t let it get in your head.

      Reply
      • 

        Lolana

        12/31/2009 at 5:31 am

        “When I brought up him ignoring me said that he would never do that if I didn’t make him. What the heck? That he always had reason for ignoring me.”

        OK, he doesn’t get it. Good grief!

        If I do hear from my family members at some point, I expect it would be the same. They could throw me a little bone of seeming-to-understand, and if I jump at it, they will reel me in again—which I can’t do. When someone’s taken a ginsu knife and sliced and diced my insides, a band-aid is not the answer. They would need to really understand. Apology would need to be not words, but deeds.

        I love the notion that people who go to therapists are the ones who can’t fix their own problems. Here’s another metaphor (I actually convinced an ex to go to therapy with this one) I wouldn’t try to fix my own car….I don’t know from cars. I’d take it to someone educated about cars. Same thing with the mind. People spend years studying, going to school, observing human nature…some therapists are good.

        It’s true though, that if you get a bad therapist, he/she can make things worse with bad advice, or their own dysfunction working itself out on you. But overall, therapy’s been crucial for me—I have a wise woman who knows me, knows I’m not crazy, believes me, and while she doesn’t give advice per se, her feedback is a real centering force in my life.

        But it’s hard to decide something like you’re going through, it’s like, OK, he sees how awful he’s been, but does he really? My boyfriends were like this for years and it took a really bad one for me to put an end to it. I have a great partner now and we’ve been together for going on 8 years and he would never, ever do the things my other boyfriends did, or that my family does. We have trust, and it’s a whole different kind of relationship.

        I don’t know if your guy could actually be there for you in the way you need him to be, but he doesn’t seem very convincing so far. It’s really important to me that people be able to respect my point of view without saying I’m crazy or that I deserve crappy treatment. People who believe those things do not belong in my universe anymore. And I’m much happier. good luck…

        Reply
        • 

          Venus

          12/31/2009 at 2:25 pm

          You said: “When someone’s taken a ginsu knife and sliced and diced my insides, a band-aid is not the answer.”

          If that isn’ thte perfect description, I don’t know what is!!! Sorry to hear about your family but you know what, anything negative needs to be pushed out of your life. It seems you have found peace and solace in your life without them trying to sabotage you.
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  Angel

  12/17/2009 at 12:36 am

  my daughter in law uses this to get her way. I think she has jealousy issues. My son and I had a rocky relationship due to his Dad’s death. now they are both calling me racist. which I am not. it is very painful and no end in site. She has control over my relationship with my son now, which is pretty much gone. very selfish

  Reply

• Silent Treatment…what the shush? « These words of mine…

  12/21/2009 at 2:59 am

  [...] is Ostracism! I found a brilliant write up to support this. http://www.kensavage.com/archives/silent-treatment/ It is true indeed that when you receive the silent treatment, it feels equivalent to physical [...]

  Reply
• 

  Ann

  12/21/2009 at 7:27 am

  I have been receiving a silent treatment for the last two weeks, I have been in a relationship with this man for the last four years, it has been great, until now. Out of the blue back in October he said he was “sick of my jealousy rages”…I am not jealous to begin with, never asked him about other people he has been with in the past, on the contrary, he told me about his ex wife’s jealousy fits, his ex girlfriend, the one that chased him around because she wanted to marry him, even if he had said no several times. He has a daughter I love, she is the sweetest kid, I love playing with her, teach her things, and do fun things with her, since his relationship with the mother is not a good one, and we know she puts the kid against him when she has the chance, I buy her things she can play with him, bonding things, like planting seeds, painting together, I buy the things and give it to him, not the child, I think I have been good to both of them, I love them both. Now it turns out I am his worse nightmare, according to him I am jealous, and chase him around, a while later he said I want to take his kid away from him, a minute later, he says I am trying to separate them, and the latest, he says I do not respect him and he has been giving me the silent treatment for the last two weeks…He has done it before and I have told him I don’t like it, I think it is immature and manipulative, I told him I was not putting up with another silent treatment…still he did it. I am not making the same mistake I made last time he gave me the silent treatment, I am not calling him, if he doesn’t want to talk to me and blame me for whatever is wrong in his life, let it be. I feel awful, I am confused, sad, angry, and worthless…I KNOW I didn’t do what he says I did, but I can’t help feeling awful and very sad.
  I also know he has a job because I helped him out to get it, I know I always did the best I could with his daughter, always supported him though all his depressions and indecisive periods, periods in which he doesn’t know if he wants to work or do something else, say yes or no to a work proposition, or when he kept saying he didn’t want a room for his daughter in his house, “because she won’t be here long enough to enjoy it”. I told him his daughter deserves a place in his house and his life, I decorated the room for her in little mermaid theme, made her a dollhouse from scratch, and bought her sheets and a little mermaid comforter for her bed, her room is a little girl’s dream, but in his eyes, I am trying to separate him from his daughter!! How did I do that? All along I thought I was helping him develop a relationship with her!! Many times I would go home and let them be together, but all he does with her is watch tv, boy’s movies, he hates going out, he doens’t like driving, he thinks the amusement park is boring, the times she has asked me to take her places, I can’t because he won’t let me take her with me, and he doesn’t want to go, if I insist, he gets mad at me, and tells the child he can’t go “because I am sick and I am not feeling well”…I know he is not sick!! He wants to go home and watch tv!
  There must be something very wrong in his head, all the times he has given me the silent treatment is because of his daughter, or at least that is the excuse he uses, “you are trying to take my daughter away from me, you want me to look bad infront of her”, I swear to God I don’t, but I can’t help it if the child has a mind of her own! She says things like “daddy is lazy” ” daddy is always sick”, “daddy sleeps too much”, I can’t help it if the child can see what he does, I cannot keep the child’s mother from telling her things against him! This is his own doing, it is not my fault, yet he blames me for everything!!!

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  Rhonda

  12/30/2009 at 5:44 am

  My sister and mother have given my other sister the silent treatment for 15 years.
  The same sister who is inflicting the silent treatment is also giving me the silent treatment for almost 5 months and gives it to my third sister about 20 years.
  Currently, my mother is giving me the silent tratment but she is turning it around and saying I am giving it. I do not understand why my father ignores this. My mother wrote my child a nasty e-mail blaming me for everything. What did my child do to deserve this? I am at wits end because I called my mother on the e-mail she now is not talking to my daughter………..Do I just leave and say no more? One more note my mother and sister are always together (the two who give the silent tratment) .

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  Lolana

  12/30/2009 at 7:14 am

  “Currently, my mother is giving me the silent tratment but she is turning it around and saying I am giving it.”

  Yeah….I’m sure that’s what my family says too. I know exactly how you feel. They always found a way to make it my fault. Sounds like it is similar for you. You know I’m actually an awful lot happier now that I don’t have people blaming me and making things my fault which aren’t.

  Hope all of you are having a good holiday season.

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  Debbie

  12/30/2009 at 2:42 pm

  Hey Venus,

  Read this: http://tearsandhealing.com/sociopath3.htm?utm_source=YSM&utm_campaign=T%26H&utm_term=sociopath&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=NotCrz-LrnDis-StopAb

  Do NOT go back. Really. About a week after my 23rd anniversary, I realized that it was not all my fault. I went to therapy. I read books. Although not a practicing Mormon anymore, the lessons I learned about turning the other cheek, being forgiving, and treating others as I wanted to be treated were permanently ingrained in me … and you know what? It just does not work with a sociopath. They’re not wired like other people.

  My therapist said that I was one of the hardest working people she’d ever met. I read everything I could get my hands on about co-dependent traits (anyone that sticks with a sociopath is a co-dependent … healthy people would NEVER tolerate such abuse) and every other dysfunctional behavior I could find. I journaled. I exercised like a mad woman to help me release the repressed emotions.

  Guess what? It’s been nearly three years since I came out of denial. I am amazed at how good I feel. I still have to deal with husband regularly because we have sons together but the little hairs no longer stand up on the back of my neck. I can’t see me having another relationship for some time as (1) I am not ready and (2) our divorce is not final. But, the good news is, I have changed so tremendously that I am confident that I will be repulsed by another sociopath. I no longer have fear … I no longer worry about things out of my control … basically, I am no longer a co-dependent.

  You can heal from this. In fact, you can reach a point where you look back and see all the valuable life lessons you learned from the experience. You may not be thankful for the pain and confusion, per se, but you won’t regret it. It will truly be part of the fabric of who you are, and when you like, love and respect yourself, does it matter how you got there?

  I have no regrets. It took me a long time to get here, but I am here now, so how long it took me is irrelevant.

  Best wishes to you … to all of us that have come here for information, comfort, validation … Happy New Year.

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    Venus

    12/30/2009 at 5:49 pm

    Debbie, thanks for writing back. I’m glad you found some peace in your life and you seem to be really happy by removing yourself from that situation. That is wonderful!
    I know that my M as-is isn’t healthy. I also know that I have contributed to our problems as well. I also know that I would never say the things he does to anyone and/or give someone the silent treatment habitually. So my thinking is, what is wrong with me? For staying all this time before I left? Granted, it didn’t happen overnight, but it makes me feel like there is osmething wrong with me. I’ve never experienced this treatment in any other relationship in my life before. It’s new to me. Again, how do you know you won’t end up in this place again? It’s a very scary thought.
    If my husband is saying he knows he said some awful things and acknowledges it, does that mean he’s changing? How do I know that I can trust him again?
    I myself am not perfect but I really go back and forth with this all day long in my head. It’s incredibly annoying.
    Thanks for the link. I will check that book out.

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      Lolana

      12/31/2009 at 5:49 am

      Venus, you may have reached the point of no return by now–that point beyond which you’ve just had a total bellyfull of the meanness that an abusive person can dish out. Those very people are fond of telling you that *you* are the abusive one, and that they are merely responding to your baloney.

      Ask yourself if the relationship seems to be about honesty, or about control. A poster above pointed out the difference between the two kinds of relationships. Patricia Evans in her books on verbal abuse, describes two types of power; power “over” others, and power “with” others.

      People who need to control situations are in a different universe, she says, because they are not seeing the relationship as a source of collaborative strength, but in terms of one-up one-down. They’re more concerned with keeping score than they are with actual communication.

      Acknoweledgement isn’t enough, not for me anyway. Not unless it’s reflected in both word and deed. Apology is something very different. And a real apology comes from a person who is willing to give you one half the power in the entire relationship. If he’s offering a partnership, you’ll feel it. If he’s only going to reel you back in to get himself back to a relational comfort zone, you’ll feel that too. Trust your gut.

      I’ve gone back and forth in my head over this so much. Doubts in one’s head are great ammunition for abusive types. They want to say what the reality is, and be able to define it exclusively. But in a relationship, your reality is just as important as his. And if there’s no room in your reality to be with someone who makes you feel as if you’re stupid, too awful to acknowledge, at fault, or deficient in any way and not deserving of respect 24/7—then you’ll just know it.

      Trusting your feelings is important, because abusers want you to believe your feelings are *wrong.* Which is not true. Feelings are value-neutral. And we rely on them, from an evolutionary standpoint, to show us the way to make our world safe and healthy and strong.

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        Venus

        12/31/2009 at 2:33 pm

        Everything you said is on the money. My gut says, No. It’s wrong. It feels wrong. And they say “if it’s not a definite yes then it’s a no.” I think I already know the answer. It’s just taking that step. It’s a control and contention thing with him. Because why else would you ignore someone like that? He actually told me (and I had to keep from laughing out loud) that he ignores me because he cares about me. What kind of twisted logic is that? And now he’s being so sweet to me, “normal” again. It’s like being stuck in a blender. You never know what drink is going to come out of it.

        Ladies, for any of you involved with these idiots, GET OUT at the first indication of something amiss. Seriously. It’s not worth your sanity and peace of mind.

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          Sue

          01/18/2010 at 12:58 pm

          Hi Venus, I had to reply to your comments:
          “What kind of twisted logic is that? And now he’s being so sweet to me, “normal” again. It’s like being stuck in a blender. You never know what drink is going to come out of it.”
          - that made me giggle. It’s so true, “twisted logic” is what its all about, plus the blender effect!
          - I honestly think sometimes they just dont mean harm, or realise it though, its the “twisted logic” that makes them do it sometimes, but it’s something in them their nature, and so is very hard to change. I dont think it can change, but only they can do it. This type of thing in a persons character I believe is extremely hard to cure.
          - remember to laugh, not cry, it will make you stronger.

          
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  Debbie

  12/31/2009 at 4:39 am

  Hi Venus,

  Of course, we all contributed to the problem. First of all, we’re all imperfect. Second of all, as I said before, a healthy person would never tolerate sociopathic behavior. It’s not a matter of just leaving this relationship and finding a nice person. You have to change. Sociopaths can only have relationships with doormats.

  I don’t know about you, but the odd thing with me is that I am not a doormat anywhere else. It was only in my marriage. That was part of my contribution. I had to maintain the facade to the outside world to stay somewhat comfortable in my denial. I realized, while journaling this morning, my sanest times were probably when I was in my deepest depressions! When I was la la happy, I was la la lying … to myself and everyone around me. Well, lying by omission. I did not lie so much as tell incomplete truths. Had I been 100 % honest, I would have been forced to see reality.

  That’s what their brain games do to us: screw up our minds. We’re like lab mice afraid to approach the food because the random shocks are going to fry us. No matter what patterns we do, to avoid the pain, the torture is arbitrary. We can’t even run out the wide-open door because, after awhile, we are so afraid to move. When we finally get to the food without being shocked, we think, “Oh, good. I’ll just keep doing this and everything will be okay.”

  Wrong.

  Get out. Stay alone. Heal yourself. You will never find peace, you must create it.

  How do I know I won’t end up in a situation like this again? I am a very, very different person now. I am no longer so empathetic that I don’t recognize my own feelings. I am no longer afraid. I used to be afraid to sleep alone if he was away on business; now I live alone and sleep like a baby. I remember seeing the movie “Sleeping With The Enemy” and feeling like I was going to vomit because I knew exactly what Julia Roberts character felt like. I am not saying that I have a force field and other sociopaths won’t try, but that I am intune to MY feelings now, and MY radar gives me unapologetic messages. I treat everyone with respect because I have integrity, but I do not respect everyone. Respect is not earned; it is traded. Sociopaths respect NO ONE, not even themselves. You cannot trade respect with them.

  Get out of this relationship. Stay alone. Heal yourself. Get to know yourself. You will be amazed at the old parts of you that resurface and the new parts of you that sprout as a result of this life experience.

  You have all the answers you’ll ever need inside, but you cannot be distracted by another relationship right now. Get out. Stay alone. Heal.

  Create your peace.

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    Venus

    12/31/2009 at 2:23 pm

    Thanks for writing back. I, like you, am not a doormat in any other relationship, the way I feel in this one. In fact, of the men I dated prior to my hub, nobody ever treated me like he has. Not a single one. So I think, wth happened in this situation? So I see that as a positive, never having been with someone who acts this way. Right now I still feel confused but that’s the name of the silent treatment game, isn’t it? I need a lot of time alone, I believe. Anyone who’s been treated this way does. Debbie, do you have children with him?

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  Debbie

  12/31/2009 at 2:56 pm

  Hi Venus,

  Yes. We have two sons. They’re young adults, in college, living away from home.

  That’s part of the insidiousness of the whole wretched relatonship with a sociopath. Because of the nature of his career, I merely worked two or three part-time jobs, at any given time, while rearing our children and running our house. No well-paying career for me. No pension. But I was very involved in the volunteer organizations one participates in when she has children. I held executive positions, chaired umpteen committees. NO ONE would ever guess what was going on behind closed doors. My closest friends knew when I was falling apart because I was on the receiving end of hostile silence for three, four, five months at a time. I was a basket case. My sons saw their mother just sob and sob and sob. We all tiptoed on eggshells around him. He would talk to our sons but they saw what he was doing to me. It was sick … very, very sick. Thank Gawd my sons’ girlfriends have told me that my boys talk too much … they share their feelings, they cuddle, they do things they don’t really want to do just because they want to spend time with them (the girlfriends). I did make a positive impact, inspite of my former doormat ways. My sons SHARE in their relationships.

  For me, part of the problem was I took basic Christian values and misinterpreted them. Forgive does not mean to allow someone to continue to abuse you. It means to process and release the emotions. Turn the other cheek does not mean to allow someone to abuse you. It means give and take. But when you’re doing all the giving and none of the taking, it’s an imbalanced relationship. Balance does not mean 50/50. It means taking turns. One day it’s 40/60 in his favor, but another day, it might be 70/30 in yours. It’s over the long haul that it works out to 50/50. All the stuff Lolana’s said about people that want to control others is right on the money. I am amazed by all the women I know that think telling their families what to do, beating them with guilt trips, is their loving wifely and motherly role. ugh! No it’s not.

  When people treat the ones they’re supposed to love the most with contempt, that’s a problem. It’s not just men. Women do it, too. They may have different ways, but the lack of empathy is there … the know-it-all mentality. There are bossy people and there are sociopaths. They are not the same thing.

  There is NOTHING you can do with a sociopath. If they ever believed they were doing something wrong, I believe they could change. That’s the key. They think everyone else is wrong. Neurotics (I used to be one) think that they’re guilty of everything. That’s the polar opposite attraction, right there. At least neurotics accept responsibility (even for things that are not their fault), so there is a way for them to find the healthy, middle range. Extremists at the other end, that believe they’re right and everyone else is wrong, have no motivation to change. The only hope is to walk away from them, heal yourself, and be available for a healthy relationship with another healthy (albeit imperfect) person.

  Best wishes to you. You can heal yourself and move on, but only if you understand that you cannot heal him with your love. Only he can heal himself and since he does not believe he has a problem, it’s highly unlikely that he ever will.

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    Sharon

    01/15/2010 at 5:00 pm

    I am currently dealing with another round of the silent treatment. I have been married 11 years. It has been on and off for four years for a weekend or a week. Then, last year while he was in Afghanistan, he did not talk to me or our kids for 7 months. We have two children together, 8 and 5, and i don’t understand how anyone could ignore their own kids? So, he came back, and i forgave him, blaming it on war stress, and we pretended to be happy. I really believed that people could change to treat others how u want to be treated, but nope! That 7 month gap really left us completely disconnected. Now, he is back in Afghanistan, and he has not talked to us since November 17. I know this is sooo abnormal, and after reading these comments, I know this is wrong. I just thought he needed his “space” dealing with his deployments, but i realize that other healthy people care what their spouses and children think, feel, act, and do. I do not want to suffer this abusive relationship anymore. I just hope the lawyers will not leave us destitute. I have been the stay at home Mom since 2002. I did graduate in May 2008 with a BS in Biology, minor Chemistry, but I am nervous about becoming independent. It hurts so much when u realize your fairy tale will not exist. I know there will be new life again, a new love, it’s just making it through now sucks!!! Does anyone have any ideas how to be stronger through this?

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  silent at work

  01/03/2010 at 8:47 am

  I need some help. What do you people think? There is this coworker that i work with that gossips a lot, and i have to see that individual everyday. Well they managed to talk behind my back, but i caught that individual talking behind my back red handed on accident one time. This person claimed to be my friend and said that my friendship meant a lot to them.

  After that, all i can muster is a good morning to them. We work in the same cubicle. It tears me up everyday, but they have continuously shown that they are a heartless, selfish person, so I feel like I couldn’t even forgive them. Any ideas?

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  Hard to let go

  01/04/2010 at 1:27 am

  Reading this website is quite insightful. I have been given the silent treatment for the past two weeks. The evening it started I brought up a touchy subject with my friend about his difficulty to maintain an erection and ejaculates in less than 30 seconds. I have been seeing him for 9 months and thought it was time we discussed this. I was very gentle and sensitive not to make him uncomfortable becasue I am sure it is something he is not proud of. But instead of discussing it he decided that watching the football game was more important and flat out told me it was not something he wanted to discuss. I left on a sour note but the following day I sent him a text and I apoligized for bringing it up and let him know hw still pleases me. I got nothing in return. A few days went by and I sent him another text wishing him a nice Christmas….no reply. Now I was hurt…and feeling this pain you are all referring to. A pit in my stomach that I did someething wrong. A few MORE days went by and I again text him and wished him well on his holiday trip. No response. By evening I was pissed. I sent him ANOTHER text saying that most people would at the LEAST “Thank you” when someone wishes them well for the holdays as well as wishing them well on a vacation. I said “It is obvious you do not want to speak to me so the ball is in your court”….again I hear nothing. This eats at me daily. I keep checking my email, my text and NOTHING. SO…today is the 3rd and before this silent treatment started we had made a friendly bet on a football game that aired today. I waited until the game was over…and since I won the bet, and my wish if I won was to be able to take HIM to dinner as he will NEVER LET ME PAY!!!!! So, I sent him a text and said ” A bet is a bet and I keep my end of the bargain. Does Friday work for you?”…..three hours passed and I finally got “Sorry…I will have to check”….He’s ALIVE!!!! Personally I could care less about taking him to dinner…..it was needing to hear a word out of him that I was after. I have not responded and now after reading all this….I think it best that I do not. He did this to me once before for 10 days…..it was torchure for me…now again. My heart has ached for two weeks and now I understand that this is really a form of abuse. Another way to CONTROL someone…and it freaking worked on me!!!!!! I just wasnt aware that I was even falling into his game. Now I know. I am not feeling good about the fact that I have LET HIM affeft me but better to realize this late than never. Thanks for the insite to this “sickness” both on his part and on mine.

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  Beth

  01/04/2010 at 6:00 am

  Hi all!

  I’m trying to figure out if what my boyfriend puts me through is the silent treatment or if it is just a cooling off period like he says. When he gets mad at me he tells me he needs time alone and kicks me out of his house. From there I am not supposed to call, text, email, come by or in any way shape or form contact him. This will last for as long as I let it go. He says he can comfortably go for 24 hours without talking to me trying to “cool down” and it sometimes takes him up to three days not to be angry. He does not answer my calls and he mostly ignores my texts. he refuses to call or text me. I can ask him direct questions and he will not answer. when he does start talking to me again he acts as if he’s doing me a favor. Is this a form of the silent treatment?

  What about when he does respond to me only to tell me how I’m interrupting his day and to stop contacting him. Is this a form of control? Thank u all.

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    Venus

    01/07/2010 at 9:48 pm

    Time to let him go. Yes, it is a “control” thing. And it will only get worst. You can bet $ on it.

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    Lolana

    01/13/2010 at 3:06 am

    Yeah this is familiar and scary….it’s disrespectful you definitely deserve better than that. It’s creepy behavior.

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    Annie

    01/15/2010 at 8:15 pm

    For all the single ladies on this site complaining about their boyfriends “Silent Treatment” my advice to you is that I’ve been married now 16 years and find it hard to get out of this mind boggling game, if you are not living with this guy run and run as fast as you can, when you really can do it…. I’m sure there are many other guys out there for you and that can make you happy and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I too, saw the signs before marriage but totally ignored them, why, because I thought he was the one, my soulmate, fear of being alone and not finding someone else, so many stupid excuses. If I knew what I know today about my husbands silent treatments, manuplation, I would of never, never married this guy..

    Life is too short trust me, if you stay with a guy like this the years will just pass you by and one day you will wake up and it’s too late, married, kids, in-laws, all the more pressure to dump his sorry ass. lol… sorry got carried away…

    I wish you all the best of luck, just remember who you are now and don’t ever lose yourself!!! I know I did.

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      Sue

      01/21/2010 at 10:05 am

      Hi Annie, Thanks for your post, I think I was at the point with my ex just where I’m at the fallen for the guy deeply point but I could have married him. I think he has many of the controlling, manipulation signs, etc, but I find I am still loving him, it’s been a year since he broke up with me, and lots of silence after. I feel like I could have married him, almost like thats something not done. But then other days I think I may have just had a lucky escape. But I’m stuck as I cant move on and still love him, despite these things. I dont know why, aside from that I deeply loved him, even though he behaves as he does. Silly isnt it? !!!

      I th

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        Sue

        01/21/2010 at 10:11 am

        And yeah I realise I did lose myself into him and the relationship, that I wont do again.

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  Debbie

  01/07/2010 at 9:23 pm

  Wow, whoever wrote 01/04, if the timing didn’t conflict with mine, I’d swear you had been dating my ex. We argued, I apologized, but he got childish and manipulative and the topper was a silent treatment, still ongoing. Two weeks, and I went from suffering to not caring anymore and glad I got out of a relationship with a mentally ill man before it was too late
  At some point, I got wise and realized he is just plain sick to torture me this long, that he cannot possibly care for me to drag it out like this. I sensed he was actually enjoying hurting me.
  He had same issue you mention in 2nd sentence. I’ve been genuinely good to him in general and particularly patient in that matter, but it seemed the more I gave the less I got. THen I learned this is a past pattern with him, that he even got cited with contempt of court for not appearing or responding, all because he got caught up in a sick game of manipulation with his exwife. Talk about carrying it too far.
  This website was awesome, and the comic strip in particular is great. Anytime you can add humor and actually laugh at a heartbreaking subject and in spite of a breaking heart, you know you’ll be ok.

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  Hard to let go

  01/08/2010 at 4:06 am

  Well, here is my followup to my previous post on the 4th. I “ran into” my friend who has been giving me the silent treatment for two weeks on Tuesday. I happen to be at dinner with a male friend at the time. Needless to say this did not go over very well, but that is a whole other subject. When I got home I noticed SEVERAL EMAILS/text waiting for me to open from HIM. There were also 4 voice messages waiting for me. INTERSTING…he hasn’t spoke to me in two weeks and then see’s me with another man and BAM…he’s using every way of communication to get in touch with me to no avail….he was probably sending smoke signals as well!!! LOL!!! Anyway, his messages were so over the top rude…making mountains out of molehills when he didnt even know the facts of why and who I was out with. He kept asking me WHY I didn’t return his text or calls when my friend and I left the restaurant….I said because I wanted to give him a little dose of his own medicine. He didn’t understand. I said “THE SILENT TREATMENT YOU”VE BEEN GIVING ME FOR TWO WEEKS” (by this time I have already read this site and everyones thoughts and advise). He immediatly says “I do that to COOL OFF!!” The ol’ I need to cool off crap…please. He said that he learned long ago that he has a temper and if he doesnt do that he will say things he will regret later…..Okay, I give him that…BUT FOR TWO WEEKS???!!!!! ITS NOT LIKE I STEPPED OUT ON HIM!!!! I BROUGHT UP SOMETHING THAT TRUELY NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED (his premature ejaculation problem). So, I told him that I do not deserve to be completely ignored…it would not have killed him to send me back a MERRY CHRISTMAS or even a Happy New Year…VIA TEXT!!!! I wasnt even asking to HEAR HIS VOICE!!!
  He agreed with me and made a promise to “work on it”. I give him credit for at least going that far and not denying it. It was very late and I ended the conversation. The next day I sent him an email expressing in more detail how I felt about what he had done and how it made me feel….no response….one hour….two hours…three hours…FINALLY he respond “Not ignoring you, just busy at work” Needless to say, after work he took me out to dinner…we talked more but I didn’t get a “happy ending” (if you know what I mean…Ha Ha…he just took me home and dropped me off. We have a “date” set for Monday…it should be interesting. I think he did use the silent treatment on me to hurt me and have CONTROL…but when he saw me with another man, thinking OH CRAP, she’s not home sulking…she’s OUT…and he probably realized he COULD BE REPLACED IN A HEARTBEAT….he learned real quick that the silent treatment isnt going to work on ME!!! I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW IT!!!! (THANKS TO ALL OF YOU). I am giving him another chance…..and hopefully the REAL PROBLEM behind all of this can be resolved one way or another. I’ll have to figure out how to touch on that subject again with him another way. Thanks again to all of you.

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    Lolana

    01/13/2010 at 3:12 am

    Wow good luck with that guy but frankly, he scares me…if he’s still so pissed off two weeks later from something you said that he is afraid of losing control of himself, that is a pretty bad flag….be really careful…..ask yourself would he have called you all those times if he had seen you out alone?

    Controlling people get insanely jealous and respond to power plays, but it’s not the same thing as love….so just be careful… please keep in touch here.

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      Annie

      01/15/2010 at 8:26 pm

      I completely agrea with Lolana on this, this is also another way to manipulate you. That’s what they do, as soon as they see that the silent treatment is not working they come back crawling all nice nice.. until the next fight arises watch, he will go back to his pattern by giving you the silent treatment. Mark our words, this guy will stike again…lol

      Reply
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  Bia

  01/13/2010 at 4:05 am

  My question is what is the difference between someone giving the silent trreament and icing you out completely? I got into a disagreement with a man I was dating for a couple of months . I called him on his behavior and he has not spoken to me for 4 months. I was harsh only because I was hurt from his not returning my calls unless he WANTED to. I remember that he really hated cofrontation. He was shaking once when I confronted him. I asked him why and he said he was nervous. I wonder how long this will go on for. i have tried to contact him so many times since August and he continues to shut me out. But he won’t even tell me he doesnt want to talk to me either so i don’t know what to think. Is he angry, or just not interested in knowing me anymore. I don’t get it.

  Reply
  • 

    Lolana

    01/14/2010 at 12:26 am

    I’m sorry Bia that is terrible. Your confrontation probably triggered something in his mind and you can’t know what that is, but you had the right to confront him about it if it was bothering you. The only other option would have been to suffer in silence and become resentful and nasty.

    This kind of thing hurts but my experience is that when a person does that sort of thing, it’s what you can expect from them when you try to deal with problems. People don’t change all that easily, depending on how old you are. A big fantasy I had was of changing the guys I dated who behaved like that. I came to this forum not because of a guy but because of my birth family who is still icing me out. That’s what I learned from them, so I repeated it with guys, thinking being treated like that was normal and something to expect—or, at least, that this type of guy seemed attracted to me and the healthier ones weren’t, so this was going to be my fate. It wasn’t until I found an amazing guy who didn’t do this to me at all, that actually didn’t bore me, that I have had a relationship without any power struggles at all.

    It is a whole different way of life, not having to deal with keeping score and power struggles. I still struggle with having to let go my family which is why I come post here and read what happens to other people. It is a much more common problem than I knew and I feel less of a lame-o for having it happen to me.

    Anyway, I wrote in my blog about the last time I saw my family and I thought you all here might enjoy it. Here’s the link

    http://exiledinhollywood.blogspot.com/2010/01/last-time-i-saw-my-family.html

    Happy New Year and feel free to post again this is a great column.

    Reply
• 

  grace

  01/15/2010 at 9:28 pm

  Well, my husband takes these “business trips” out of town for a few days at a time every month, and he always assures me that they’re just business trips. but, the last time he went, his cell phone kept mistakenly calling me, and i heard him with another woman (I dont know who it was, and Im not sure if he’s having an affair), and i could tell the he was at a strip joint, and I am totally against strip clubs. I texted him on his cell phone to tell him everything I heard , and he just outright lied and told me that I’m just paranoid! I haven’t spoken to him in a few days, and it just seems like he doesn’t care, and it just breaks my heart. Am I the one in the wrong here for giving him the silent treatment? I know that if I do speak to him, he’s just going give me a bunch of lies anyway.

  Reply
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  marcus

  01/16/2010 at 4:43 pm

  The “silent treatment” is a pretty immature and abusive way of dealing with a conflict. It can say: “I am here because I have to be but I don’t want to communicate with you and I don’t like you”. If in a one-on-one relationship, I generally react rather strongly to this, will read the relationship as ended and distance myself. After all, that is what the silent treatment, on the surface, is asking for. Also someone who behaves like this with you is cruel and has issues and, however painful it is, they are probably not worth being around. Tell them to f*ck off if you want but it’s never really productive or satisfying I think to formally terminate a friendship (not talking about lovers here). Instead, all you have to do is see less of them, be polite but reciprocate their lack of interest – that does mean the friendship is over but it doesn’t cause scenes and this leaves the door ajar should things improve and they grow up which I think is not a bad idea.

  But the silent treatment can also be a neurotic pattern learned from somewhere that craves attention. It can say: “See how important I am to you – see how much you value me if I withdraw my affection? Acknowledge how important I am to you!”. In other words, while punishing you, they are seeking reinforcement that you care about them enough to be hurt – which is contradictory but that’s the nature of neurotic behavior. If this is the case you could try saying: “look I’m very hurt that you are not communicating with me because our friendship is really important and I value you etc” and see if that defuses things.

  I think also there is a half-way partial kind of silent treatment which isn’t silent at all. This is when someone is still talking to you and is almost interacting as a friend but not quite. You both go through some of the motions of friendship but something has changed and their is an underlying hostility and lack of trust that kills the enjoyment of the relationship. I’m in the situation at the moment with somebody – it started when I got very angry with her for messing me around over a dinner invitation that was important to me. Since then things have not been the same. My best guess is she feels I am oversensitive and digs at me to prove this, in which case I would be best advised not to react. I am hopeful things will repair given time.

  Reply
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  Debbie

  01/19/2010 at 6:53 pm

  I wonder how things are working out for ”hard to let go” because my own experience tells me people don’t change. I too wonder if he wasn’t motivated only by jealousy and a loss of control when he saw her with another man.

  Silent treatments are a form of abuse, and a pretty sick one. The people capable of them are the same types who hold grudges forever for every stupid perceived wrong…they never forgive and believe they have some kind of power over people when in fact they’re only destorying themselves. When all else fails, they go silent. They get off on it.
  I think it’s sick and potentially dangerous and life is too short to go out with or marry someone who will always have you walking on eggshells.

  Reply
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  Debbie

  01/20/2010 at 1:20 am

  I like what Denise posted.
  We make a decision to be manipulated, or not.
  It’s not easy when someone warps our love for them and twists it into a control issue. It hurts.

  And of course it’s easier said than done to walk away from one we love, but it’s not fair if that person is giving you the silent treatment or in any other way abusing you. Love shouldn’t hurt constantly and deliberately.

  Reply
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  Bianca

  01/20/2010 at 1:50 am

  I can’t help but try to figure these people out. I know I should just move on but I keep asking myself How on earth could someone remain silent for that long? I have also noticed that people who inflict silence are also prone to lying all the time. I think this is a way of avoiding intimacy.

  I keep thinking of what I will say to him if he ever talks to me again. It’s sort of pathetic that I would even care

  Reply
• 

  Sue

  01/20/2010 at 10:48 am

  Hi,

  Can anyone advise here? I was seeing a guy for almost 3 yrs, its a year ago he broke up with me at the end of the day on my birthday. I really thought he was the one I could marry and spend many years ahead with. I’m really badly heartbroken, he was the first person I really deeply loved.

  And now, it’s like I dont exist. He said he’d be friends, but I’m getting totally blanked like I am invisible. I dont understand how someone can go from really caring about you, loving you, to treating you like you dont exist. He said we’d meet in about six months, i.e. before Christmas, but we then didnt. I think now that was all lies possibly, just to say that friends thing, when the reality is I may never see him again ever. How can someone do that? How can he just disappear from my life, when I really deeply loved him, and he doesnt even check to see if I am ok.

  I could have died and he wouldnt even notice or care it seems. Am not coping at all well with this. It’s not even really the break up so much, but how and that I am being ignored now like I am a nobody. I dont understand how anyone can be so mean to another whom they know deeply loves (loved) them.

  Any advice please?

  Reply
• 

  Debbie

  01/21/2010 at 1:56 am

  Sue, I feel your pain, I truly do. I know it’s hard to hear this and accept it but take it from one who’s been there…I had a bf like this and he turned out to be a sociopath.
  They don’t really love in the true sense if they can do this. Maybe it’s not as sick or dramatic in your case, but I sense your hurt is just as deep, esp. after 3 years.
  I have no idea how someone can do this, but they do. Normal people DON’T. Normal, compassionate people who are capable of true intimacy and an adult relationship have empathy. They would handle even a breakup with more consideration and dignity.
  I hope it has gotten a bit easier. In my case, it did with time. The first few mos. were hard, but I started to feel like myself again and was glad I got out of a relationship with a sick psychotic man before it was too late. I have since learned that he abused his exwife, used to hit her, once threw a TV at the window, in front of their daughters. I’ve since gotten the lowdown. Better to find out ahead of time.
  God bless you Sue. You’re going to come out ahead in this. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. And without a hurt, the heart is hollow. It will make you a better person.
  Debbie

  Reply
  • 

    Sue

    01/21/2010 at 9:50 am

    Thanks for your reply Debbie, I think yes there are some issues there with him and I had a lucky escape. But it’s been a year now, my birthday being just in the new year of last year. I find like today myself waking up and still feeling I am deeply in love with him. I think because we had so much more we should have done together. It’s tearing me apart, as it’s hard to get other areas of your life going with this as it is. I tried moving on and each time I think I have sorted out my mind’s thoughts, I find myself stuck.

    Yes I am very stuck. I am still deeply in love with him and dont know how to get out of that.

    I think you are right on one thing, and I dont believe it’s malicious on their part but this type of man has no empathy so there is an absence of compassion and good love I guess.

    All my friends are worried about me, as they see I am stuck but I cant get unstuck. Like you when I wake up there is a real deep sadness feeling I had in my life. Like the light is always out, there’s no joy almost. People try to joke or make me laugh, but I dont laugh much anymore, as I see no joy, only sadness in me.

    I dont know how to break the cycle, does anyone know of any books about that type of thing, healing from broken heart? !!

    I dont know if any of you have seen the film, The Holiday, with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz, it was on a lot at Christmas, but I am just like Kate’s character, though he did reciprocate his love many times. But I am just where her character is emotions and situation wise almost.

    At Christmas I got a card from him, first contact in about 3 months, written as if know your birtthere is nothing wrong. Signed off, we can meet sometime, saying he knew it was my birthday coming up in the new year and with “love and hugs xxx”. My birthday 2010 came and went, I thought he may send me a card or something, but no nothing, silence again, no text, no email, no card, no call, nothing, I mean, what is that about!!! Messing my head again and again.

    I know my story is not as bad as some on here, in that I had not been hit, but I’ve never encountered this playing games of the mind, and it’s really messed me up. I’m on year on after he broke up with me, and still as bad as then. But had no idea before what it may be due to.

    This is really hell, I think it has been psychologically/emotionally abusive, though I find I dont like to attach that label to him. I like to see the best in people, and am very loyal, but now I am seriously suffering. Isnt this what can happen in many domestic abuse situations, the woman hangs on or goes back because she cares or loves him, and he knows it. And I think a lot of the harm is unintentional by them, it’s something in their makeup is not quite right, e.g. no empathy, etc.

    Oh what a catch – not! I think I am going insane with this overanalysing of it all and inability to move on, argh!

    I’ll get that book Debbie it sounds like a must for me. Are there any others anyone can suggest for healing or moving on, etc.?

    Reply
• 

  Debbie

  01/21/2010 at 2:02 am

  From Bianca: I keep thinking of what I will say to him if he ever talks to me again. It’s sort of pathetic that I would even care.

  No it is not pathetic Bianca. It just means you’re holding out hope for the potential good you saw in the relationship. I’ve been there done that, still do it sometimes, but it was more a fantasy of him coming back sniveling and me being in control. Until (this is only in my case, I’m not saying all guys who give the silent treatment are sociopaths) I learned just how sick he is.
  That he’s beyond hope or help. (See my post to Sue for details).
  It still hurts. I’m so lonely especially, and not quite ready to date again although I’m starting to feel myself and even smile at men I meet and don’t wake up anymore feeling like all my happiness was based on my relationship with him and his acceptance of me.
  I read a great book “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved.” I recommend it highly, cleared my head.
  Bianca if you keep trying to figure these guys out, it will help you at least to do that and more importantly, it advises that the more important thing to do is save yourself. You can’t change him.
  I hope this helps.

  Reply
• 

  Debra

  01/21/2010 at 5:46 pm

  (Since there are 2 Debbies on here, I’m going to go by Debra from now on to differentiate…)
  Sue, I know it’s easy to say but I think you need to at least TRY to forget this guy who has so callously forgotten about you and cut you off. Otherwise, I think you’re setting yourself up for a future abusive relationship either with him or someone new. You say your friends are worried about you, you are lucky to have their support. Don’t lose them. You must have some interests and hobbies, things you like to do. Do them! Go out with your friends. Throw yourself into your job. Go back to school, take up a new sport. It will make you feel better about yourself and take your mind off of what is now an imaginary relationship based on the past and on only one persona he presented.
  I still do it too. As time passes, I remember only the good. We forget pain until it’s inflicted again. If you were to get back with him, you’d find the same pattern emerging in a shorter time.
  Do you call him or text or write? Does he respond? If not, he’s sick and he’s cruel or he just never really loved you and only played a game.
  Thereare a lot of good men out there but you won’t find any if you don’t at least try. Meanwhile, take care of yourself, get a facial or a manicure…whatever…but you have to try. Staying in love with him is not healthy, and it obviously wasn’t a healthy relationship. A year is long enough to mourn.
  I like this which I read somewhere: No matter how bad you feel, Get up, Dress up and Show up.
  Don’t lay in bed dwelling on this.

  Reply
  • 

    Sue

    01/23/2010 at 6:19 pm

    Thank you “Debra”, you are quite right and it’s really useful to read. I had just stopped doing the things I usually do. I think I have mild depression set in too. I guess I’m mourning a bit, but more that it was non-acceptance, just simply not dealing with it in a forward way. I guess I also have been beating myself up because I forgave him and took him back and gave him a second chance, which I thought and believed is good to do. But no, even if he came back now (which I sense he may in the future) I can’t go back to him, even though I have some love for him. As he’s done a good job of killing the strong love I had for him by his actions.

    It is a mental battle to heal and recover from someone who I thought I could marry, have kids with, and be together for many years. I totally hear what you say about “good love”.

    I realise now he is the type who is actually treating the person closest to him the worst, though obviously to begin with the first 6 months are all charming to win you first. It saddens me to think that.

    Re communication, I have sent a few of emails to him, he’s replied to a few, others he’s ignored. Not right is it? Then for new year, as with my friends, I sent a text to people to wish them a happy new year, most reply back to that wishing the same. He ignored it. Oh what a catch he was – when I put it that way, it shows someone’s true colours.

    For him, I don’t think the behaviour is intentionally cruel, am I in denial? Perhaps, I guess it is cruel, as he knows he’s doing it, I view it more as inhumane, and heartless. I guess they are all the same words, and I am making excuses! But not necessarily malicious, in the way I’ve read some abusive relations can be where they get enjoyment from controlling you. I guess that is what it is, the silence is control isn’t it. Dictating when you can or can’t be allowed to communicate. Treating someone like they don’t exist is however awful, especially when I have been so loving. It’s a really heartless thing to do. I just dont get that behaviour at all. How can anyone do that to someone they loved, or they know loves them. How?

    Anyway, you are right, I need to recover, rebuild, get back to my old confident self. Thank you, your advice is fab.

    Reply
• 

  lolanyc

  01/22/2010 at 4:33 pm

  Ive been dating this guy 5 months ive met his family friends. had holidays together told me he loved me.. but he had this ex who kept calling him weekly that i even know of. she wants him back he says he doesnt answer the phone. he doesnt want her ect..
  so he was acting funny, distant i tried to look at his phone he has a game on it i like and he took it from me which i thought was odd.

  so i was by his place and he went out and i looked in the box of condoms we had and i know we only used 1. I know. and 2 were missing! i didnt know what to think or do!!

  he came home.. i dont live with him.. we are both 35. i said ” why are there 2 condoms missing” he said i dont know then he said maybe i brought them to my moms when we went for the holidays in his bag. no wwe never used them i didnt ask to see the bag..

  he then goes on to say i dont wanna talk on my day off i just wanna relax.. like completely cutting me off!!
  he said i cant believe you dont trust me! I cant beleieve u counted the condoms.. and i didnt count! it was clear that more than 1 was gone. i dont know why I looked in the drawer. I really dont. i said its cuz your ex keeps calling.. there was even some of her stuff still in his medicine cabinet hes like look girls stuff i dont know what this is.. he threw it out..

  then he laid on the bed eyes closed i said are u mad?? i said I do believe you i do trust you.. and hes like im dissapointed..

  ok so i ended up leaving that day we kissed goodbye.. didnt really solve anything. I texted him that night the next day 2ce and a call.. i left him alone 1 day then the next day i texted 2ce and called once but no message.. so its been 4 days and no contact.

  i have his apt key and my stuff is still at his place. he does seem a bit controlling, and tries to dominate me alot.. not in a mean way though. this is the 1st time and i dont know if he thinks im nuts for counting them… something that wasnt mine. i said but their our condoms and he said no i bought them their mine like everything else in this apt! meanwhile when we 1st dated he said whats mine is yours!

  is this just an issue of control and tourture? or is he that pissed? did he cheat? i dont know. maybe i was wrong…

  but to do this>? this long?? what should i do now just ignore him dont call? how long should i wait?

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  • 

    Lolana

    02/04/2010 at 1:34 am

    It sounds to me like he is playing with your head!

    Reply
• 

  iamtiredofit

  01/23/2010 at 6:12 pm

  I was abused and even up to today for a very long time in this way, and it still hurts up to right now when I think about it. The person who abused me- is an anti domestic violence advocate…………go figure. That is what hurts me worst of all- just knowing that she was my mentor and hero and is Supposed to know better than to treat me this way- but she continues to treat just ME this way while going on helping everybody else who is not me, and every day and on a continuing basis it just HURTS to my very core. And nobody seems to understand how hurtful this truly is. And as stated in the article, ever since it happened, it has taken a toll on me. Many times I’ve wished death on myself because I’ve felt like a horrible human being, being ignored can all plays mind games with you, I have health issues, weight issues which I’ve never had before, and true feelings of plainly not caring about much when it comes to myself. YES, ignoring somebody who is a person who exists just as plainly as any reader of this article does, can truly be detrimental to their health in the end.

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  Debra

  01/23/2010 at 11:24 pm

  Sue,
  I’ve SO been there, even displaying kindness and compassion because, I thought, he didn’t know what he was doing and his “other personality” is great…he doesn’t know what a jerk he is, can’t help it…if he had this other side that showed so much love, it’s still got to be there, right?!
  WRONG.
  It was an act. Maybe he did it unconsciously, but it still signals a sick man who will never treat you right.

  He is not losing sleep thinking about how much he still loves YOU. He doesnt even give you the courtesy of answering your calls and texts. He’s just using you and hurting you.
  Please don’t allow it.
  Well, it’s a slow process and it takes time but you have to take your life back and assume control. Otherwise his silent treament and deliberately ignoring your contact is another way he likes putting the nail in the coffin. (And yes, they do like it…because they like control so getting emails etc. from someone who loves them, just so they can ignore them, is control and they LIKE that) Three years with talk of marriage is serious. He knows you and knows how to push your buttons and probably thinks you’ll come running back if he finally does call, just to let you dangle again.
  I’ve seen this too many times, and let myself, after a 10 yr. absense get suckered into another misogynist’s web…I was so giving, we talked of marriage, the whole 9 yards.
  And yes, I was devastated afterwards. It didn’t add up!
  But I don’t care, anyone who can shut their emotions off so completely after being in a serious relationship and gaining someone’s intimacy and trust is plain sick.
  When you’re with a sick person, one of two things can happen. Either being around you makes them ”better” or else their sickness is going to bring you down and make YOU sick. (That’s what happens when women stay in abusive relationships.)

  I hate to think of you mourning this guy and feeling so miserablel, only because I’ve been there. And if it just happened to you, I’d say you need the time to grieve, but I think it’s unhealthy for you to continue to do so and it’s unproductive, won’t bring him back. Remember: you don’t want him back. You deserve better.

  It’s always hard to end a relationship when we thought that person was the one…I know…( I KNOW) but if I can share any wisdom from my bruised heart, it is to not let an abusive person control you, via silent treatment or any other b.s.

  It is a shame there are so many creepy people out there in the world and they victimize genuinely nice people.
  I hope this helped. I hope I was not too harsh or making it sound too simple, I know it’s not. That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

  Reply
  • 

    Sue

    01/24/2010 at 1:14 am

    Hi Debra

    Thanks for your advice is it really helpful, and simple and direct/blunt is probably the best way right now, with this type of situation.

    When you say, “anyone who can shut their emotions off so completely after being in a serious relationship and gaining someone’s intimacy and trust is plain sick.”
    - this is the type of behaviour I dont understand, and yes, I think you are exactly right there.

    And, I was originally pre-him a very confident happy person, by the end I was totally brought down, lost confidence, like an emotional wreck, due to how I was being made to feeling when with him, mostly through being ignored at times, being treated as insignificant at times, almost like taken for granted, but by then he knew I was deeply fallen in love with him. As you said too caring, and I think I was too in love with him.

    I will start doing and rebuilding myself, and my shattered self confidence, and start getting out and back to doing fun stuff, new and old stuff I used to before. Yes, you are quite right, I need to take back full control of my life. I wont let him dicate anything over me in any way, his silence going forward will be his problem, not any control over me.

    Sue

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  Sue

  01/24/2010 at 8:41 am

  Also, if I am really honest, right now I am truly badly heartbroken over it all. The trust and intimacy I gave has now been totally shattered. I feel extremely exhausted.

  I just dont have the energy or cant face the emotional trauma of starting over again, and being at risk of that happening again.

  Also, if I was going to have kids it would be in the next few years, and yeah I thought he was “the one”. How can you recover from that. I’m so heartbroken with no energy left, and little faith in good guys out there.

  Silence, and being blanked now is absolute mental torture, and really cruel from someone who I did trust and was intimate with. I feel I have so much damage to myself now, that I never had before.

  Reply
• 

  Debra

  01/25/2010 at 10:23 pm

  Sue,
  It’s terribly painful and it’s going to take time.
  No one can explain why someone would be cruel enough to completely gain your love and trust and then stomp on it so viciously and deliberately.
  Just be glad that you’re not like that.
  It’s the worst kind of betrayal, but at least you’ll be better prepared should you ever meet another heartless man. I know that’s little comfort now and you’re probably still wondering “what if, what if??”
  One day at a time. You’ll be ok. Like you said you were an upbeat person before you met him.
  His “act” built you up and then threw you down, but you’ll regain your footing and your shattered self-confidence will not be shattered any longer.
  The next time you feel yourself truly badly heartbroken, think of his more recent actions, the deliberate cruelty. You don’t deserve that!

  Reply
  • 

    Sue

    01/26/2010 at 4:29 pm

    Thanks Debra, what you wrote is immensely helpful to my situation.

    For those who have been in such situations, of emotional abuse of any form, in my research for good books, I’ve come across this one which many people have rated highly, so I have it on order now too.

    Why Does he do that?
    by Lundy Bancroft

    http://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656?tag=kensavagecom-20&camp=213381&creative=390973&linkCode=as4&creativeASIN=0425191656&adid=15KTJQ4QB5BJM7XCMWEW&

    Reply
    • 

      Venus

      01/28/2010 at 9:37 pm

      I just want to say that I second this book as a recommendation.

      It is excellent! And also it’s very eye-opening once you realize how calculated these types of peoples’ actions are!

      Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

      Reply
      • 

        Sue

        01/29/2010 at 12:39 am

        I have just got this book:

        Why Does He Do That?
        Inside the minds of angry and controlling men
        by Lundy Bancroft

        - I definitely recommend it, I can’t put it down, and am about two thirds through reading it already and so many things make sense now, and so many classic signs. It’s very helpful to read about the types of abusive behaviours too, as it’s quite therapeutic to read it too.

        Reply
• 

  samantha

  01/27/2010 at 11:11 pm

  I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years and it recently ended. We share a child together, so therefor, we have to communicate. He is refusing to do even that. He is angry and bitter towards me and feels if he ignores me ans doen’t answer emails, calls and texts then I will get upset. He knows this is one of my biggest pet peeves, and doedn’t care!! I have depression and sdhd, so it only makes this worse in my case. I still care for him and wish things were different, and he DOES NOT!!! He has my child this week due to a custody agreement, and I am suppose to pick her up and he is saying to others not to. I am frustrated and angry, and even more hurt then you can imagine. I have said some things out of anger about him and I am sure this is why he is acting like a child.

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    Sue

    01/29/2010 at 1:10 am

    Hi Samantha,

    Its sounds very traumatic what you are dealing with. Are you able to say what types of abusive behaviours you were dealing with?

    He’s still trying to control you with silence even after you have split, that is what I am dealing with too, just no kid involved. It’s pure mind bending control, and as you say as it’s one of the key things they know you want the most, communication, so they give you zero. Be strong.

    Depression was creeping in with me too, try the herbal remedy St. Johns Wort, it’s good for depression.

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• 

  Debra

  01/28/2010 at 6:17 pm

  The more I read from others, the clearer the sick “silent treatment” appears. These are men who probably held their breath till they turned blue as kids. They never outgrew their childish, maladaptive patterns. They are disingenuous.
  Before my relationship ended, my bf did other things besides silent treatment to get off on his feeling of control. At the last minute, he would cancel plans to have dinner with my friends in their home…not because something came up but because he got a perverse delight in causing trouble, he liked the shock value of it. He liked disappointing me and putting me in embarrassing and awkward positions. Normal people don’t do these things. Another stupid form of control. Also, though, normal people don’t have to put up with the stupid games these guys play. Life’s too short. I intend to spend it with people who are real, and who can be trusted.

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    Sue

    01/29/2010 at 1:12 am

    Hi Debra

    Looking back my guy did disappoint me a lot too. I guess there were quite a few signs when I think back, but I was too deeply in love to spot them for what they really were.

    Lessons learnt the hard way. i.e. The little signs are important to indicate the future, and trust your gut feel.

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  Paul

  01/29/2010 at 1:58 am

  Reading the comments on this forum has been a help to me, through 44 months (yes, almost 4 years) of the silent treatment at work, 5 days a week. The situation came to an end last October when the source of the silent treatment lost her job over it, mostly because she had taken the same approach with our boss. But the after effects of nearly 4 years of being made to feel insignificant didn’t just end there, and they are proving more difficult to get rid of. I have been losing sleep at night for the last 3 and a half years, getting maybe 4 – 5 hours sleep per night, and last December I had a seizure which my neurologist says could have been caused by lack of sleep/exhaustion.

  But that’s beside the point. Reading the comments here for the last couple of years, a few things struck me. How come this forum seems to have only women discussing their silent treatment at the hands of their boyfriends/husbands? Where are all the men (aside from me) who are getting the silent treatment? Do they just not talk about it? I must have been naive when I used to think the silent treatment was mostly a method of punishment (and a very effective one) used by women against men. So that’s one big area where this forum has been an eye-opener.

  Also, lately there have been some comments (I don’t remember the original author) from and in response to a woman who was getting the silent treatment from a guy she had just broken up with. But after a break up, isn’t it sometimes better (although maybe more painful, at first) to go “cold turkey” without lingering contacts with the person you just can’t get over? It just seemed to me that when I had a crush on someone whom I couldn’t get out of my mind, the response from people (including friends) would be “You’re just obsessed, you need to get over her!”
  But on this forum, I never see the word “obsessed” or “obsession” even mentioned. Isn’t being unable to get over someone who is not as interested in you as you are in them, losing sleep, not being able to eat, etc., pretty much the definition of obsession? Don’t get me wrong: I hate the word obsession, because it seemed like the people who told me I was “only obsessed” were saying that it was illegitimate for me to feel as I did, about the object of those feelings. But the stories on this forum make me wonder, where is the line between love and “obsession”..? Is it a thin line? Is there a line at all, or is LOVE really just a lucky fate where two people are mutually “obsessed” with each other?

  I can’t help but think that someone who uses the silent treatment after a break up, might just be doing the other person a favor in the long term: maybe it’s just that guy’s way of getting over you? Maybe he’s finding it just as hard as you are, and no contact is better than having lingering contacts that will just prolong the false hope of a reconciliation? I have always thought that when one person in a break up says they “still want to be friends”, it’s because deep down, they still hope to get back together again, or change the other person’s mind again.

  I could be all wrong (I’m only a man after all) – hell, I haven’t been right yet, but that’s why I’m here.

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    Venus

    01/29/2010 at 2:54 pm

    Hello Paul,
    Welcome to the blog. It’s nice to have a man around here. I have researched on many different sites and it seems men are equally affected by this, it just probably isn’t well-reflected here. Being made to feel insignificant/invisible and loss of sleep are all related to the silent treatment, no doubt. And no doubt it lead to your procedure.
    As for the “obsessed” thing, my point of view comes from a married one so I can’t relate to those breaking up and then having the silent treatment. My experience is from being in a marriage and having my husband do this constnatly to me whenever he was upset over something (even minor) or when he just was in a bad mood. It would last from a few days to a couple of weeks. The number it did on my head is still something I deal with today and there is really no better word to describe going through something like that habitually as ‘crippling.’ I felt dead inside a lot of times from being in a house with my spouse, who is supposed to love me, just complely ignoring my existance.
    We’re separated now.
    There are a lot of warning signs, as I saw someone mention above (think it was Sue). Definitely pay attention to your instincts/gut always. They are there for a reason.

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    Lolana

    02/04/2010 at 2:16 am

    Hi Paul, I was wondering the same thing…where are the guys? Because women do this too, in fact my problem is not with a guy but with family members in particular women. But I did have this problem with guys and it does get obsessional. It can be a really vicious circle because when people are ambivalent about what they want, they often know exactly what words to use to keep you in the grey area thinking there is hope.

    There were two relationships that went on like that for years with me. The first one I dumped because I hated the obsessive craziness I felt when he gave me the silent treatment. He did it to everyone, not just me. His employer (a major network news organization) didn’t like it very much either when for example he went awol for a week and refused to answer pages and phone calls. somewhow he kept the job.
    anyway, that guy I really was in love with, but I could not take it, so broke up with him. Cold turkey, hurt bad. a year later, he had to have me, when he discovered i’d fallen in love with yet another ambivalent guy. He then became just as obsessed as I had been, and I got to see firsthand how it looks from the other perspective (and it ain’t pretty either).
    Second guy even more ambivalent and he was the one who really cured me because after that I was like, no more period. But he kept me on the string for four years and knew exactly what to say to give me hope. As long as things were ‘Undefined” we could be together. I was so hopelessly gone on him that I was OK with it.
    Until I wasn’t.
    then I met my current boyfriend and by then was so sick of the routine that I fell for an actually really cool guy, a self-described “reformed narcissist” who has exhibited zero narcissistic behavior and who now is half my sanity.
    It can happen but you have to get away from people who do this to you. Unfortunately that meant the people who called themselves my “family”, I was always there for them, never turned them away, but they ignored me, refused to take my points of view and lifestyle and political beliefs seriously. Frankly I cannot take their political beliefs seriously either, but I was always willing to talk and never put anyone down.
    When my dad sent me a book called “Liberal Fascism” (to describe my progressive political beliefs, I assume) that was pretty much it for me. What is left to say when someone calls you a fascist?

    But otherwise, you’re right. Total cutoff is the only way if it’s really over. Problem is this:
    1) making everything the other person’s fault
    2) insisting they are crazy
    3) denying the other person’s reality (saying they’re crazy and don’t trust him, like the woman above who posted about finding condoms
    4) dishonesty

    you’re a guy, why do you think no guys are posting here? Is it because women are more inclined to talk about emotional issues? Interestingly, this is a guy’s blog, Ken Savage.

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  Sue

  01/29/2010 at 10:12 am

  Hi Paul, I think I am one of the people who you refer to as getting silent treatment after a break up. Yes for awhile I couldnt determine was the issue I was dealing with just the simple “no contact” thing as opposed to silent treatment as if you dont exist.

  I think the difference is, with the no contact thing, at the break up point, they say that is what they are doing and why. With silence treatment that is missing.

  With the “lets be friends” comment, it’s either of:
  i) a total lie which they know, to make it easier and less guilt for them,
  ii) genuinely said and just not really ever acted on,
  iii) genuinely said and leaving the door open, and most likely acted on many years or months later
  - very hard to know when you are prevented from talking.

  I think the point here is really that two rational reasonable adults talk, good or bad chat, they just talk.

  e.g. a guy friend of mine broke up with his g/f about 4 months back. He told he they should not be in touch to have space, and made it clear it was the no contact thing, for both. After about a month end just texts her to make sure she is ok. Then last week he met up with her, to make sure she was ok. He broke up with her. i.e. it’s the decent thing to do, make sure the person is ok and treating them as if they exist.

  To be honest though, the difference is really when you tie it up with other behaviours. I realise it was partly silent when togethe, plus a fair amount of other signs, of controlling actions, e.g. withholding affection when I said no to something, bit like punishing me, overreactions to things, inability to compromise or deal with conflict in a rational way you’d expect two adults who love each other to do, etc.

  I really really did wish it was just a “no contact” thing after a break up. Does that mean everyone couple that break up never ever see their former partner and best friend ever again? I doubt that.

  For me, as I can only speak for me, it’s the combination of other things plus the no contact that my gut feel is telling me it’s been controlling behaviour. Not on the levels of some people here, but I know he had issues with his ex before me as he told me somethings where he had been violent but blamed her saying he only did it in self defence, which I fell for! And I’ve never been this traumatised by breaking up with someone before, and I just had many unanswered questions in my situation, things that I didnt understand.

  Now having read the book,
  “Why Does He Do That?
  Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”
  - unfortunately it fits one of the character types pretty exactly. I really wish it didnt, because I dont like labelling him with that tag, because after all I dated and fell for him, so it is a reflection on me too.

  Your observation on men and woman posting here, I think reflects who it mostly affects, i.e. it affects mostly women, with the silent treatment by men, because by nature women generally like to chat. So the odds are just that way. Likewise, not many posting if all about same sex couples, I’m sure they have the same issues, but just percentages are less.

  Can anyone else comment on the “no contact” thing after a break up and whether it is silent treatment in a way or not. How to differentiate really between it. Hard to know for sure when you’re in the middle of it. I think personally as I say above, it’s the mixture of behavioural issues, and with it happening to a past ex, I know it then cant be her, and so must be him, or I’d not have some of the issues I’d had while with him.

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  Sue

  01/29/2010 at 10:46 am

  Also, I think one comment character thing is this person is highly self centered, where they show no compassion or empathy to consider your side of it.

  They make most of the decisions during the relationship. I remember telling him to not make the decisions fo both of us, I have feelings too. But they do and with silent treatment it’s like when they decide it will be ok for you to talk to them again, only then will they acknowledge you and allow it.

  If it was really just no contact after a break up, surely when you try to contact someone, they can say, “we need to not be in touch for a bit or at all, I wish you well”, or similar, it’s really not that hard to do that. And so not just ignore it and say nothing. That is the difference in silent treatment control and no contact. One is humane, the other just mean.

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  Debra

  01/29/2010 at 8:27 pm

  Good to get a man’s perspective Paul.
  The difference betw. silent treatment and no contact, say, after a breakup, is the act of silence in ”the treatment” is inflicted deliberately to harm another person. It’s ostracism and can be vicious.
  When couples — or anyone — decide to cool it for awhile and avoid contact, there’s mutual understanding and respect. No one is trying to outdo the other or hurt or manipulate them.
  Whenever I need more insight, I go back to the top of this site where it says the silent treatment affects the part of the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex, which registers pain.
  It’s been awhile and I’m still blown away at how much my ex bf nearly destroyed me simply by not taking my calls or talking to me when communication and an attempt to save the relationship mattered the most. He had gained my love and trust ONLY to be able to stomp on it all and get a warped pleasure in doing so.

  Enough time has passed that I don’t think about it too much anymore, I don’t look for his call and I even erased him on my cell. Time to move on.

  As for “obsession” I think sometimes, until we strike a healthy balance in our hearts and minds again, we may dwell on a person too much. That’s natural and part of the grieving process. The key is at some pt. gathering your self-esteem and strength again and saying enough is enough, he or she is not worth it.

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  Sue

  01/29/2010 at 9:14 pm

  Hi Debra/Paul

  There is one other reason too, sometimes he can’t handle contact with you so he decides not to make any. So he does what he thinks is best for him, i.e. very self centred.

  And for some reason he lacks compassion and empathy to think of your feelings. I think this is a problem with such people, they just dont feel your pain, for some reason, it’s missing in their makeup. As a result they do what they do. I dont think it’s always intentional even, just twisted thinking on their part sadly.

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  Debra

  01/29/2010 at 9:23 pm

  You make a good point Sue.
  Lack of compassion and lack of empathy are two defining characteristics of many pathologies, including anti-social personality disorder, narcissism, schizophrenia, sociopaths and Asperger’s Syndrome (a high functioning autism).
  As you say, it’s ”missing in their makeup.”
  They say sociopaths also lack a conscience, which I suppose makes them capable of violating people and laws as some do. People who know my exbf and who knew him long before I did warn me he is a sociopath. They said he’s good at fooling people and being charming, and they always use Ted Bundy as an example. One woman said Ted Bundy even fooled the governor of Florida.
  Well, I don’t want to get too paranoid or scare others. But maybe it’s better to be a little spooked now and keep our heads on straight in future dating scenarios than to get mixed up with another cold-blooded manipulator.
  Honestly, this site saved my sanity!

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  Sue

  01/29/2010 at 9:43 pm

  My ex was charming too, he has a very lovely side which is why a woman falls for him, and to many of his friends and work colleagues he is just that.

  For my ex, I think it’s simply a personality disorder, one he probably doesnt really realise too much of either.

  As example of lack of empathy was when we were together, and he made me cry for something, his first reaction was, “oh you look beautiful when you cry”. Now correct me if I am wrong, but most normal peoples reaction is to hug or comfort them, etc. He just couldnt feel my pain, it was a most bizarre moment, but it was in no way a malicious comment he made. Sad really.

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  Sue

  01/29/2010 at 9:48 pm

  One other point on the matter of no contact or silence after a dating breakup. If a woman gets out prior to getting married, it’s still the same type of man, so the behaviour is the same, as those who had it happen after their marriage breakup. He will do the same silent treatment.

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  elleke

  01/31/2010 at 4:56 am

  I think we all need to realize that this behavior is ABUSE. The silent one is not hitting you physically but the hurt is just as painful as a physical assault. The answer is to leave the relationship. Draw the line at that much hurt. My husband practiced this method of dealing with conflict for the more than 20 years that I was married to him. He did not seem to think that I was hurt. He said he was protecting himself, which is what he did as a child when his stepfather overwhelmed him. To him it was natural behavor when he was emotionally challenged. I am sure he felt protected but he never grew past the 9-year old who first dealt with anger this way. Even when told how much his behavior hurt, he did not believe it. Even treating him to some of his own behavior did not make a difference. To him the self-preservation was most important. He kept control over the situation by pushing me away. He did not recognize that his behavior was abusive. So sad because he could have grown into a very unique person. Despite his deep emotional wound, I could not allow him to keep hurting me. Licking his wound is his job. Nothing I could do made a difference. Leaving him took the pressure off both of us; now he lives with a sibling who behaves in much the same way he does. But he does not feel as threatened, so the fallout is less for him. He still has not solved his problem, and I don’t think he will. I think there are other people who have other reasons for the silent treatment, such as deliberate emotional devastation, or just being a spoiled infant. It is still abuse, no matter their reason. And the only way out of abuse is to leave it behind.

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  richard

  02/01/2010 at 6:26 am

  hello, my keyboard is broken, plss bear with me. For tthe last 7yrs since I was given div papers, my kids who are now between 16 and 26 have been estrangd frm me. cold. hostile. i have beeen nexcluded frrom graduatns, weddings, holidayss…thhe ensuing depression landed me iin hspital and after a year, losiing my job. ive triied evverythining can think of…always be tthere for vistatin, carrdss, calls, emails, but i cannot do anythiing rght fr tthem. ii gve 65% of myy incme for child support andn live in a one room apt but if i even nhave a dime for a giift, thheyy are angry taht ii have any mmoney to buyy tthem a giifft…teyy just say, giive methe mneyy and not the gft…orr…why dont you sell yourr apt and give me tthe mmooney…my guesss is thatt thy are braiinwashed by x thhat i have no othher value tthan mooneyyy. i never hear frm m mtthem on fatherr day, birrthday , any day, even nafterr years of calls, emails once a week, cards. i was nott even mentiionoed iin my ydaughters wedding inviittaton. like i never exiisted..jusst cut outt from their lives..annd it taken ttoll on mmy hhealth…so…after 7yrs…i think ii ihavve to just cutt it off…she wins…shhe has the hhuossee, kiids and thhey want nothhining to doo with me…

  my questionn….shhouldd i send a final mail to tlll tthem why i stop conttacts.,,wishh them the bessst and tthen trryy to havea new lfe..orr…just stop the weeksly and stiill snd bday carrds…

  wnever i rrread the new age books…i gett all lovey dovvy and want t ofrrgive and forget but everyy ytiim i wrrite and geet n o resspnnse and anotther bday passes of mmin and not onee willl call orr on fatthers day…i get upset and i am sick off it…

  ii need to oheeal and see if ii can heal mmy yhheart and otthehr stuff in my body ythahtt is falling apart acc t myy doc…

  i dononnt even want to tell people thhag i have kds any mmre…obviiously they have been prrgrammed thatt thhey have no fatherr.

  thank yuo
  Riicharrd

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    Lolana

    02/04/2010 at 3:58 am

    Gosh Richard I’m so sorry. This is incredibly cruel. It sounds like they are brainwashed by their mother. When I was young my parents had such control over what I thought of people, because they were very opinionated. They did not respect my grandmother, who really loved me, and I absorbed that disrespect. I will regret that to the day I died, as my grandmother was a wonderful woman who loved us a lot, and without her, I would not have grown up knowing how worthy I was of love and care.

    Your family is poisonous to you this way, if you are only meaningful to them for money, or for what they can get from you. But the person above who said don’t be with people if to you, they are a priority but to them you are only an option.

    I have gotten rid of those people in my life over the past five years or so and I am so much happier, I cannot tell you. It hurts like hell to break off with family members, people I thought I would grow old knowing. I am much happier knowing that I will not be reaching out so they can reject me again.

    When you reach out and they reject, it does give them power over you. If it makes you feel better, maybe you should tell them. If you are giving them money and they treat you like this, document it, go back to court. There is no reason anyone should have to have their emotions raped like this.

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    Sue

    02/04/2010 at 10:02 am

    Hi Richard

    I think that quote I put on earlier by Einstein is so true, it’s in the post below. I think I will print it out myself and stick it on my mirror I use first thing each morning for awhile now at least as a real reminder. Plus put some affirmations, like on post it notes, e.g. “I am a good person”, ones relevant to you. Here are some from a book I’ve read:

    “I am now discovering the new, assertive me”
    “I make wise choices and have good judgement”
    “I am calm, relaxed and peaceful”
    “I am in charge of my life and make wise decisions”
    “I am free to do as I please”
    “I love and accept myself completely”
    “My thoughts and feelings are important”
    “I trust my instincts and always act accordingly”
    “I am taking responsibility for my family’s well being”
    “I am attracting healthy, loving relationships”
    “I only spend time with people who are caring and supportive”

    Maybe the learning and healing here for many of us is to work out who in our lives treats us as a priority and put your efforts into those relations, then you will have more success and it then will be reciprocated back. Identify these people and really values these connections.

    Those who treat you as an option, identify them and keep them at arms length and recognise their real motive. Like in the film, “He’s just not into you”, when the Gigi character realised many of the men in her failed relations were just there to use her for other things, e.g. for lifts, for accommodation for a bit, for money, etc etc. Here’s the family in your life are just taking your financial support at this point in time.

    Work out which people in your life are givers or takers….. do they add to your life positively or negatively, or neutral. How are they making you feel? Literally you can do a list of all people in your life you know and identify who falls where. Then you act accordingly. Remove your efforts from those you now see as negatively impacting your life, etc. Put your efforts to those you identify as positive in your life. Watch the results.

    If you do this, you will start getting things back together positively for you. Put yourself first now, your needs first, that’s the first step. You have been quite unselfish, caring, etc and tried to put others first. They take advantage of your nice and good nature too, but also only when you allow it. Start now and protect yourself by looking after yourself first. Please do it now, from now at least, you must stop this sprial by taking control.

    I’d suggest you do a formal letter via a lawyer to your kids, so its documented and you know they have them been told that you will always be there for them when they are ready to acknowledge you correctly, should they wish to get in touch with you, etc etc, that you’ve passed them cards, and received no response, etc. But then leave it at that.

    I’d really not explain you are going silent formally, let them wonder what happened to you. Take back control, dont give the ex the courtesy of telling her what you are doing either. Let them wonder! After that dont waste another moment of your time and energy on them who have shut you out, put that energy inward to heal yourself, your life, that is in your control. You have to love and respect yourself first in order to go forward and heal here now.

    I hope this helps and isnt too long winded!

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  Sue

  02/01/2010 at 12:15 pm

  Hi

  I found this quote:
  Never make someone your priority when they only make you their option.
  Never waste time on someone not willing to waste or share time with you.
  Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
  Albert Einstein

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  elleke

  02/01/2010 at 11:29 pm

  Oh, how I feel for you. If you are not sure what the motivation is behind your children’s behavior, it does not seem they would be willing to tell you since they only talk to you when they want money. I would think that despite the hurt it will cause you, the best answer is to let them alone. I read somewhere that the silent treatment is a “withdrawal of love,” but I think it is much more than that. It is a cowardly (passive-aggressive) way of aggression over others. As long as the person inflicting the silent treatment thinks it is working, they will continue the behavior. If you leave your inflictors alone and no longer deal with them (unless you still have to pay child support on the younger ones), you can deal with your hurt without even hoping for their input. This is the hardest thing you will ever do and you may never get over loving them. You and your well being are just as important as their pettiness. They get more out of inflicting pain than they do out of mature behavior.
  I guess I would say that by letting them go you are taking control of the situation. (I might suggest that a date in court with documented proof of their behavior to alter the child support agreement might make a difference in your financial outlook, if not your emotional state. I don’t know if it is too much to hope for that this would get your children thinking about their behavior. Possibly they would look at is as vindictive on your part, not an unexpected view point. At least protect yourself. And DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.)

  When asked why people did the things they do, Dr. Phil said, “because they can.”

  (My sister used to practice this method of dealing with others. She told me it drove them “nuts.” She was right. I asked her if she wanted the problem solved or if she wanted others nuts. Since I have asked her that I cannot think of an instance where she has done it again.)

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  Debra

  02/03/2010 at 8:46 pm

  Does anyone find it gets easier and easier to ignore someone who makes it their life’s goal to ignore you and others? The squeaky wheel gets the oil, and silence and no attempt to communicate yields. When you don’t attempt to communicate or relate with others, you get your way. They ignore and forget you. Talk about biting off your nose to spite your face. It really is a sick stupid game that I don’t get because I happen to like people and I like engaging in my world. Even if someone has a beef with me, I prefer they tell me so than to sit and stew. How stupid.

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  Sue

  02/03/2010 at 9:23 pm

  Welcome Richard, sorry to hear you’ve been through such a tough time. I suggest make the child support payments you have to by standing order. Document what is needed as mentioned by Elleke above, and maybe get a formal legal letter/message documented and passed to your kids.

  For the silent treatment, each time you seek to make contact, it gives them a chance to reject you. Take back control by totally dropping contact with them – all contact. Sadly make a decision to not contact them at all. If when the kids grow up properly and they seek you out, then do all those birthday things, etc, but until they treat you like you exist dont play that game.

  Then take back control of your life; as Debra said on an earlier post:
  “No matter how bad you feel, Get up, Dress up and Show up.
  Don’t lay in bed dwelling on this.”
  & What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

  And….. you need to focus on you, heal yourself, be a bit more selfish, less nice to them who treat you like you dont exist, and fix, heal and get busy repairing your life. When you focus on that and start getting busy with that, you can start on the upward spiral.

  Do things that are in your control, and that is focussing on you.

  I wish you well.

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  Sue

  02/05/2010 at 12:50 am

  Message to Ken Savage website, just want to say this is a fab site, and literally a life-saver. Thank you for this service, it has saved my sanity from sharing views with others.

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  Sue

  02/05/2010 at 1:11 am

  All, Another book recommendation:
  “In Sheeps Clothing – understanding and dealing with manipulative people” by George K. Simon.

  It’s a very thin book! About 1cm, a bit hard to get going, but once you do has lots of insightful things to say. It’s aimed at work relations, parent child/family, personal relations, etc.

  Here are some key things to share to you all:
  “Selective inattention”/Silent treatment
  - “When a person is deliberately tuning you out, there is no point in wasting your breath.”
  - “When they stop resisting (fighting) and pay attention, you have a chance to be heard.”

  On how to become a better judge of character:
  Quoting from book: Anyone wanting to reliably avoid victimization needs to identify the people in their life with aggressive and covertly aggressive personality traits. i.e. to know “if it walks and talks like a duck, then it’s most probably a duck”.

  The manner by which they habitually interact with others defines aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities. So if you’re dealing with a person who always pushes to have their way, who always has to “win”, always wants the upper hand, won’t take “no” for an answer, etc., you can safely assume that you’re dealing with a predominantly aggressive personality. If you’re dealing with a person who rarely gives you a straight answer to a straight question, is always making excuses for doing hurtful things, tries to throw you on the defensive and get their way, you can assume you’re dealing with a person who, no matter what else he may be, is covertly aggressive.

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  Lolana

  02/06/2010 at 1:59 am

  I second Sue’s message to Ken Savage. I’m going to link it from my site now. It’s been a really helpful conversation.

  Now, if someone can tell me what to do about Citibank raising my interest rate to 30 per cent (after 10 years of paying on time and yes I do have a balance, not proud but I honor my debts) then I’ll be all set.

  Seriously, though, bank mafia aside, you gotta take care of your heart, and this site really has helped with that. Cause if you can’t take care of your heart, other things get messed up in the mix.

  to all ya’ll who are struggling with relationships with people who don’t reciprocate, the best thing to do is really to get away. I have tried literally everything else in my arsenal of things to do to handle conflict. If another person won’t acknowledge your reality and makes fun of you or tries to make you think you’re crazy, it’s just gotta be goodbye. No dialogue is possible with someone who can’t hear you.

  I like those quotes you listed too Sue, thanks

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  Debra

  02/06/2010 at 5:56 pm

  Wow, Sue, you are so on the mark! Your posts have been very helpful. I’m so glad to see others, too, gaining insight and sharing…we all know it’s so hard to let go of someone we care about, how when we’re in that awful state, we just don’t want to hear the truth…we’d rather get hurt. I know I did. Only with time, did I finally gain perspective and realize I was slowly killing myself and becoming a willing victim. My life may not be great right now, but there’s sanity and I’m happier even if I’m lonely.
  Sue, I like the book entries you give. Einstein’s definition of insanity…doing the same thing over and over and expecting diff. results…is right on target too.
  You all have helped me alot, thank you.
  I still feel lonely and I even replay my past relationship in my head, like if I had seen this early warning sign or that, or if I had only responded differently, maybe his psycho side never would have emerged…maybe that “nice guy” persona he presented would have ‘’stuck” .. NOT.
  It hurts to face the truth esp. when you think how hard it is to meet someone. We all want true love and no one wants to be lonely…but still…an abusive partner is not the way to go.
  Debbie

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  Sue

  02/06/2010 at 7:05 pm

  Thank you. Likewise, I want to thank you Debra, plus many of the other posters here, you have helped me a lot a few weeks back, especially the comments:
  “No matter how bad you feel, Get up, Dress up and Show up.
  Don’t lay in bed dwelling on this.”
  & What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

  It’s given me the kick up the backside to stop moping, stop in my misery, and to get going. So I’m done with the misery, and into the “self help phase”, so as I read any good books or comments I’ll post them here, if they are not you wont hear about it.

  Sharing most definitely helps, yes, even if you get the sense you are not alone, to rationalise some of these crazy behaviours from others and how they impact to us, and then trying to work out how best to deal with things to heal and move forward and move on.

  I’ve just read another book called “I can mend your broken heart” by Paul McKenna & Hugh Willbourn. Not sure if you know of Paul McKenna, he’s well known in the UK (which is where I am) as a hypnotherapist, therapist and a life coach. I’m normally a bit sceptical about these types of things, and in the book it has various techniques, e.g. tapping on about 10 pressure points in a sequence when thinking of your worst pain moment, and then by then end it reduces, etc.

  Me – I am very sceptical, but I did it and it worked! It reduced using a scale of 1-10 method, then it suggests repeating it to get a better result. So I did and it went from 10 to 0, no joke, I am shocked! It works by re-programming your brain for all the negative images, emotions/feelings, thoughts we have about the scenarios causing our pain. How to deal with them when they crop up or flash back at any point too, and bizarrely I actually feel it’s hugely helped, and is definitely working for me.

  Another is when you visualise your ex for anything, create a “whiteout” like a flash photo with the brightness on full to white out their face and the photo essentially. Or do the same if you see them with any new partner too, “white out” the picture from your mind. This is a very easy technique to do, and gets easier the more you do it. You realise how your mind thinks of the ex then too, and you are literally stopping yourself and re-programming your brain to “white out” the ex. It helps, as you need to focus on the future not the past.

  So I suggest you look into it Debra, it’s for repairing feelings after a broken personal relationship primarily, but I guess it could work for other situations but is not really aimed at that.

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  richard

  02/07/2010 at 7:23 am

  so, after 7 years, i have resolved to stop contacting after reading many of the posts here. cant say that i feel much…yea i feel sad of course…resigned…very strange in that i dont even feel that i know my own children..somehow though, seven years of calling with no answer, writing with no answer, seeing an invitation to my daughters wedding with no mention of me, no invites to graduations or bdays, no replies to emails, text msgs..whatever bonds i had, seem to be broken…i dont even know if i care anymore…i just hope i have enough left within myself to live a better life, to move forward and stop mourning the past and the present and the future that appears to be without my kids as well. i dont know if i do because the last 7yrs has really sucked the life out of me…it will be very hard to do a rocky balboa and make a come back…but im doing my best to focus on myself cause i need me, thats all i got now with no family left…so im eating healthier, working out, trying to get in better shape, concentrate on going back to school, business and thinking about something other than my children. thank you for your comments and care. it is meaningful because i did not realize that there are other people experiencing the same from their families.

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  Sue

  02/07/2010 at 5:54 pm

  Hi Richard,

  Yes that is good to hear and ues 100% focus on you, and start over to rebuild you. Put all the stuff about your kids in a box in the back of your head. Rebuild your life, but this time you will be stronger and wiser. When you get yourself going and together, in the future, you never know they may get curious and look you up (but dont hold hope of this). The best thing I suggest, is get busy with things in your control, i.e. your life, forget them all, and if they show up then deal with it then, in the meantime rebuild and grow to be a better and wiser person.

  At least within you, you know you’ve done the right thing. Put your efforts towards those things you have control over, then your efforts will be rewarded.

  All the best, and keep posting the up dates on your progress or any queries, we’re cheering you on, and understand what you have been through.

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