The Silent Treatment – What You Are Saying By Not Saying Anything At All
Probably at one time or another you have been either on the giving or receiving end of a silent treatment, otherwise known as the cold shoulder. What you probably didn’t realize is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. Do you know what the anterior cingulate cortex does?
The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them. This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child feels ostracized, therefore is feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted on them, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again.
The silent treatment can be a very destructive behavior when it involves personal relationships. Let’s say with a husband and wife for instance. The silent treatment breeds bitterness on both ends and it borders on emotional abuse… I’m not making that up to be dramatic. That’s what “they” say.
Cooling Off And Ostracizing Are Two Very Different Things
Let’s not confuse the silent treatment with something known as “the cooling off period”. The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state need time to calm down before they begin to speak to this person. That’s fine and actually that’s probably better than sitting and screaming at each other.
There is a big difference between taking some time to cool down and outright ignoring the existence of the other person. The silent treatment would be more along the lines of you doing something that pisses someone off, they clue you in on it (or not), and then they don’t speak to you, acknowledge you or even make eye contact with you for sometimes days. No good.
To me, this is a form of torture. Nothing positive comes from this type of behavior. What makes more sense…blowing up about something, cooling off a little and then talking about how to resolve it OR not blowing up about something, staying completely pissed and not doing anything to help resolve the situation? If you said the latter… you’re a dick.
When someone is administering the silent treatment they are trying to show that they are dominant over you. The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a power struggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less.
When You Are On The Receiving End Of The Silent Treatment
It’s interesting to me that research has shown that woman and men respond to the silent treatment very differently. Woman who are on the receiving end of the silent treatment seem to try anything in their power to win back their good grace with the ostracize where men…don’t. They just deal with it.
But what exactly are the men just dealing with and the woman trying to avoid? The emotional pain associated with being ostracized. Those who have been treated to the silent treatment have reported as sense of loss, of not belonging, of lower self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness. All of these feelings are the result of someone just not acknowledging them or ignoring them. I find that pretty interesting.
I can say that I honestly don’t ever remember giving someone the silent treatment…not anyone that it would matter to anyway. I don’t think I have it in me to do that to someone. Why you ask? Because I’ve had it done to me, I know what it feels like and it totally sucks. I’m more the type of person that would like to blow up about something, probably say some things I don’t really mean, apologize for saying the things I don’t really mean and then move towards resolution. But hey…that’s just me.
silent treatment (19360) the silent treatment (5318) silent treatment in relationships (1800) silent treatment abuse (1741) emotional abuse silent treatment (715) silent treatment in marriage (608) how to deal with the silent treatment (473) the silent treatment abuse (385) silence treatment (345) passive aggressive silent treatment (333) how to deal with silent treatment (330) silent treatment emotional abuse (325) dealing with the silent treatment (303) what is the silent treatment (288) the silent treatment in relationships (276) silent treatment marriage (260) silent treatment at work (258) silent treatment relationships (257) does the silent treatment work (257) dealing with silent treatment (234)
Michael, I don’t know why you would think that just because you are a guy that your viewpoint is invalid here. I must admit I was surprised to discover there are so many men who practice the silent treatment, but I believe there are many more women who do it. If men wanted to “vent” this blog would be the perfect place. I suspect that many men just don’t share their frustration.
I think you may be a little naive if you think “no, I’m not stopping until you understand, and not take the easy way out and run away” will make a difference to most pattern silent treaters.
I did not back down. I too believed that if I made myself understood that the situation would be mended. (It did not matter what the issue was if he did not want to deal with anything.) In fact I was continually trying “to continue until he understood.” I don’t think I had a wall up to his communication if there was to be any. I tried really hard to understand. Even after I had many insights into his behavior, it made no difference in the situation. (He was an orphan, with an abusive stepfather and passive mother and 11 siblings. He got lost emotionally in the family dynamic.)
No matter how hard I tried to continue the conversation, it got nowhere. In fact it made his passive-aggressive tendencies worse. When he finally would say somethine, he blamed me over and over again because I would just not shut up or said that my talking was making a problem where there was none or told me I was hysterical or overreacting. Ultimately, anything that was done regarding our problems was done by me alone because he was just not going to “move.”
To be fair, there were about 3 instances over a period of 20 years when he did communicate and it made a huge difference in how we dealt with not only each other but others in our lives.
When, after a counseling session or two, he realized that cutting me off and going into the other room was not acceptable behavior, he would sit in a chair and let me “communicate,” still not saying anything in the way of good face-to-face interchange to deal with whatever situation we had. Then he could go back and tell the counselor that he had listened and responded. He would then tell the counselor that I was interfering with his parenting, his work or his sanity.
The reality was that he was still giving the silent treatment, but in person, rather than by going in his room to sulk. There was no one going to change his way of dealing with the world. (I think he had dug in his heels so far by this time that if he had really engaged with me he would have felt he was weak.)
We finally stopped going to counseling together. He did not like being put on the spot by the therapist and was mean to the children and me after each session. So when he said the therapist was not fixing him and that he was not going any more, I did not force the issue. It became clear that the end of the marriage was near.
I have discovered that the point of the silent treatment is to exert power over someone.
Sometimes it is necessary for our sanity to treat others this way, i.e., they are stalking you, hurting you, undermining you.
(Twice in my life I have had to turn my back on my birth family because they would not respect me and were blatant, even to the point of hitting me when I was over 30 years old. I tried hard to communicate with them regarding their offensive behavior and all I got was the same old, same old, how what I was doing was the problem; I was hurting them and my siblings. Even when my mother tearfully came to make up, she never really understood my viewpoint but consequently she was more respectful to me because she knew I would not tolerate otherwise. It hurt me to treat others this way. The pattern silent treaters do not hurt when they blank someone out. They revel in the hurt they are causing and that makes the difference between the maturity of the receiver and the immaturity of the giver of the silent treatment.)
If this childish behavior is a pervasive part of someone’s personality, then the only answer I can see is to protect oneself from them. They have no right to trample on your selfhood.
If your solution of just keeping at the communication is working, then I applaud you. Your effectiveness is to be commended. I wish it had worked for me. Perhaps you could help by detailing the steps you took to get listened to. I would appreciate it.
I can indentify with so much thats been said on the posts above.
I’ve been married for just over 9 years, I thought he was my Prince Charming, such a gentleman.
I think I stayed with him for so long because you feel like such a failure to admit Divorce is for the best. In many arguments I would mention Divorce to try and get him to make me feel loved and that he couldn’t bear to be without me but he would just say I can’t stop you if thats what you want and to get him to say thats not what he wanted I would have to try and pull the words from him.
After the 1st year of marriage I knew I made a mistake and he was not the man he portrayed himself to be but I tried my best. After we were married then he tells me he doesn’t have a big sex drive and would NEVER initiate sex which would make me feel unwanted, and we could only have sex in the morning because in the evening he didn’t like to have sex. I didn’t want a sex machine but sex even once a week would have been nice!
He was so romantic when we first got together, and after that 1st year I was lucky to get any hint of romance, and even though to this day I still tell him I need a bit of romance and I need him to show me how much he loves me, his answer is well I work too many hours for romance I wish I had time. I said even a romantic text telling me I’m beautiful would be nice, but he’s too busy making me feel a worthless piece of garbage. He finds time to send a million and one texts to his friends in his day though.
If we get in an argument its always “your pushing my buttons”, “I need to relax in my time off of work and your not letting me relax”, he will make sure he has his say and then if I try to respond he gets into a rage and tells me to Shut up and drop it NOW, calls me names, breaks stuff or threatens to break stuff and in the past he has shoved, thrown stuff at me, slapped me once or twice. I never raise my voice at him.
He says I need to just drop it when he says to drop it and I ask well how do we resolve the argument if you won’t discuss it, and he says well he needs to cooldown. But even if I try to bring it up days later after he has “calmed down”, he won’t discuss it and says I’m trying to start a fight. Its sooooo frustrating! The silent treatment as well has been a useful technique he employs.
He knows its what I hate the most and in the past he would storm off for days and not answer text messeges, phonecalls etc…even if I had an emergency come up. He’s British and I moved to England and never made any friends so I am isolated enough and he knows to isolate me from him drives me crazy and I used to cry and not sleep and just comfort eat. I ask him how he can ignore me like that when I am all alone in this country and he blames me for any argument.
He actually forgets what he has said or the reasons for it, and somehow in his mind he is always right! He even forgot the fact that he shoved me to the ground once and I injured my knee and had to have surgery, I had to beg him to take me to the hospital and he put me down in front of people the whole time because I made him wait. He said he thought I was lying about my injury but I NEVER lie to him. We got in an argument a few months ago and I brought it up and he said I was making things up about him because he completely had himself convinced I just fell and injured myself.
I don’t understand why I have put up with the emotional abuse, physical abuse and just mind games for so long.
He is currently giving me the silent treatment which he loves to do, just a text messege to do with work stuff, and I know he won’t call me, he waits for me to come crawling to him and begging for attention but I guess I have just stopped caring. I slept fine the last 2 nights, I realized I need to get bills paid off, money saved and leave ASAP! If we didn’t have so many pets I would have been gone LONG ago. I’ve said that before but I realize I have gained over 100 pounds since moving here, Im depressed, I haven’t felt loved for a long time, now he uses my weight as an excuse for us not having sex and we haven’t had sex for years though when I say if he doesn’t find me attractive lets go our seperate ways and he manages to make me feel bad because how could I just throw away our marriage so easily as he says sex isn’t important.
Though after one bad argument he posted on a sex website saying he was looking for sex basically because we never have sex(though its his choice) He was even emailing back and forth to some women, and posting pictures online, and yet when I confronted him about it, he blamed me for starting the argument supposedly and he said he thought we were over though it was news to me because after days of the silent treatment after the argument he finally answered my calls and we said we would work it out and for months after he never mentioned to me it was over.
He has made me feel everything is always my fault, I cause him to give me the silent treatment, I cause every argument, I cause him to break stuff, I cause him to shove me or hurt me. I can’t do it anymore. I made enough excuses in the past, and I know once I actually say the Divorce words, him and his family will just blame me all over again. He will never see what an abusive person he is. I am just thankful for my fertility problems as we don’t have kids.
I’m not going to give in this time to his silent treatment, I hope it lasts for months so he can see I just do not care anymore and he has no more control over me! Maybe some arguments were my fault but not all of them and I certainly have never treated him with the silent treatment or physical/mental abuse. I’m looking forward to a future without him in it!
dear angela,
i read your post dated july 27, 2010 at http://www.kensavage.com re silent treatment. everything that you narrated, its all happening to me now. i feel like i was the one who wrote your story.
i know that we do not know each other and we live millions of miles apart. but please be an angel and help me deal with my crisis.
you see, my family and friends have been coaching me to take legal action for all his abuses. but i cant seem to make a decision. i told them that they cant possibly understand what im going through because they have never been in my place. i told them its easy for them to ask me to leave him because they have not experienced “true love”. aside from that, i am afraid to leave him because i forgot how it is to be alone. also, i was a top-level manager before he asked me to be a full-time housewife but now, i cannot seem to picture my life without him. i dont know how to start my life over, be emotionally strong and be financially sound again. i feel like it is a more christianly choice if i just forgive, move back with him and try to work out our marriage for the 4th time. but am also scared that maybe its not the wise choice.
pls tell me what you did angela. what did you do? were u able to actually leave him? when did the pain stop? when did you stop checking your email to see if he sent a note? when did you finally get to say that you are economically independent once again? do you regret leaving?
pls email me as soon as possibly. i am a total wreck.
ms_libya@yahoo.com
Hi Angela and whomever else may stumble upon this. What you are describing sounds a lot like narcissism personality disorder…to a tee. Once you know what you’re dealing with,you will never look at him the same way again and you can start the process of healing and moving on.
In fact, anyone in a relationship who is constantly on the receiving end of the silent treatment need to read up on NPD and see if your partner matches the other traits. if so, the silent treatment is the least of your problem. It’s only one symptom of a larger problem.
Yes, we know … we have been there. While you are preparing to leave, you need to know that you are not alone … and that his power comes from you. So, to help you reclaim your power, read as much as you can.
No one I know married, intending to divorce. My husband would always say, “divorce is not an option”. But take a look at the wedding vows and realize that the contract that was stated is not being honored, nor was it ever his intention.
The following link is someone’s blog, not an official psychiatric site. But it’s a good composite of information. Read it. Read everything you can.
http://qow1.blogspot.com/
I remember seeing the movie “Sleeping With The Enemy” with Julia Roberts, while vacationing with my in-laws. I was so uncomfortable, feeling like I was being exposed, but they had no idea, no idea. It’s terrifying to realize that you were not a victim as much as a target … and that the only way to save yourself is to abandon everything you ever knew. Just remember: everything you knew was a facade, it was not real. He is not real. He is an image that he’s created so no one will know how empty he is inside. IF HE WANTED HELP, he could change, but he is convinced that he is superior to everyone and will not seek it. Once you go, he’ll carry on like nothing every happened.
If you can afford counseling, get it. You need help.
Best wishes
My dear Angela
I know what you are going through, its very difficult to break off with some one u once considered the most important person of your life. I am going exactly through this,I am in long distance relationship. and my lover does has been giving silent treatment for over 4 years but i put up with it thinking that he loves me.
Even though we are in living distance relationship, he never picks up, making excuses that I am not into phone stuff, no matter how many times I say please I feel lonely , I am alone, over and over again he doesnt care, coz he is very secure about me coz I never gave him the chance of being insecure, I use to get scare when he use to be silent thinking that he will leave me, but such people neither leave you they just play games coz those who want to leave they leave once……..
These are mind games which men play to assert their dominance coz naturally they want to just dominate , best way that I have now realise is to leave such kind of men….just leave them, loss is theirs coz they are deficient , fault is with them not with us we atleast have put up with them for years who else is going to put up with such kind of men….
So my dear dont put up with him, its only when u go far he will realise ur worth, I know going far sounds very tough, I am myself dealing with it but once it starts effecting ur health, mentally and physically and effects ur confidence get out!! life is more imp than such people and sometimes to teach them their worth its imp to get out , and dont tell him I am breaking off……….. just silently leave, let him figure out own his on and introspect what he did coz if u tell him he will never understand leave but silently
venom is the best antidote for another venom
silent for silent!!!!
Angela, your story is an echo of my marriage. Yes, you may have caused some arguments, but with a partner who doles out the silent treatment, it is hard to know what your own liability is. So, don’t blame yourself. When you get out of the marriage and begin to heal, then you can examine this. It will be hard because these “silent treatment” individuals are not normal and you will be examinining abnormal “norms.” Try to remember when you trusted yourself where others are concerns.
Bless you.
This is a very interesting thread. I came upon it quite innocently but speaks to a situation to which I am going through. Today is my 61st Birthday. I have heard nothing from my son or daughter and it is now bedtime. I have spent the entire day alone. My son lives on the West Coast, my daughter around the corner. I haven’t seen my son in 19 months. Recently their uncle, their father’s brother passed away. My former husband also lives on the West Coast. My daughter made it a point to let me know that both her father and brother were coming into the area for the impending death. I gave my condolences to my daughter and said how excited I was that I would see my son. She immediately informed me that he would be going into another area of the State (250 miles from me) and he would not be seeing me. I offered to drive to where he was going to be but she refused to give me any information on his travel plans. I heard nothing from my son. My former husband and myself do not have any type of relationship so speaking with him is never an option. My daughter immediately stopped speaking with me, stating that I did not have the gravity of the situation and implying that how dare I impose on their travel plans. I also found out, after the fact, that she drove the 250 miles to see them and never let me know. One week later my daughter, my son, my former husband and his new wife all got together for a cruise to Mexico. She can’t understand “why” I was upset at not having the opportunity to see my son. He has stopped all communicaiton with me as well. I honestly thought that I would hear from them for a Birthday wish, but I guess I was wrong. Even a text would have made me happy. This has been going on for two months. My daughter sends me an email stating that she will email me when she is ready to talk. I don’t feel I have done anything wrong. I can never get this Birthday back and it doesn’t have a “do over”.
I am so sorry Leslie for what you are going through. You need to separate yourself from this situation and remind yourself that you have been a good mother. You hurt because you love, and now you must learn to disperse the pain, even though it hurts. Learn to be f ree of it, and you can do that by knowing that everything in the universe is temporary it passes. focus on what you have control over…loving others…
i hope you recognize thelight that you are.
best,
sunshine
How do you know that she is a “good mother”? Don’t her children make that decision, not strangers on a blog? I usually avoid my mother as well. She likes to play victim when she speaks to others about our relationship, but she knows that she has yelled at and demeaned me all my life (though she’d never confess). When the daughter said she needed to be “ready to talk”, I immediately identified with her. She probably feels like her emotions and opinions are not valued by her mom, like she has to muster the courage it’s going to take to sit through a painful conversation during which she’ll have to endure being berated and talked down to. We don’t know for sure, but we do know that there is pain there, deeply held by the son and daughter.
Kali i agree….in my mothers mind she has loved, and I am sure that is true. But for my sanity and to have the strength to care for my children and not be pulled down by my mothers toxic behaviors and sicknesas … i painfully have had to quit talking to her and create healthy boundaries. To everyone else she explains herself a poor victim.
My alert system went off Leslie. You may love, but there is something causing the distance. Until you recognize, internalize, and deal with your imperfections and take the time to admit you are not perfect and may need help – - quit looking to blame your kids. I applaud your daughter for having the strength to stand up and tell you…if she wants her space, give it! look into Borderline Personality Syndrome and see if that defines you.
I hope that this applies and someone can give me some insight. My boyfriend broke up with me last Tuesday for the following reason: when I’m upset, I have a really hard time communicating it right away. Instead, I hold it all inside, and become quiet…I need time to cool off before I can talk about what it was that was bothering me. Well he told me over and over that he wanted me to just communicate, and I kept telling him it’s not easy for me, he needs to be patient…
I sent a few texts that same night (Tuesday) and an e-mail Wednesday morning, another text Saturday, and actually mailed an apology letter to his home. It’s Saturday, and it’s been over a week and no response from him…AT ALL.
Yet the funny thing…..Monday night (the night before he broke up with me last week), we were talking and got upset at one another, and I said “do you want to break up?” out of anger (which I didn’t mean of course) ….well he got upset that I said that and said that meant he was giving up and didn’t care….then the next day he did just that…gave up. I’m honestly confused…..and now almost at the two week mark – I’ve been getting the silent treatment.
I don’t know if he’s gotten my letter yet, so trying not to get upset and jump to conclusions…..yet, the issue at hand isn’t something to get THIS upset about and walk away.
I do love him, do care for him, and I know he feels the same………….and I feel in my heart that he’s upset………even though he said it’s over, his heart isn’t in it any longer, and he can’t do it anymore….but this behavior…….I don’t get it ………
Any insight?
it’s amazing to read all of this. I’ve had an emotionally abusive mother and a father who did nothing but adore his narcissistic wife. My sister and I grew up in a home where passive aggressive behavior and worse yet, being forced to ‘make up’ and ‘say sorry’ was the ‘norm’.
I met a terrific friend several years ago and as long as i was ‘submissive/adoring’ toward her, she was fabulous. These last two years have seen a change in our relationship. I am no longer the person I was and can no longer stomach being ‘nice’ anymore. After a rather serious conflict, my friend chose to do the ‘silent treatment’.It has been going on for the last three months now.At first, i thought it was thoroughly my fault – that i was so desperately ‘needy’ of her attention and that my need for validation had caused strain in our relationship. But I had no clue WHAT she was feeling because she refused to communicate citing in one brief moment of communication that that she was ‘busy’.
This past week, a shift occurred in me. I found myself moving from ‘loving’ this woman like a sister to ‘hating’ her and then quite frankly, to feeling NOTHING for her. I realized that WAITTAMINUTE. Why was I killing myself and suffering over something that she seemed to be masterminding? The minute I understood this, i wrote her and told her that I didn’t in fact need to ask her for HER forgiveness because she had indicated “nothing” so therefore I (in my world anyway) had done “nothing” to her to deserve this treatment. That was the perfect ‘logical’ conclusion to her ‘perfectly’ logical choice.
Furthermore, knowing that I had done “nothing” through her silent treatment allowed me to take back my power and tell her that my realization of this truth and her subsequent silent treatment was in fact ‘liberating’ to me. That shift in my own understanding of what was going on moved me from “victim” to fully actualized human being. I adore and love my friend however, it IS true that your body/mind knows what it needs and it WILL do what it needs to do to heal itself even if you aren’t at a point yet where you can consciously decide.
Today, i have been empowered to end our relationship & special friendship. And… i can now forgive and move on in my life.
I deserve better. I ‘matter’. And YOU do TOO! So believe in your inner voice/vision and PRAY. Pray that God gives you the grace to recognize the truth of who you are.
i Love love your post… It helped me so much.. my husband has been giving me that treatment ever since [for such simple mistakes].. I hate it.. but I have to live with it.. I guess..
My two half brothers also were affected in the same way I was. Both of them were ‘needy’ and attracted ‘silent abusers’ into their lives just like i had. My sister (half sister as well) turned into an abuser. Her husband tolerated it for more than 8 years but four months ago left my sister. I think that’s what precipitated my actions. One day, you just begin walking….and walking and …. walking until you begin to find a new strength; a new awareness. I”m 58 years old. It took me this long to listen to my ‘voice’. You will too Ruth. I guarantee it.
My heart goes out to everyone who has known the pain of the silent treatment. I was raised on it and a recipient well into my 40s until my father died. We never knew when it would happen or why and it was most always for very long periods of time; the longest being a year.
It was a hell on earth. I grew up beliveing it was my fault. I went to the school chapel every day. My only prayer was to be good so I wouldn’t be rejected.
To this day, even normal silence (like waiting for an email reply) can trigger that pain almost like a post traumatic stress. Emotion overides logic and I end up making a fool of myself trying to get someone to reply sooner than they are able to or ready. Then the pain is doubly worse. Just today I lost a friend because of my emotions.
To say the effects are deep seems an understatement yet a poor excuse for those who can’t understand.
Logically I know that the person giving the silent treatment had/has problems but emotionally it feels like I’m the one with them.
Today I feel like a bird with a broken wing. Thanks for listening.
Blessings for all.
Butterfly
hello butterfly,
don’t despair…
You would soon be bale to learn how to live with such emotion.
I admit, it really feels like hell to deal with silent treatment everyday… it increases madness and fear of not being wanted especially by the people we most care about.
The next time it happens, just remember that other people have issues too and that they need some time to think. Not everyone is accustomed to silent treatment as we are… some individuals just need more time.
we’d rather provide them the time than loose them right? put your mind on other things and free yourself of the stress.
Great advice Ruth. I’ve been involvd with a man who has to remove himself from certain emotions and I am the brunt of his silence. The last one was three months ago and lasted a month. So far this time it’s been a week. Will he come back? History says yes, but no way for me to know. I never contact him he always contacts me. We talk and all is well until the next time. It’s miserable, but he shuts down, changes his screen name, I never try to call him because he shuts his phone off and I’m not going to try to chase him all around a big city to find him. I knew he was an emotional mess when we met and I walked into this relationship eyes wide open, but knowing doesn’t make it easier. I still feel disgarded,empty, unloved etc. Why do I do it? I do it because I love him, over the time I’ve known him he has improved in many ways, he is worth the time, he and I share this very treatment as kids and he was never given the emotional tools to deal with his emotions or anyone else’s. I learned not to do it and he’s afraid not to use what he knows. I am tired of it I will admit and not sure if I’ll ever let go. I’m afraid at the age of fifty if I let him go I will forever be alone and I do truly love this man. I was married for twenty years in a lonley marriage before this. So, age has no boundaries on this treatment or misery. I am in therapy so I too have improved over time. A couple years ago I would have been fraught with anxiety attacks over this, not any more. I go to work, do my own thing and live life as best as I can. I’ll survive, we all will and should he be gone for good this time? I’ll survive this too, but it’s still miserable and scary. Peace to all.
hi there gina
Nice to hear from you
I feel good that you are feeling the time of your life right now…
how about your [ex]husband.. how is he doing? I hope all the best for you both… so sad though that it has to end this way… at the age of fifty, you both should be enjoying life and relaxing with whatever life has to offer together… sadly, the anxieties of life simply eat up the good relationships that we sometimes form…
.. honestly… with me and my husband.. falling apart is what I am most scared of. So to make sure that it does not happen.. I extend my patience all the way I can and get all the support I could from God in prayer.
… then whenever he does the silent treatment.. what I do is stop… and think of the fun things we did together.. I bring myself into a picture-diaspora that reminds me how good we are together when issues such as the “silent treatment” ain’t present.. then after that, I smile.. and I wait for the time when he would talk to me again. It usually takes two weeks before he gradually returns to normal.. during those two weeks, I do everything I can to remain busy.. never thinking of what is happening.. I keep busy with my work, I keep busy with my kid, I keep busy with everything I could. I never stop giving attention to him though.. I still cook food, and then ask him to dine with me and our child.. then if he does not want to then that’s fine.. at least I did my part
… when he finally gets tired of what he is doing to himself and me… he finally gives in and talks… 
these are the days when I say… “THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER 
”
Hi Ruth.I’ve been divorced for three and a half years now. I was married alone for twenty years and raised our daughter alone too. The ex wasn’t willing to participate in being married, in fact, he told me it was enough to know we were in the house at the same time. He didn’t give me the silent treatment out of anger, he just preferred to be alone and I didn’t. After twenty years of it, I got out. We divorced when our daughter was eighteen. The silent treatment I get now is from a man who runs the second things get too close for him. He doesn’t know what to do so he says ugly thngs then cuts off all forms of communication. The latest complaint for him is I never just pop over, well I have tried to pop over, but he never answers his phone when I get there. He lives in a secure buliding so I have to call so he knows I’m there. He said too I never bring anything tot he table to which I replied I brought me. His answer to that was true BUT he does all the giving. I almost choked on my soda when I heard that. I had an answer for everything he tried to project on me and when he ran out of things to comaplin about, he said he had to go. So I let him go. Again. We went through this three months ago over my job and that silence lasted a month. The past three months have been wonderful and he always self sabotages because he’s afraid of getting hurt. He prefers to do the hurting before someone can do it to him. He has a lot of baggage and I knew this from the get go and I tolerate his behavior because when things are going well they’re really good. I’m aware of the emotional abuse here, but I also know the traumas of his past. I’m tired of it, I am and should he come back this time I’ll most likely take him back, but the third time will not be a charm. It wasn’t easy divorcing, but I was ready to finally live. I haven’t worked out all the kinks in my life yet, but I am better off than I was. I am not happy being made out to be a vicitm of silence, but I also am not sitting around on my keester wallowing. I am heartbroken, but I go out, do my job as well as always and do my best to have a great day. I’m pretty sure he’s suffering too which give me some pleasure sadly, but I know I’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment. I love this man dearly, but I won’t allow him to make me feel dead inside. I cry of course here and there, but then I dry off and live my life. We’ll figure this out and in the meantime we can support one another and help others learn as well. Good luck to all of us!
Just want to update everyone here– I am getting divorced. My husband filed and that is a trauma on top of everything. He still messages me saying how unhappy he is, how he will never be happy, he’s depressed, etc. It’s hard to believe we’re at this place now. I pray he gets the help/happiness he needs and he one day can see that the silent treatment is debilitating. I pray he never does it to anyone else again.
Dear Ruth,
Thank you for your heartfelt reply. Thankfully, I didn’t lose my friend but it did put a strain on things and hopefully will heal in time. I wrote your advice on an index card to remind me to give (the gift of) time and put my mind on other things.
Dear Venus,
I am sorry about your situation. It seems the ones giving the silent treatment feel they are the only victims and it is hard to convince them otherwise. Sending caring hugs to you, Ruth, and everyone.
butterfly..
thanks a lot for the appreciation
you make me cry 
[don't worry these are tears of joy 
) having the chance to connect with people who understands my situation is a real gift I am treasuring right now...
Hi there Venus...
] hard… hope you’ll pass through these challenges in your life with better results than what has happened to my family…
SO sorry to hear about what has happened to you and your husband.. but I am hoping that it is not just the silent treatment that has brought you into this situation. I am a child of separated parents and I have seen how devastating it has been and how awful things are. It has been 17 years but the aches never stopped. My father never stopped loving my mom and has never recovered since.. and now.. as an only child who has my own family.. I am the one handling their problems and it is really really [and I mean really
hoping you the best Venus
hugs to you butterfly…
Ruth–which of your parents was the one who gave the silent treatment? Who filed for divorce?
The pending divorce is devastating for me and it is what it is. I hpe one day to meet someone who will be respectful of me and speak to me instead of shutting me out. To this day he still says that he only did it because I (fill in the blank with any excuse). Still not owning it, in my opinion. It’s sad and I hope one day he can realize how cruel it was.
Have you any further articles or information on this topic?
I did an internet search on the ‘silent treatment’ because that is what I am experiencing right now. I live with my BF and have been away from our home for a month because of family commitments not just mine but his family as well. We both traveled to this city together but he had to return due to his business/work. Everything has been fine between us other than the fact we miss each other that is until yesterday. We communicate often during the day, via email and phone calls but yesterday I spoke with him briefly in the a.m. and then it began, he quit taking my calls. And today, nothing he won’t take my calls. He has done this in the past and it is always the same, it makes me horribly anxious and considering that I am 3k miles away makes me wonder if he’s fallen ill. We didn’t have words or a misunderstanding it was totally out of the blue. How it was described in the article is exactly how I am feeling, a sense of loss, low self-worth, fear, anxious, and intense sadness. In my opinion it is cruel and controlling. Right now I am very very busy with lots of stress due to the family issues but now my thoughts are being directed to him and this stupidity. But the odd thing is I cannot get angry I am just so very upset. Not sure how to deal with this?
Hi Ponzu,
I always believe that distance creates issues between couples and the more the issues more the resistance to patch up things . I dont know whether u guys fought or not after which he stopped responding … but maybe he is upset abt the distance between you and there is frustation. Or maybe he is just busy with some work and u are unnecessary getting stressed . Is there anyone else who knows him and u could ask him / her?
HELL! he’s doing it again.. I did a simple mistake of washing the dishes before I went out and he treats me like hell again!!!!! I Want to SHOUT! I want to say I am done with this.. but I can’t… I have to stay.. I have to take care of our son… IT’s killing me… I do not know how this man could do this to me… he says he loves me, but as of now… I am not feeling any of that emotion he mentions… right now.. all I can think of is that he’s a fake and that he really do not care about the way I feel… I want to get over this.. its killing me… it’s killing me….
I into Day 42 of the silent treatment from my H of 33 years (plus 7 before marriage – 40). I’ve very close to filing for a divorce. I amaze myself at why I am still attached. Can someone give me insight as to why? FOG?
Hi Lane, I’m sorry you are being mistreated. You’re atatched for many reasons one of which I am sure is that you still love your husband in some ways. You’re still married because this is the life you have known for the past forty years, it’s scary to step away from your life as you’ve known it. That box we all have gets cozy and too familiar. You deserve better Lane, we all do and you’ll walk away when you know it’s time. When you’re tired of doing things alone, going to places alone, living with someone, but having no one to lean on and living alone essentially, when these things hit you that’s when you’ll leave. I was married for twenty years when I divorced. I was 47 years old, I do not have a college education and I moved from MI where I was born/raised/lived all those years to Maryland to live with my sister. I was tired of crying, of being alone with someone, raising our daughter alone (she’s now 22), doing it all alone and then one day I was fed up finally. I’m alone married and I’m far from old so why not just be alone for real? So I got a divorce. He cried I didn’t. He asked me why I wasn’t upset and I told him I’d been upset for twenty years, my tears are gone. Of course, now I’m involved with a man who’s an emotional wreck, his own words and he uses the silent treatment on occasion, but while I am consciously taking it from him I also know from where it comes so I tolerate it with this man. Fear is usually why we stay with abusers. We’re afraid to have no one and while being treated poorly at least we’re with someone. I have news for you YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN! It’s not easy and it’s scary as hell, BUT you will prevail! I hadn’t had a full time job in over twenty years when I divorced and only worked part-time now and then and like I said I have no college education. I work forty hours a week at a job I love, I live with my sister who has been a great support, I’ll be starting classes next month to help myself advance in my job,I went from a small town in MI to living outside of Washington D.C. a metropolis, I go to therapy once a week and while I have no money to speak of I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t regret my past, it’s pointless to do that and it’s made me the woman I am today. I have been divorced 3 1/2 years now and living in MD, I’m 50 years old and finally, FINALLY who I am now is who I was meant to be all along. I can’t begin to tell you how liberating this journey has been. Get out from under the rubble that’s keeping you down Lane. You deserve better! Once I was divorced I felt like I had been released from a prison if you will. My married was ok if you looked at it from outside, but I knew there was more to me and to life that I was being held back from. Whatever you do Lane do for you. You are worthy of a life filled with love, laughter and beauty and if your husband doesn’t think so? Then cut him loose and leave him to his misery. Get off the ride he’s taking you on and get a ticket on a ride that takes you to you. This is YOUR life after all Lane, YOU get to decide how it gets to be lived. Be well.
I am going through this and I did a search on silent treatment and came across this site and I am glad I did. I starting dating this guy for about 4 months, he rush me into everything. I am a single mom and he wanted to be a part of my life. I got a divorce 3 years ago from a emotional abusive husband and when I decided to date again, I ran into this torture. I knew he was not the one for me but I desperately wanted to be loved again. I started spending all my time with him, one day I asked him about a woman that commented on his facebook page and he went off that I don’t trust him, I told him that was not the case, I do. He never cheated on me, but he has insecurity of his height 5ft 11inches. He is the shortest man I dated but I did not have a problem with it. He told me he was married twice, first marriage lasted 4 months and the second lasted 9 months. he is a 42 years old man who can not stay in a long term relationship. He stopped calling me and will not return any of my text, VM or emails…It has been two weeks and I know he is never going to call because he is very selfish. I always told me how he loves me but now I do feel, he never did. I should have left when he told me about his marriages because that was a sign for heartbeat on my part. It hurts like hell, I am lonely and depressed and a lot of sleepless night. He is the first man my kids met since the separation/divorced from my ex husband. I am upset at myself, because I always kept my love life from my kids until I find the right one. I thought he was, but he was the devil from hell.
Lonelygirl,
Please stop thinking about men and start taking care of your children- as a guy I really have to say this, because when women start searching for men, they don’t find the right ones, but the ones, who see they are desperate and usually take advantage (few sexual favors, and you’re gone). Just be happy with your children, live your life and if it was meant, the right person would show up in your life.
Thanks Michael and Debbie.
I must add my support to what Michael said.
I knew my marriage was over 33 months ago. I moved out 2 years ago. I have been healing and growing. My relationships with my sons are better than ever (in fact, my relationship with their father has improved … he actually treats me with respect now). They’re older than your kids but, unlike a lot of people I know with sons in their twenties, mine talk to me about so many things.
None of this could have happened if I was focused on a relationship with another man.
I am just now really feeling *healed*, and it’s been nearly four years. I am open to the idea of a relationship but pragmatically, I can’t see that it could possibly happen for another few years. My sons really do come first, although (now) I sometimes put myself first. Not too often, though … old habits die hard.
Let your heart cry. It will do her good. Let your mind ramble, but don’t put too much stock in what it has to say. Try to observe yourself instead of directing yourself. Listen to your gut.
best wishes … create your peace
I feel quite energized reading some of these posts. I specifically relate to Venus. I have been married for 12 and a half years to a man who chronically gives me the silent treatment for days and weeks at a time. It is my second marriage, and I have two children from a previous marriage. The so-called “Silent Treatment” has been in my life from the second year of our relationship. I don’t know what will set him off. I only know that it will be my fault. It’s not predictable. What might set him off one day might not do it another day. But what is chronic is that I constantly walk on eggshells. He constantly tells me that if I hadn’t done “this” or “that” everything would be fine. My children, and most of my family and friends have “disappointed” him – and so he has cut them out of his life. And so, consequently, if they want to come and see me, they have to deal with a sullen, moody host – which makes everyone’s lives uncomfortable.
I feel sick with the drudgery of dealing with this man’s anger. I would say that I loved him (which I did desperately at the beginning) but his controlling, immature attitude is killing any love I had. The hardest part is that he can be the most empathetic, loving and decent man I’ve ever met – but only if he feels like it.
It’s so frustrating and painful!
That’s the same thing with me and my husband too,it’s so the same,though we’ve been married only 2 months. The most upsetting part is what after these 12 years or even more…will it be the same all along?
Jill,
I have been meaning to respond to you for awhile now. Just wrote you a huge post and accidentally deleted it! Ah! Reading your post is like reading a page from my diary. When someone blanks you, it is so cruel. When it’s the person who’s supposed to be closest to you and they do it with a pattern that is constant, it’s horrifying. My husband and I are now divorcing. He still doesn’t see how badly his silent treatment hurts me. He still says he only did it because I did “X.” (fill in the blank w/ whatever excuse you can think of). I never knew who would greet me at the door. In fact, my breathing would get harder when he would get home from work. What upset him one day wouldn’t the next day, just like your husband. I hope you find the strength within you for this. Cause it’s not easy, don’t let anyone tell you it is. I would like to recommned that you get counselling for yourself if you havent already–it’s something that helped me. In the end, the only thing that assuaged my constant migraines and crying was leaving him. I am still sad over the state of my marriage and its demise but it is still better than crying myself to sleep every night and being with someone who was so toxic and mean and didn’t speak to me. He still, to this day, doesn’ see waht the big deal was. Eight years later, I am watching us fade fade away but I know now that he is not willing to repair/do the things that must be done to fix us. So I have to let him go.
i’m giving my husband the silent treatment now,if we get into a disagreement when i talk to him he calls me a bitch and a cunt.one of our neighbors attacked him for calling her a fat bitch.the only way i know how to respond to that is the silent treatment.i don’t want to talk to someone that swears at me and calls me degrading names.
i am so sad about this.any suggestions how to deal with this,i do love him but don’t want him to think it’s ok to call me names it make me feel so bad.
Same here as everyone else. My husband & I are going on 14 years and he has given me silent treatment alot through our marriage I had no idea what was up with him so many weird behaviors has come from him and denial when he has said or done things, would hurt and drive me crazy. Whenever I try to talk about our marital problems, or now when I bring up Divorce because I see no other alternative at this point. He gives a disgusted look, not looking at me, as he leaves the room with me standing there bewildered. When I try to talk to him he either doesn’t answer even after several trys, he either just completely ignores me or will answer in such a low tone I can barely make out what he’s saying so I have to ask him to repeat it only to have him say “nothing, mind you he won’t look at me when I’m talking to him either but he demands my fullest undivided attention while he’s speaking and will yell at me to “JUST LISTEN!” if I try to say something, cutting me off’. He also has told me recently when trying to talk to him about a serious matter to just “Shut the F___ up!”, he’s also told me I’m a “F__ Zero!”, just so hurtful. Now I don’t cry like I use to, I’m all cryed out, just angry, exhausted and determined to move on. B he’ll talk to me about his job and always has had some crisis associated with it which he’s done for years, and expected me to give him the time of day whenever he wants to talk about it and for however long he wants to talk, which is usually long (he always has to go into very detailed info when he talks) But as soon as I mention how I’m feeling about us and our relationship problems I’m told I’m being negative and he clams up and walks out angrily. I feel like I’m constantly stuffing how I feel as he doesn’t want to talk about it or care about what I have to say much about anything. Then as soon as things blow over a bit it’s back to acting like nothing happened or nothing was said and no apologies’ either. He also does not want to even think of “Divorce” as an option since he’s been divorced several times and has told me in an angry undertone I won’t get nothing. But has told me he will not change nor will he go to therapy. So I’m at my wits end, although I feel I should give him a chance to talk about a divorce since we have a 12 year old and try to work some things out but it looks like I’m going to have to just go “DO it” without his input because he chooses not to be a participant in the actual marriage or in our relationship only when it benefits his needs, He usually works way past his reg 8 hours for another 8-11 hours even though he only gets paid for the 8, (workaholic no affairs just an affair trying to win everyones elses approval and respect of him). I’m so very tired of his behavior but I do feel bad for him because he’s being bullied at his job so now I’m in a dilemma I want to file for divorce but now he just told me about this and how it has attacked his core and started crying about it. On top of this he’s got family coming in to visit soon and just when I’ve worked up the courage to get to this point and now these things have come up.
Hey, you all!
I’ve just reаd almost everything you’ve written, so now i’m not sure who’s the “giver” of this silent treatment. This night i’ve been slaped,…after i slaped first, i’ve been tortured,after i was moody the day before,so now what? Here is a question: what to do when you don’t know who who is? I think i’m not justifying him ,because i’ve been in a silent treating family,so i see clearly, i guess, but really not so much to say if i’m the abuser or he is?
Thanks to all for reading this
P.s. sorry for the mistakes,i’m foreign
I identify so much with the posts. I am going through a silent treatment right now, today is Day 2. It usually lasts about 3-4 days so we will see. This time he was upset because no one was helping him clean his music room and I wasn’t cooking. Last week I got the silent treatment for a 2 hour car ride because I misunderstood his plans for that day, even though it was last minute and I told him of my already scheduled appts!!! When I asked why he isnt talking to me he says” I didn”t have anything to say” wow what a jerk. I tried not to show it but it physically hurt my heart. This week he called me crazy and ignored my question about garbage outside in front of my son. I was literally crying trying not to let my children see my pain. Reading these posts has helped me feel better, that he is trying to manipulate me, I understand cooling off for a few hours but after that deliberating ignoring someone is just plain mean spirited and verging on abusive.
Donna, it’s not “verging” on abusive– it IS abusive. When this kind of treatment becomes a “pattern” it is no longer just a “spat” issue. It’s okay to disagree with someone or be upset but when people use this to deal with you every day, denying you the basic human decency of SPEECH with them, it’s extremely emotionally abusive. I have been ther eand I know what it’s like. You feel dead inside, like a ghost, and wonder why the person you love the most is ignoring you and instead of choosing to speak to you calmly or treat you in a respectful manner, they just completely withdraw from you. Stonewalling someone consistently is not love. It’s abuse. Over & over again. My heart goes out to you. I was there for a very very long time. I felt numb so much.
I had no idea that this was a form of abuse! I have been enduring the silent treatment from the beginning of our relationship thinking that, at first, it was just difficult for him to open up as our relationship was new. Then we moved country (US to UK) so that was stressful and I chalked up the silent treatment to that. Then we were tight on money but needed to marry so I could work here (we were already engaged for about a year) so that caused problems… which turn slightly violent one day which resulted in an injury I will not discuss – though that was the only time it got physical with me. Then it was issues with my child from a previous relationship – it would get physical with him spanking too much etc) and no matter how many times I stepped in and said it MUST stop or I will take serious action, it never went away. Don’t get me wrong, I did NOT stand by and let my child get hurt! It wouldn’t happen for months and then there would be an instance- it lead me many times to threaten divorce, but ultimately I wouldn’t leave. Just talking about it makes me kick myself as in the meantime we have had a child of our own, but after 8 years of a rocky relationship I want out. I now know, really KNOW that he isn’t going to change and that there is potential for things to get worse, I just don’t know how to do it.
How do I leave both my children without fathers? How do I leave when I have no support or friends over here and no money to get back to the States? How do I support both my children if I’m alone? How to I up-heave our lives -which *seem* so fine- and throw everyone into chaos? I feel like I’m the problem when I put it all that way, perhaps that’s why I don’t leave.
I’m on day 2 of the silent treatment and feel like I could cry all day. Why on earth doesn’t he love me? I do everything I can think of that would make him happy – I do all the food shopping, all the cooking, take care of everything to do with the kids, do the cleaning -bar the vacuuming & dusting which he does when the mood strikes him- make all the plans for anything that we want to do, from going on holiday to getting new windows put in. I deal with all the difficult situations he can’t ‘deal’ with.
I know full well that I deserve to be loved, but I thought it was my husband who would love me the most. I really thought, after so many failed relationships, that this guy was different. I was in a good place when we met. I didn’t feel I needed anyone and certainly wasn’t looking. How did it all go so badly wrong? What could I possibly have done to push this relationship so far off track?
It’s felt good to vent – thanks for having this blog.
Good lord, here we go again! My guy, for the third time is silent over the same ridiculous issue. He DEMANDED I call sick into work Monday and clean his apt. He said he’s depressed, drinking all the time and he needs me. Please, I have heard this for a looooong time now. I’ve gone over to help him, but he doesn’t answer his phone to let me in (he lives in a secure building)then he says I was never there nor did I call. He said he’s tired of being nice. By the time my lunch hour rolled around he had called five times and left me messages. I’m not allowed to use my cell at work, I work in a child development center. Anyway, I call him and he asks to meet him during lunch which i did. He had bouquest of flowers for me and he apologized. Come Wednesday and Thursday he’s back to me not seeing to his needs. I’ve known him for four years and not once in that time have I ever asked him for a thing. NEVER. I asked him to tell me one thing/time I ever asked him for a thing and he admitted nothing. Just the other day he said he appreciated me and all I have done for him. I told him if he wants me gone then say so and I’m gone. I said that five times and got no response. So silence it is. I’m not upset this time, angry yes, but not worried or scared. I’m tired. I never know if he’ll come back or not, but I go on with my life. I send him things via mail all the time just for fun, I’ve helped him clean before, I have never turned my back on him, I support him emotionally etc. He always comes crawling back and I always take him back. I do love him, but this is old now. When he does this I have never made contact with him. No phone calls, no email, not going to his place etc. Nothing. He always comes back to me. He did say at one point of one of our conversations he didn’t know what to do, this situation is crazy. He’s crazy. He always changes his screen name too when he gets this way. He’s 51 and acts like one of my preschoolers. I’m just venting and I am irritated with myself because I have only myself to blame for putting up with him. One dy we’ll all be free!
Gina: I am free.
It took a lot of work and a lot of time, but I am ridiculously happy and content.
You just have to end it. That’s it. Stop with all the excuses.
We all grew up in different environments, religions, cultures … whatever … but I think most of us believe that relationships are hard work and worth the effort, and that we don’t want to be quitters.
But all that ONLY applies when the other party DEMONSTRATES the same values. Talk is cheap.
I did not have the luxury of severing my relationship with my husband. Not only do we have sons together but we moved to the northeast, where he is from, back in ’87. My family is all out west, where I am from. I am blessed in that his family is trying their damnedest to accommodate our impending divorce AND me, at holidays or whatever. I have it good. I know I do. I do not take it for granted. But don’t think for a minute that I did not struggle during those initial years of abandoning my insanity for good health and happiness.
Leave.
That’s it. You have to leave. No more negotiating.
I wrestled for a long time with forgiveness. I am an enabler anyway (alcoholic, drug-addicted mom with ADHD and Bi-polar … and a violent temper) with a religious background. But I finally learned that forgiveness does NOT mean trusting those that have proven untrustworthy. You can forgive people. You can acknowledge that they have problems greater than themselve that they have not figured out how to manage (my mom did not ask to be ADHD or bi-polarity, for heaven’s sake … and I know my husband did not ask to be a stealth sociopath). You can acknowledge your role, your responsibility, in the dysfunctional relationship and not ignorantly pin all the blame on him. But, in the end, you also have to know that you fought a good fight and it’s over. O.V.E.R.
You’re done.
Go on and STAY ALONE until you heal. How long? I don’t know. But I will tell you that January 9, 2011 will be four years since my epiphany. I thank God every day for the wonderful peace and contentment that I feel each day now. It’s been a helluva battle. My husband even treats me with respect now, but I am not foolish enough to believe that if I moved back into the house that we’d have a happily ever after. Nope. He’s not capable of respecting a woman that he has sex with, and sex (to me) is a really important part of a marriage. I don’t know when I’ll be in another relationship again … maybe never. But I know that I’m just entering the ready place. It took me this long and I am painfully objective. I always accepted half the blame.
You, too, can be free. But first, you have to leave the relationship … and never go back.
best wishes to you and to every seeker here
I am reading all of these stories and I feel like I have finally been vindicated! It is so easy to doubt yourself. I have been married for 21 years and I want to leave but I have a son graduating high school this year and a daughter two years after that. I keep telling myself I need to hang on until they graduate, then I can reclaim my life. I do get the silent treatment but mostly, he holds back any form of attention. He won’t call me when he is out of town for work until he knows I am going to bed, then he keeps the call very short.
He has no problem not having any kind of physical interaction for months. I try to talk about what I need and he manages to make me feel like slut. I thought being married was the way to avoid that. Boy was I wrong! Wanting sex is just as bad as being a sleezey hooker as far as he is concerned. My intelligent self says that this is not right, but my emotional mind wants to be loved and cherished. I finally have a great job and I can support myself and will be able to retire with plenty of benefits. I know I need to move on, but I will wait until my daughter has graduated. In the mean time, i will read more of these types of stories and I will re-affirm what I already know. I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. Life is too short to have a piece of deadweight around my neck, pulling me further down into the abyss! I have to learn to love me the way that I am and to strive for the peace and happiness I desire. Good luck to all of you!
Debbie – you are a light in a sea of darkness. You have no idea (actually you probably do) of the trap most of us find ourselves in – and of the panic we feel when thinking about leaving. That panic usually gives way to accommodation – because it’s so hard to think about leaving. Then… maybe… we might get a little tidbit of support – and we are so relieved!! – We don’t have to do this after all!! And so again, we put up and shut up – for me – after I was wooed and treated well – all of a sudden he’s bad mouthing marriage again (as in – he’s getting married? What a stupid idiot! He should probably hang himself. – or – so that woman has great boobs – as long as she’s on her knees she’ll be better off than her sister – who would probably do the world a favour by offing herself (read: she’s not attractive enough to live, because that’s all women are good for anyway) – which all pretty much makes me second guess everything about myself.
Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t normally be a person other people would think of as an idiot – and yet here I am.
I am sorry, Jill. I guess you haven’t seen my previous posts at this site. I definitely know how hard it is.
My divorce will not be final for some time, as we have other entanglements to resolve first. I suffered through 24 years of marriage before I even snapped out of denial. If you add up the silent treatments I endured, for months at a time, I suffered in his hostility for nearly five years. That’s a long time to sleep next to someone that treats you with utter contempt.
I will not rehash my story in this entry. Just know that I do know how hard it is.
It’s tough, but it’s doable. The key is to stay alone while you heal and grow. I have become a person that is still flexible and resilient, but I would never tolerate what I once accepted, in the name of love, forgiveness, and making it work.
I know men and women that go from one unhealthy relationship to the next, and never learn their lessons. Then, they have the nerve to complain that there’s no one decent out there. Well, hell! They’re a mess! What healthy person would be attracted to them?
So … even though your head and your heart are all betwixt and between and you don’t know which way is up, you do know which way is out. Run. You’re in a burning building and you don’t need to do anything but get the hell out. Breathe. Once you get outside, breathe the fresh air and just get ahold of yourself. Do not go off with some new, shiny guy into a new relationship. There’s time for that later, when you figure out your past and release it.
best wishes to all here
daisy – where did you go?
All valid questions.
The boys were 2 and 4 years old when my husband got angry at me for teasingly changing the channel while he watched basketball. He exploded and while trying to grab the clicker from me, he swept a large, heavy lamp onto my leg leaving a large bruise. Of course, that was not his intent … it was my fault … I should not have taken the clicker from him! Stupid girl! A week later, half way across the country with my sons visiting my parents, I told them what happened and showed them the bruise (the size of a grapefruit and every imaginable color). They told me I could stay … that they would support me in any decision I made. We discussed it numerous times during the last few days of our week long visit. I took the boys and we went back home.
It’s no surprise to me that I snapped out of my brainwashed trance when my youngest was half way through his senior year at highschool.
No one can tell you how to deal with this. It is a personal decision. But until you resolve the logistical details, you need emotional support. Start researching “sociopath” and learn everything you can. If you go back to the beginning of this thread and read, you will find references to other websites. One that comes to mind is ‘you are a target, not a victim’ … put that in your browser and get educated. It will open your mind. You’ll start breaking out of the insanity because you are a little crazy after all this time with him.
We know. We’ve been there. We’re all at different points on the path. Learn about “gaslighting” and “narcissistic personality disorder” and “stealth sociopaths”. Learn, learn, learn. Knowledge is power.
You may not be able to leave just yet but just like a co-alcoholic can learn ways to detach from the alcoholic, and develop protective measures for his/herself and the children … so can the target of any manipulative person. Learn about why you are a co-dependent personality. Learn about what frailties of yours made you susceptible to this man, even as great big red flags were waving at you.
You’re already in a better place than you were. Just don’t listen to your whining heart that wants you to believe your love will heal him. Only HE can heal him, and he does not believe there is anything wrong with him. Your intellect will tell you that you can outsmart him. Nope. Don’t even try. You’re not wired that way. All you can do is heal yourself and, one day, leave. But until that day, educate yourself … protect yourself and shield your children to the best of your ability.
best wishes
Hi Jill – I can only do this at work, not home, and only when time allows *sigh*. I can’t say again how happy I am to know that I’m not crazy and that others go through this!
The ‘silence’ ended on Saturday by him asking me ‘are you going to talk to me now?’ WHAT?! I almost fell over. I let him know it was him who wasn’t talking to me: I had sent him an email explaining how I felt re: the incident that lead up to the silent treatment, so it’s not like I hadn’t communicated. I even asked if he got the email to be sure he knew how I felt! He just walked away and said nothing else. He knows how affection (hugs and snuggles) can ‘warm’ me up so to speak, so later on Saturday he did just that. No sorry. No how do you feel. No conversation at all. Then he expected me to be fine. When I wasn’t he went and sulked again. I felt horrible. He didn’t touch me again until last thing at night not long before I was going to go to bed. It was really like he couldn’t understand why I was pulling away, he just kept getting closer and moving my face to kiss him. Finally, I used ‘the call of nature’ to get away from him, but when I got back to the living room it started all over again. I go to bed at the same time every night (he never comes at the same time as he says it’s too early) so I was able to use the show ending as another excuse to get away. I wasn’t as lucky on Sunday.
He just keeps coming up to me and putting his arms around me, but it’s SO different from when things are ‘ok’ – it’s… well… slimy, if that makes any sense. It’s just creepy and makes me *really* uncomfortable. If that’s not bad enough all day Sunday he did this and kept trying to kiss me and ‘making’ me kiss him – not in a violent way (I would move my head when he put his hand under my chin) but in a way as if to say ‘don’t resist, ’cause I won’t stop until you kiss me’. I’ve felt like crying all day.
I don’t understand where the man I fell in love with went or why he’s gone. I really do feel like I’ve done something to make him this way. Why on earth has this happened to me and WHY did I have a child with this man?! It is making it impossible to leave!
Debbie- thanks for referring me to the ‘you are a target, not a victim’ search! The best information ever, though I have to admit -even though it’s one of the hardest things I think I’ll ever do- that I’ve discovered I’m also being sexually abused. It’s in a way that when it comes to sex, only he is happy, only he gets satisfied, I HAVE to do what he wants or he isn’t turned on, no matter how uncomfortable I am (physically & mentally). I’m almost in tears (would be if I weren’t at work) about it. HOW did this happen? I really thought that he had problems and I was just being accommodating (in all areas of our life) by taking on more & more at home and working less & less. I thought I was just being nice when I started doing things that he ‘should’ do around the house (i.e. things we agreed he would do when we first moved here 7 years ago). It’s all almost too much for me and this is the only place I can talk about it! How on earth can I ever tell someone face to face what is happening to me? I’m so embarrassed and feel so stupid – why did I let this happen to me?
Daisy, part of not talking about it with people you know actually helps the abuse more, in a way. Once you can say it out loud to other people, you aren’t covering it up any longer. Make sense? Have you seen a counselor or therapist? I recommend that–it helps to get it off your chest with a third party if you aren’t into telling your close family/friends about it. You mentioned that this isn’t the man you first met–well you are right… it isn’t. These emotionally abusive men put on full charm from the beginning of a relationship and then later blindside you with their crazy behavior. It is classic abuser-style–present once face in the beginning and then the mask comes off later. The only one who can change the situation is you.
today i was feeling really depressed about alot of things, one being my bf giving me the silent treatment…but after reading this thread it really made me feel better!! I felt like i went to a therapist!
My bf and I have been together for a little bit over 1 year. we dont live together, and we are very busy with school and work. when we first started dating, he was the SWEETEST man i had ever known. whenever we had fights he would do anything to not lose me, if it was his fault ofcourse. through time, the tables turned around. when he knew how much i loved him and how much i wouldnt leave him, he started giving me the silent treatment. then i would do whatever it takes to talk to him. i compromised sooo much and become much more patient. but it seems that the more i did that the more he started to give me the silent treatment whenever something happens. even when i say something sooo simple, such as “how come u didnt call me today…”. i feel like he thinks he got me wrapped around his finger that i wont go anywhere. the only reason why i’m in it, it’s because i truly care and try to see over his ego, and stubborness. He blames me for EVERY fight, where i just end up appologizing just to avoid the fight. I hate fighting, and he claims that he does too. he thinks that i like to create something out of nothing. i can honestly say that i’m a very good girlfriend. but just like other girl, i want some love and affection from time to time. i understand that he’s a man that cant show his emotions, but sometimes it’s really hard for me to go on without hearing some sweet words or complements. after you compromise everything it’s sooo hard to get back to where you were in the first place. so now he’s been giving me the silent treatment over NOTHING. i tried to call and text but no reply. althoug i love him, and cant see myself without him…i really dont know how long i can do this. i have told him MANY times (when things are good) that it really hurts me when he gives me the silent treatment…and now that he’s doing it again, it makes me question the whole relationship. why would you cause the one you love so much such pain knowinggly?? althoug i had such high temper, and dont take crap from anyone, i could never do anything on purpose to hurt someone!!
So i concluded that i’m going to give him the same silent, and if he’s too stubborn to reach me and work things out, then he must not care to lose me. i think i deserve much more than that!!
Lisa – I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, I know how bad it feels. I think you would be doing the right thing to get out NOW before any joint commitments (like a house) or complications (like children) come into play and make it SOOOO much harder.
. Just to know that there are others out there taht can say ‘you know -I know JUST how you feel’ or even offer their advice if they can’t directly relate. It helps so much, in fact:
I know what you mean when you say read everything here made you feel better, me too
Today I told someone what was happening. It was my co-worker. She’s really lovely and we’ve spoken about our husbands before (she’s got a GREAT guy who loves her and a fab give & take relationship -the kind I wish I had) so she kinda knew things weren’t great for me. I do feel a bit better, though 9am hit and we had to stop as our boss came in (she’s in the office next door but can hear us). I now know that I’m not crazy to want more from a relationship, I’m normal. And while not everyone can find their ‘perfect’ relationship, getting the treatment we’re getting isn’t right and shouldn’t continue.
I -sadly- set my husband off again and he’s not talking AND he’s sulking. I made the mistake of asking him via an email to try and get a transfer to the US office (he worked there over the summer). He didn’t respond to my email and when he got home he said nothing to me. When I asked him what was wrong he (of course) said ‘nothing’. He sulked for the rest of the night. When later on I asked if he was going to respond to my email he said ‘We’re never moving back. I’m not going to embarrass myself by even asking about it.’ When I asked him what was so embarrassing he said that as they gave him a chance over the summer to take a job over there and he said no, he wouldn’t now say he’d changed his mind. We did have a chance, but there was NOTHING in place re: contracts, pay etc not to mention I would have to leave my job and the position would have only been for a year. I just can’t believe that I will never be near my family again.
I keep thinking that I really just need to see a lawyer and find out what kind of rights I have and if I can move country with our biological son as I have no support and can’t financially go it alone over here. Back home I have my parents who have space for my and the kids in their house so I can ‘lean’ on them at first so that I can find my feet in safety. *sigh* I’m just at a loss, how do I pay for a lawyer when he controls all the money? There really is just now way out right now.
WOW! I can’t believe how lucky I am! I’ve been reading this: http://www.joy2meu.com/emotional_abuse.html and can’t tell you how HELPFUL it is!!! At first I was a bit confused and then defensive, but once I got past my initial reaction I was so surprised. It tells you -if you’re similar to me, I guess that’s the key here- how to stop being codependent and set boundaries for your abuser that help you to stop the behaviour.
I really am surprised at how simple it can be: put your hand up and say ‘stop’, tell them that if they continue to ignore you you will (fill in the blank) and then do what you said!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read this, oops!! I should mention I found the link on http://www.youareatarget.com/skills.html Thanks to Debbie for suggesting I search – you are a godsend!
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that *in practice* it will be easy to leave the house when my husband gives me the silent treatment, but I am really hell bent on doing it now
I’ll post what the results are as I’m going to set a boundary tonight re: his latest silent treatment. Wish me luck!
Daisy – Thanks for the links. It’s been a few days since you posted. How did you plan for handling the silent treatment go?
It sounds too simple to be true, but it is.
About a year ago, I was at the house because husband, older son and I had to discuss older son’s poor choices and their fallout. Husband was on one couch; son and I on the other. About ten minutes in, husband started yelling. I calmly told him that he better lower his voice because we (son and I) would not listen to him otherwise. He lowered his voice. About ten minutes later, he took a really condescending tone and I told him that he better change to one more respectful because we (son and I) were not going to listen to him otherwise. About ten minutes later, he got really sarcastic and I stood up and said, “This conversation is over.” Son stood up and I hugged and kissed him goodbye. Son went upstairs and I went out the door. No, I am not a door slammer.
I tolerated all of that stuff from him since 1983! After my calm assertion that I would not tolerate it at that moment, and I left (you have to back your word; idle threats will totally undermine your ability to stand your ground with any kind of bully), he has not done it since.
Have I thought, “Gee … what could things have been like if I learned this sooner?” Of course, I have. Have I considered getting back with him? Absolutely not. I still love him … I guess I always will. But now I love myself. I protect myself. I treat myself with respect and walk away from those that are disrespectful.
Because I grew up with a bi-polar mom with a violent temper, I have no respect for bullies. I refuse to exhibit any behavior that resembles bullying. If you bully me, I will stand up to you. If you do not apologize for your intolerable behavior, I will have lost a considerable amount of respect for you. I know that. Husband knows it now, too. Hmmm … others, as well.
My husband is learning that if he wants my cooperation, he has to treat me in an acceptable manner. But, you see … it’s still all about him and what he wants. He has never apologized for Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde … the Mr Wonderful persona he shows the world and the hateful way he treated me behind closed doors … the months of hostile silence (adding up to nearly five years in the course of our first 23 years together) … the required sex if I ever wanted him to speak to me again … the horrible, hateful things he has said. Never. So … although I have learned how to make the best of a painful situation, I am in no way deluded to think that he will ever change. Nope. He’s a stealth sociopath.
But, at least I can manage our continued partnership as parents. I can go to family functions (Thanksgiving at his sister’s yesterday was very nice) and not suffer in agony. One day, I might even want and have a loving, healthy relationship with another man. Maybe. It’s so not necessary for me now.
Where ever you are in your relationship, know that you have the power to heal yourself and to keep on keepin’ on.
best wishes!
Just finished reading all your posts. I think it’s safe to assume that most of your partners are passive-aggressive. If you’re in doubt, do a web search for “Living With the Passive Aggressive Man” by Scott Wexler.
I was 47 when I met my husband. He was so charming, attentive, affectionate, would do anything for me. Red flags started popping up less than a month into the relationship, but my confidence was so low that I assumed I caused any problems that cropped up. By the time we moved in together, I realized this man has serious emotional issues. During a web search, I came across info on Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder…BINGO, I finally had a name for what I’d been dealing with.
I’m guessing many of you experience the wonderful side of your partner. My husband will cook, clean, feed the animals, go anywhere I want to go & loves to spend all his free time with me. BUT, he also runs so hot & cold I’m forever in a state of confusion. We can have an absolutely wonderful day, then I try to show him affection that night & he turns away. He can be happy one minute, then sullen & withdrawn the next, even though nothing happened. There’s no explanation, no apology & no concern about how I feel when he shuts down. If I question him, he says he’s tired. I’m often accused of making a big deal of everything. If I persist in trying to talk about this, then comes the silent treatment. The term I use is “freeze out.”
The freeze-outs last anywhere from a day to a week, sometimes more, depending on the severity of my “crime.” If I ask why he’s behaving this way, he always gives the same response, “What, I’m fine” – in a sarcastic tone of course. The freeze-outs don’t end until HE decides he wants to play nice again. As soon as he returns to Mr. Nice Guy, I’m expected to just flip a switch & act like the freeze-out never happened. And believe me, I learned a long time ago, if I resist getting back in the game with him, or comment on the freeze-out, the freeze-out resumes & the meter starts all over again.
We’re all intelligent people. I would love for someone to help me understand WHY we put up with this? It’s abuse! It’s inexcusable! Okay, so they have a legitimate personality disorder, stemming from something in their early history. But, they’re not stupid either so they must realize something’s “off.” They could seek help, but very few do. My husband flat-out refuses to go to counseling, even on his own.
It’s so difficult to break free from a partner who can be fun, helpful, considerate, charming, affectionate 90% of the time. But the 10% where he’s mean, silent, cold is excruciating, infuriating & humiliating. And the sad reality is, I would be very strapped financially on my own. At 54 yrs old, I really don’t want to have to work 2 jobs. Also, my health insurance is in his name & I can’t afford to buy my own.
I’ve been seeing a great therapist for awhile now. She’s told me in no uncertain terms that the only way to keep my sanity if I stay in this relationship is to emotionally detach from him. PA people aren’t capable of caring how their bad behavior makes us feel. When they’re sulking, they are NEVER replaying what they’ve done to us, feeling remorseful about hurting us. No, they’re thinking about what a pain in the rear end we are & how everything would be fine if we’d just leave them alone. I’m not sure they’re capable of feeling true love. They want it desperately, but they’re emotionally unequipped to accept & nurture a loving relationship.
I’m in the midst of a freeze-out this holiday weekend. My crime this time? I sat on my husband’s lap Wednesday evening & tried to rub his shoulders & give him a kiss. He practically recoiled, giving me a cold, blank look. I removed myself from his lap & retreated into my room in tears. Then I made the mistake of trying to discuss it with him, only to be told he has no idea what I’m talking about & that I have to make such a big deal of everything. Did he acknowledge my hurt feelings by giving me a comforting hug, or telling me he still finds me attractive? Of course not. While I was already feeling rejected & dismissed, he piled on the negativity, telling me I’ve wrecked the holiday weekend for him. Only a sick individual could turn down the affections of a good wife, then accuse her of wrecking things for HIM! Ironically, we were having a perfectly lovely evening before the lap incident. It’s just one of many examples of having the rug yanked out from under me for no reason I can think of.
Sorry to ramble, but it’s such a relief to find a group of women who know exactly what I’m talking about. How does everyone else handle the cold shoulder & accusing words?
Thanks, & good luck to all of you! Connie
I feel so relieved after reading this thread. I suffer the silent treatment at least once every two months. I have been in a gay relationship for 2 years and a half and I can see my experience reflected on most posts. He would decide not to talk to me over the tiniest things such as me mispronouncing a word(my first language is not English but Spanish); me using the wrong product to clean something; or me coming later from work …it’s maddening and completely unacceptable. I consider myself an inteligent person and his behaviour makes me feel stupid, as if my words didn’t deserve a reply. I told him today that I didn’t wish to carry on with our relationship and , of course, he is giving me the silent treatment. I was doing some online research on the reasons why I wanted out and I came across this thread. Thank you for all the posts, they have reassured me of the decision of leaving him. He might be a caring man when he wants to but love is something you work on and silent treatment is a destructive force.
Hi Pedro, I’ve not been on here for awhile, but read your msg and had to respond. You are so right about the silent treatment making it feel “as if my words didnt deserve a reply”, and yes they are caring, but only on their terms, and this power play with communication is controlling behaviour and sadly a very destructive force. Well done for having the clarity to recognise it and then act on it.
Just an update from me, I recently dated a new guy, and for the first time in ages it was very strange he was just straight with me, no mind games, or trying to understand what he meant, he just was simple, with no drama. So nice, normally. It was also interesting that I felt a bit odd, because there was no drama too, I wasnt used to that.
All the best.
You’re making the right decision. If someone makes you feel badly about yourself, then you don’t need to be with them. If someone puts you down over trivial things and won’t give you basic human decency and respect and conversation, then they are not the one for you. I wish you luck. It seems you have a good head on your shoulders. Never be with someone who won’t meet you halfway or treat you with mutual respect.
I find it interesting that this is considered a form of emotional abuse. It makes me feel kind of bad because I’m prone to giving people the silent treatment, but then again, not really.
I don’t think that the other person’s perspective is being taken into consideration here. I’m one who will give a person the silent treatment quickly, but it’s ALWAYS unintentional. Maybe some of the other people are the same way. I’m easily hurt, though most people would find that hard to believe.So, when I’m bothered by how I’ve been treated, I find it easier to just leave the person alone than to confront them. I’ll just gradually distane myself because I don’t like to hold on to things that make me miserable.
There’s someone that I’ve been ignoring for over two years. I cannot get myself to look at him because I feel betrayed by him. There is a lot of hurt on my end, and I know that he hasn’t changed at all. We run into each other quite often, and sometimes I wonder what he thinks. I feel kind of bad about how I behave. However, I continue to give him the silent treatment because it means exactly what it seems like, “I don’t want anything to do with you.”
My point here is that maybe some people ignore you to avoid confrontation. I don’t even do it intentionally. It just feels as though you’re slowly pushing me out of your life, and eventually, it is just classified as being “the silent treatment.”
I hope this post contributes something..
Yes, your post does make perfect sense to me, another person who dishes out the silent treatment (ST)Like you said, it’s easier than a confrontation. Besides, the so-called “victim” knows exactly what he/she has done to warrant the behavior in cases where the ST is solely what’s given. A lot of the previous posts involve actual physical abuse; many of them had a lot more than just the silent treatment about which to worry, and people should get out of relationships that involve name-calling or hitting/shoving/throwing things. But to compare someone who has difficulty expressing him/herself to someone who beats on his/her spouse only diminishes domestic violence.
I once heard from somebody that you need to let the wrong person go in order to find the right one.
Remember: it’s never too late to find the right person.
I can tell by the comments here that we’re all articulate and inteligent people, we deserve better.
Sue P I’m glad you’ve found the right one
I once heard from somebody that you need to let the wrong person go in order to find the right one.
Remember: it’s never too late to find the right person.
I can tell by the comments here that we’re all articulate and inteligent people, we deserve better.
Sue P I’m glad you’ve found the right person.
That’s a good bit of wisdom, Pedro. Thank you. But I implore all of you to stay alone for awhile. You have been through a life-altering experience and you need to heal. Not only that, but you need to get to know yourself. We all failed to protect ourselves. Why? I imagine the answers are as varied as we are, but one thing is for certain: we were cripplingly empathetic. We feel other people’s pain so strongly that we dismissed our own. So, feel those feelings … get to know them and then release them.
Pedro is right–the longer you’re with the wrong person, you will never find the right one. And being on your own is way better than being with an emotional vampire.
Debbie, about empathy. I think the difference between us and these stonewallers is that we actually have the capacity/ability to empathize. I think it says a great deal about our character –that we are healthy people. When someone doesn’t have the ability or empathize (or just plain won’t), it speaks volumes about them. I know now that someone who won’t empathize or even care to is not someone I ever want to be with again. I wouldn’t say I am “crippingly” empathetic but I do feel for people and always try to see things from their perspective. When somenoe can’t do that for me, there is no room for them in my life.
by the way..
I don’t know if I come off as being heartless with my statements after rereading my post. I was making a very similar statement as you all, but in a different way. If you aren’t being treated the way you feel you deserve to be treated, don’t deal. I wasn’t losing as much since we didn’t know each other very long and not married. However, his behavior was much different, he was the manipulative type. If I had confronted him instead of giving him the “silent treatment,” he would’ve only convinced me that my feelings were wrong. He had a way of always making himself appear innocent, and I think that’s another form of emotional abuse. One doesn’t really know how to handle a situation like that, other than letting go.
Family was frustrated with me and initiated a “break”. However, that break has turned into the most vicious silent treatment. It is the most painful experience of my life. They have not even reciprocated a wish for a happy thanksgiving. I have begged for them to communicate with me. I cry every day. These are the people who are supposed to love me. I know I love them. Very much. But, this silence does not feel like love. It feels like torture. It’s awful. It makes me feel worthless, unwanted and unloved. The thing is, I did not actually do anything to them. The thing that is frustrating them is something they PROMISED to get me help for, for over two years, something I cannot do on my own. But, they did not follow through. How do I get them to realize how deeply they are hurting me?
Connie & Forum,
I have to say your post truly hit home with me. If I didn’t no any better I would swear that you and I were married to the same man. My husband just turned 50 this year, we have an 11year itch between the two of us and for the longest I just throught that this was the way of an older man boy talking about nieve. And I thought this way until my husband left me for the 3rd time . Always around the same time of year Late/ end of October and returning usually around January. Let me go back if I may when My husband and I started dated he would get upset on a regular and would leave my apartment and commute to going back to his own and then would withdraw from me from 3 days to two weeks and If “I” didn’t call or try to patch things up he sure as would not either. Then I thought ok maybe this is just the way he is stubburn and all men are different I didnt know what to believe total confusion all I knew is I didn’t understand any of this because I had never had anyone treat me in such a way in my life, ever. so I didn’t know what to make of this behavior at all. I would think in my mind maybe it was the way I said things or did things, but for the most part Im a fun and loving person I like to always be in harmony so everytime my husband would do this to me it would me tailgating to him to reconcile and try to put things back in order for whatever the reason may or may not have been that day or time (pick one) just like you Connie, my husband would be have this sly attitude nothings wrong with me, I’m fine and continue on (same words as your husband) as if nothing was really wrong, and that puzzled me and bothered my spirits deeply. My husband and I had been together 5 years married for almost 2 years so I knew when somthing was wrong just never new what or the serveraty of it. But this past Oct 2010 my husband and I got into an argument over a humidifier because I wanted to continue to run it and he did not(go figure this one)so this time I refused to bag down because I reached my boiling point with him acting on impulse he yells Im leaving pulled his ring off and moved out, when I asked him (hubby) why are you leaving he says because I dont want to be here anymore and continue to pack his things up and move out of the house. However this time I said I refuse to be a victim, I refuse to sit and sob i refuse to feel sorry bad and ask why and so i began t pray, pray hard i started questioning God and asking God to please reveal to me what is happening and help me to find peace with my husband doing this and treating me this way for a third time, once being before we got married and twice in the almost 2 years that we been married, I got on line and just started goggling all my husbands actions the way he would act towards me , because deep down in my heart I was starting to come to terms with this is not normal behavior, of people how can my husband tell me he loves me, would do anything for me and vice versa, go out have good times together, help me, said he loved me wanted our marriage to work, but would flat out refuse counseling walk out and not try to repair it, We went once and when the counselor asked him is it that “easy for you to just up and leave your wife” he was put in the hot seat and would not go back anymore and when I would bring it up it was always one excuse after another and that is when I began to see my marriage going down hill right before my very eyes It got so bad with my husband that I would go to bed and he would not come to bed until 2 or 3 am in the morning and then would get back up at 5:30am to get ready for work, leave go to work wouldn’t say bye or nothing else come back 9 hours later and would go straight to the lower level of our home to avoid me and my son I mean it was right down dreadful as well as hurtful and humiliating, talking about the feeling of despise I felt that he right down didn’t like me at all and by his watch he saw nothing wrong and he would go on with this behavior until he got tired but then he would go to work and show his co-workers a whole nother side to this day I don’t believe that they know he acts in such a fashion a true Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hide and this behavior to him was totally normal for him and either I accept it or leave it. And one time he told me something to the affect that if our marriage doesn’t make it because of his nasty attitude than it just doesn’t make it. I knew then that this was truly the beginning to the end. And sure enough it was. I asked god when he my husband walked out on me this third time around to reveal what was happening to me and I come across this sight here and boy was I amazed. I thought it was me I thought that maybe I said something in the midst of trying to defend myself, until I found out that my husband like so many others has an illness. But in his mind he swears nothing is wrong and that this is normal behavior. imagine my shock!!! When my husband left this time he went and leased an apartment to this day would not admit to me were he lives which is fine by me because I already know. I don’t bother him I don’t call him nor do I worry about him because mentally and physcially I just don’t have the means or energy to do so and at some point i have to get back into loving me in which i have began to do. my husband has been out of the home 1 month on Monday, I’m lonley and a part of me is sad and I miss who he can be but I’ve started a better relationship with God and so I don’t worry about our marriage, I do know that if he serves me divorce papers that I will sign them and I do know that if he doesn’t get the help that he so desperately needs that I will have him served and will follow threw to the end because deep down in side no decent person should ever have to put up with such treatment that they call love. Sorry I went on and on Im just truly amazed that i found this sight and on top of this one of the other blogs I swear was almost identicial to my very own.
Lisa
Silencia, I can share your feelings. Of course if you’re hurt, you cannot behave in a normal way, and of course a manipulative person is very difficult to deal with, its actually almost impossible, so you’re probably right in ignoring that person but I consider myself a fair person, I don’t manipulate or abuse other people and ,in my opinion, a person that behaves in a normal way (in other words, no abusively or manipulatively) does not deserve the silent treatment. If a mistake has been made, it needs to be dealt with, not encountered with silence for days. In a healthy relationship one needs to make a lot of efforts and one of them should be talking even when you feel like not talking at all because you’re hurt. After all, we are all humans and we all make mistakes, could you imagine a world where everybody reacted at mistakes with the silent treatment? It’d be hell on earth. Anyway, I’m sorry you had to deal with a manipulative person, it’s a really painful experience.
Silencia, I can understand being hurt – happens to me all the time – but to cut people off – like totally – seriously – that’s a cop out. If you’re in a relationship then you’re in. If you’re not then don’t bother. You can’t just vacate when you feel like it – and ignore a person that means something to you for days, weeks, months at a time – and then expect them to somehow totally bow to what you think your needs are. And who am I talking to?!! I do that all the time!!
In response to Jill, of course “all of the time” is an exaggeration. Also, you’re talking to an individual who is only sharing her experiences like everyone else. I think you should respect that and not belittle me with your statement, “…and who am I talking to?” Because my way of communicating is different than what you believe is right, doesn’t make it wrong. Everyone has reasons for why they are the way they are.
When I give the “silent treatment” it is normally because I’ve internalized what is going on for so long that I feel hopeless. I’m sure that’s where communication comes in; telling the person that there’s a problem before it progresses to that level. I’m very aware of that, and it’s something I’m hoping to work on. You may see it as childishness and I could easily understand why, but for me, it’s more about moving past the issue and going forward with my life. Though quickly moving on hasn’t always been the case. It’s also something I’ve never done to someone in hopes that things will eventually get better after I perhaps “cool off.” It means “I’m out.” I would never expect for someone to accept me with arms wide open afterward. It’s a breaking point for me.
I’m sorry for anyone I’ve hurt as a result. But in all honesty, the people that this situation has happened with probably could care less. I’ve spent almost two years of my life very down and out, not even realizing it until now. It seems I’m almost at end of the tunnel. And believe it or not, the person that I’ve been ignoring has so much to do with it. And though I haven’t spoken to him or acknowledged his presence, I’ve thought about him every day. I cared and sometimes still care about someone who never cared at all. That’s beside the point. New things have come into my life that has instilled new faith in me. When I began to get “down and out” that’s when I lost a lot of “friends.” I guess I shut down and didn’t want anyone in my life at that point. I didn’t realize that until now either; it seems everything kind of fit together. My life, I guess you could say, just gradually went downhill before my eyes and I didn’t even realize it. Could it have been prevented if I had communicated more? Maybe.
I was only trying to give you insight into what it’s like for a person like me. One who internalizes life. A silent person can be a hurt person. Mad person. Bad person. Good person. I know that I could be a better person, but I’m surely not a bad person. I actually felt as though my kindness was taken advantage of before I gave the silent treatment.
First, she was not belittling. Second, the use of withdrawal and refusal is a coping mechanism and learned behavior by someone who was not permitted to experience his or her feelings in safety, likely beginning in childhood. It is a damage response. It is also what these emotionally crippled people employ as a defensive, damage control device.
The person who uses this control technique does so often out of a feeling of hopelessness; they feel they have no other recourse. And many do not as they simply lack the emotional skills necessary to use two-way, emotionally open communication. They are terrified of being open because that is where they’re vulnerable. Chances are, as kids, the parental environment was one of emotional instability, covert retaliation, and continued manipulation and diminishing (which causes a hypersensitivity to it in the future).
The resulting adult will avoid these abuses, even if only perceived, using the only method of control they were able to generate as children: Silence and withdrawal (read internalizing). In this state, the emotional abuser can’t keep getting to them and the tables are turned. The trouble is, this behavior becomes a conditioned response that outlives its usefulness and is continued into the adult’s future relationships, where he or she then perpetrates the damdge instead of being the victim of it. And in all honesty, they self damage, but will rarely become aware of it.
Understand me clearly, the person who believes themself to be whole and fully functional but then employs this control technique is not whole, they are damaged. Internal scars and survival techniques are at play, deep beneath the surface. These people often live with partners who rountinely feel as though they must be crazy, because along with the harm done to the receiving end of the silent treatment is often a distortion of reality by the one who has withdrawn. The act of withdrawal is often accompanied by a very covert shift of blame. This can occur in situations where there was not even reasonable cause for any blame to exist in the eyes of the partner who doesn’t employ the technique. There is a cycle going here.
If you rountinely find yourself using the withdrawal and internalization method, you know that all the stuff you shovel down inside just stays there, piling up. Just like it did as a child. The difference now is that you could be on a level playing field emotionally with those you love and/or live with. You could choose to seek help in gaining healthy coping mechanisms and helpful methods of interaction at such intimate and vulnerable states as are created in committed relationships. You could choose to save yourself future hurt, spare your partner the anguish you cause them, and prevent any future generation you create from the damage. You can choose to stop the cycle of pain and harm, for all involved, including you. But chances are without that pain, conflict, it whatever causes the weight of your burden to remain, you would be lost. It would be foreign and therefore not safe for you to experience these sort of interactions with freedom to feel, security to explore, and trust that your partner doesn’t want to harm you. Fear of being hurt and harmed drives your reluctance, and for good reason, your fear is a learned response.
But you can change your responses. You can change perceptions and understanding. There is another option. An entirely other world that you could exist in that is safe and makes conflict useful. Where love and compassion are the ulterior motives. Trouble is that as long as you keep yourself securely in your hole, back against the wall, where you think you are safe, there is a huge likelihood you’ll never realize the love and compassion staring you in the face.
And the reason they will never see it is because they are indeed damaged souls. Deeply hurt during a time when they could not prevent it (childhood, naive first relationship, illness, etc). These people can change, but need help from an outside source that can teach them and help them develop the the tools they lack.
In the mean time, it you suffer the effects of another imposing their rejection, withdrawal, and/or isolation the best thing you can do is turn to education. Inform yourself of the patterns, the cycles, the experience of life through their eyes. If you can part ways, do so. If you are not in a position to separate and sever your relationship, find an educated source to talk to and locate your unending supply of inner strength. Most importantly, define your boundaries and set them at the place just in front of allowing yourself to become a victim.
Angie,
I think that, other than you responding about Jill’s intentions, some very good points are made here. I do think I came on the wrong website if I thought anyone would share my perspective, though that wasn’t the idea at all. I don’t know exactly if I’m the type of person you described, unstable home, etc. I do know that I was always loved. I figure all parents argue, and that’s about the most unstable thing about my childhood.. if anything. I guess there’s nothing else left for me to say at this point other than thanks I guess.
I could be way off but it seems Silencia was doing this to someone who had greatly hurt her so she decided she was better off w/o them in her life–she didn’t stay around and torture them off and on with the silent treatment, it was a breakin g point for her after having been hurt and betrayed so many times. Most of the people, myself included, on here are not the recipients of that. I know I wasn’t. For me, the giver of the silent treatment used it day in and day out, month in and month out and it wasn’t that our issues just came to a head one day and then BAM!, silent treatment and they were out of my life. No. This is osmething I lived with constantly for years. So I don’t think SIlencia’s case is like the ones we experience at all.
But people who use silence as a form of control and manipulation are sick individuals. They do it because they can and choose to. Pscyhology may play a part in it, their childhood may too but some people are just a-holes, sorry to say. One thing that is true is that it is a very passive-agressive and childish form of communicating, or rather, NOT communicating.
Never will I ever be with someone who cannot give me the common courtesy of speech, the person who is supposed to be closest to me. *In my case, my husband*
Perhaps I am incorrect but I believe Jill was speaking rhetorically. As in, the pot and kettle concept. However, the defensive response, regardless of intent, is more telling than. One might imagine.
And please forgive my English butchering thumbs and phone.
And though I am well aware I am taking the bait, why did you comment here then, Silencia? Will you share with us what you are omitting.
Angie,
You can think that I’m being defensive; that’s okay too. You seem to only point out the bad things I say anyway, though you’ll probably think I’m only being defensive again. What do you mean by asking what am I omitting? I really don’t mind answering that question because I don’t feel as though anything is being omitted. As I said, I was only bringing a different perspective to the board. I only saw the words of the abusers, and I wanted to contribute a post from someone who has given the silent treatment. I’m not supporting abuse in any way. No reasonable person would. I’ve said that I am aware that it is childish. I’ve said that I’m sorry for anyone I’ve hurt by giving the silent treatment. I’ve said that it is something I know that I have to work on. I even said that you made some good points in your post. You didn’t notice any of that. You only filtered out the bad stuff. I said none of it to please you, but its there. So why do you still have a problem with the things I say?
i just love this post.. it taught me a lot about the psychology of silent treatment and how it develops in a person… I think I know better how to deal with my husband already… thanks a lot… thanks
I have been in a relationship with a man who gives me the silent treatment for the last five years. He is wonderfully loving and caring a lot of the time, but really struggles with me being anything but cheerful and calm. As a woman this is a bit of a stretch sometimes! He sees any sadness and tension in me as being a sort of accusation of him and a failure on his part to make me happy. This feeling in him can quickly turn to resentment as he feel he ‘tries so hard to please me’. I then try very hard to surpress any of those emotions and only show him a happy me. Obviously at some point cani say something snappy or irritable to him. He then reacts terribly badly to what in my experience has never really upset anyone else terribly. He feels my behaviour is completely unexpected and unreasonable and then metes out the silent treatment. THis can go on for at least a day. He says he does it so he doesn’t say anything wrong, but I feel terrible. All of the feelings that you describe so well. I wonder if I am a horrible person to cause him to do this. I reach out to him both physically and verbally but he completely rejects me. THe whole cycle can take two or three weeks to fully pass as for this time he can be highly sensitive and you can trigger him off again. He then rages that he can’t take the responsibility of a relationship and that he just wants to be alone. I have found what you have written very illuminating as I know that he had a very difficult relationship with his father and wonder if this is the origin of his response.
Aphra: you may never see this.. not sure whether the site will tell you there is a reply or not. It is a natural part of life that there will be times / days when you are sad or feel tension. It is not possible to be authentically happy always. Your boyfriends perception that your sadness or tension reflects badly on him, is HIS issue. He is taking it personally. This happens because he has a poor sense of self, where he ends and you begin. No person can be fully responsible for another person’s happiness, and no one can be happy all the time. It is important that you both seek counselling. You need to be able to authentically express how you feel, and he needs to be able to hear that and support you without feeling he has cuased it or is to blame.
Angie,
I was wondering if you are a counselor? Your response to The Silent Treatment and the reasons suggested described to a tee my relationship with my father both as a child and how I dealt with conflict when it came up in the family business, which is now sold as a result of lack of communication. Please respond, I’d like to talk to you further.
I found it very hard to read your last two paragraphs and not feel that I wasnt looking into a mirror.
I’m saddened by someone else having a lot of pain this way…only because I know how much it really feels. it sucks…I know.
My silent treatment involves the disloyalty of a son that has taken advantage of me in a form of revenge that I truly cannot bring myself to “be” with him for very long. I am not a mad person, a bad person- I could be a better person, but he has taken and taken and taken to the point that I give as little as possible…I tell him I love him, and so forth, we hug…but, I feel dead as a mother to him.
Silencia: I very much relate to what you’re saying about your view of the silent treatment toward a man who has occupied your thoughts and feelings a lot, only after he had “done some damage” and now looking back, probably didn’t deserve all the good, kind, giving friendship I gave to him (since he was fairly frequently sarcastic to me, pushed me away due to his own issues he was going through way back then, did some “mean” things, not always, but enough to cause me to feel hurt, mad, pain, and for a long time). I have to say I’m a forgiving type person, but I learned that I shouldn’t “forget” (lest I let myself in for more “maltreatment”)! I’m not a bad person either, nor am I trying to “play games” or punish him by feeling it’s best for me if I don’t have contact with him (to protect myself and give myself a chance to heal and “get over it” AGAIN, because he had written me a short note and even that had a negative affect on me, which showed me I still had “grief work” to do and don’t feel I can do that with having contact with him, because I don’t want to come across in the wrong, negative way to him, but if I DID have contact, it would be for me to have CLOSURE from him, as I decided it’s probably best if I cut it off, again, not to be mean, but because I have agonized over him for so long, about what to say or not, that after long consideration, it seems probably best if I just “leave it as it is”. Yes, it bothers me, so that means I’m NOT doing it to cause him pain, and I agree with what someone else wrote, knowing this man, it probably won’t, and never has, bothered him as much as it’s bothered me (because I never did anything to him, it was vice versa, so I’m the one who got hurt, not him!) I figure he’s not going to be able to do/say anything to me anyway, plus both of our personal situations have changed, we now live in different countries, and I don’t want to take a risk with him anymore, no matter what the situations/circumstances are anymore, that’s what I found out. I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to him, so that’s another reason why I can’t “say/write anything to him”, because if I do, it’s only going to be an “explanation” which he might/probably take the wrong way, and I don’t need that also on my mind. So, for me, it’s not about not caring, it’s about caring too much, but I’ve learned I better take care of and consider how I feel, not just him! I better take care of myself, no one else will. I don’t want him in my life anymore, I don’t think we have the compatibility, commitment, etc. to make enough of what I consider to be a good friendship anyway, not anymore, maybe not ever, once I look back on it. But I WANT to write, but I probably won’t at the end of the day, weighing out the pros and cons, so that is my situation with a “silent treatment”, which is me not being mean or playing games, it’s just that it’s for the best I suppose, and that I have to think of the consequences of how I would feel if I DID contact him (when I don’t want him to contact me, I just want to clear the air, explain, and get closure for myself). I don’t know how it would affect him, but probably it wouldn’t too much, but I don’t want to take that chance I guess. I want to purge this from my life, put it behind me, move on, which I have moved on, but as soon as I got a note from him, it opened up a lot of bad painful memories for me, so that is why I’m in the middle of this silent treatment period, although I didn’t think of it that way
I notice how much maturity to say “I know I be a better communicator” (not verbatim) that those who dole out the silent treatment (ST) have. They also bear a lot of guilt.
I also notice how much antipathy and insensitivity the ones who born the brunt of ST have. They immediately resort to sarcasm and defensiveness without LISTENING to what the other person is saying and respecting his/her opinion and feelings.
I love how they call us (people who ST) “damaged”; then they wonder why we don’t want to talk to them. o_O Calling someone “damaged” is nothing short of verbal and emotional abuse. How terrible a thing to call someone!
Hey mate, thanks for sharing this.
I’ve received silent treatment a few times, and ye – it TOTALLY sucks.
I hate it, it’s horrible, and the worst thing is, it makes me feel as if I did something wrong, I mean, it’s not like I’m totally innocent, but the wrong is shared isn’t it?
I do feel exactly the things you stated, a big feeling of unworthiness.
I went as far as crying just because my brother AND sister stopped talking to me.
I had an argument with my brother, and did something which I didn’t entirely mean to my sister.
They are both over 6-7 years OLDER then me, so I find this inappropriate, I mean, how can you hold something over someone younger then you, a younger BROTHER.
I don’t really fix it directly, I kind of just leave it, or wait I guess……
But man, I’ll tell you – I have no idea how people completely banish you from their list of existence. It’s mental torture.
Thanks Angie, rhetoric was the point. And Silencia, as Venus said, most of us have suffered from this treatment hundreds of times for countless years, and not just a final cutoff like you’ve said has occurred with your relationships. So, I apologize if you were just trying to create a perspective. However, you must realize that so many of us are in a lot of pain, and are somehow trying to heal and deal with it, and this is a safe place to commiserate, empathize and share. You have to expect you’d get some negative feedback. Because my husband just went off on me again, I was not willing to be sympathetic to your perspective. And Angie, by the way, I read your initial post to Silencia about eighty times. You’ve made an impact.
And just a question: does anyone else’s significant other blindside them? Like, my family is coming for Christmas – for two nights – I’ve prepped him for this for like three months. I’ve said dates and details and let him in on every conversation so he would be well prepared. And then I said tonight – “So, do you have time to do anything for New Year’s?” He said, “I’m going to see my family (about a five hour drive away) probably on the 28th or 29th and staying for New Year’s”. Not – I’d like to go to my family’s”, or do you want to go see my family” – but “I’m going”. So I said, “Am I invited”? He said, “Whatever.” He does this sort of thing a lot – makes decisions, doesn’t let me in on them, and does whatever he feels like. I usually go because I don’t want to look bad.
And Silencia, you’re prickly.
At this point I’m really sorry that I wrote on this website. Jill, I misundestood your intentions, and I’m sorry.I’m also very sorry about your husband. I didn’t realize at first that you wrote the prickly statement. I don’t even know what that means, but some of you are coming off as being very judgmental. Of course everyone makes impressions, but none of us know each other personally. I can understand that this is somewhat of a support group for all of you, which makes sense that all of my posts are basically valueless here. If I knew, I would have never wrote here. I’m guessing that you all are in a siutation that isn’t easy, especially for those of you who are married. I think you guys should know that you deserve much better, especially if your partner is cognizant of their behavior and still unwilling to ( at least attempt to )change. Everyone has a breaking point, and sometimes things aren’t worth fighting for anymore.
Best wishes to all of you.
Everyone who might be following the Silencia conversation, I’d like to invite you to read something I’m working on at this moment. My three year old is making it difficult (started it yesterday, as I feel so compelled by compassion if nothing else to write it, that I can’t rest until I finish) but I should have it finished in a couple of hours.
This is a topic that is so rampant and so damaging, that it warrants significant review and contemplation. I will post a link here when my article is complete, but it can be found using the link that my name on any of my comments sends you to as well.
Jill, you are not crazy (the Christmas thing), and your confusion and frustration are not only entirely real and legitimate, but there is an explanation hiding from you. If you’ll allow me, I will educate the best I can, give you (and others) some resources for the purpose of continued education, and I promise your burden will be eased. Understanding and knowledge is the key to stopping the emotional pain suffered by those on the receiving end of these control methods. It’s an interwoven, deeply seated, yet simply understood behavior pattern in the human mind. It can be well understood, well recognized, and well managed. AND, the one causing the pain, who is also suffering greatly on the inside, can end the pain.
For those of you who decide to remain with the person who uses these methods, if you are willing and strong enough inside, you can play a large part in helping these people to stop their own suffering, along with that which they heap upon you.
I have been there (married to a ST giver), and have actually come out the other side alive (and still together, I might add). We still struggle sometimes, but the education I know hold is where the key was found.
I need to be educated Angie. Whatever you have to give, I’m ready.
I have completed an article and it can be found on my blog. The title of the article is The Silent Treatment. I can’t seem to get this site to allow me to post the url, so please either just Google “No Greater Joy Children” and look for a wordpress.com blog, or click on my name in this forum, as it is a link to the blog’s homepage.
I hope the information will provide some assistance and peace.
I did read parts of your post, and I don’t know exactly how I feel about it. You’re right. I’m one of those people who choose to avoid pain, especially when I’ve felt it from the same person time and time again. I don’t believe it stems from childhood though. I couldn’t have asked for a more loving and supportive family. I think it’s more that I’m overly sensitive because I’m not used to people walking on my feelings. I also hate confrontation. I find it easier to not say anything than to confront. That’s where the silent treatment comes in. I know that everything in life isn’t supposed to be easy either. I think the only part of your post that bothered me was when you said, “I am thankful I do not have the burden of a personal relationship with her.” I’m truly not a bad person. In all honesty, I’ve always been told that I was a decent person, mature in most aspects of my life but not very good at communicating obviously. I’m a lot more aware of my flaws than my family would probably ever acknowledge. There were definitely times that I became defensive on the message board. I actually felt as though I was defending myself most of the time. Firstly, it was my first time writing on a message board that I can recall (so much for a good first experience), and secondly, it seemed that the two of you were only seeing what you wanted to see. The people I’ve ignored weren’t exactly innocent either, though I know it doesn’t give me the right to ignore them. It was an unconscious reaction to a people who had hurt me. Actually there were times that I thought I would stop writing you guys back because I didn’t know how you would respond, but I knew that you would think I was only being avoidant again. So! .. obviously I do have a fear of pain, rejection, failure, whatever you may call it , but I don’t think it gives anyone a right to think I’m such a bad person that you wouldn’t want to be associated with me. That is only one aspect of who I am. We all have flaws because we’re human. I’m all about self-realization, growth or what not, but I’m human and still quite young. There’s potential and a desire to grow. Also, I really didn’t know the meaning of prickly. I googled it, that’s about it. There was no real definition though. I really do feel sorry for the women who are being abused. When I said that I wish I hadn’t written on the message board in the first place, it wasn’t an apology. I just meant that I wish I had avoided the confusion. I know
, I’m being avoidant again. My apology to Jill was sincere. As far as me saying that I didn’t say it to please you, I really had become defensive. You’re right. I wasn’t trying to get you to retaliate though. It seems unreal that you wrote an entire post about me and people like me. It’s kind of embarrassing? I don’t know. I also kind of brushed it off because I really feel as though you don’t know me. I also felt as though the statement you made was a little insensitive. I do feel as though everything happens for a reason. That’s kind of my life’s motto . So maybe it will make me even more cognizant of my behavior if I ever see myself doing the same thing again. By the way, I would’ve sent this in email on your blog instead but I didn’t want you to see my email address 
.
Silencia,
I know what I know because I have had to live through it. Your tendency to avoid conflict so adamantly is something that if you said that very same sentence to a counselor, they’d immediately have an inside understanding and could probably give you some insight that could possibly have such impact that your entire future would be happier.
I am thankful to have the opportunity to talk and discuss topics with people, especially when I might have a bit here/there to offer that is useful. The reason I am thankful I do not share a friendship with you is simply that I already have a personal relationship with another human who struggles with many of the same patterns you exhibit, and I barely have enough inner strength to survive it.
I haven’t read beyond your first paragraph… except the last line because it’s on my screen… the pattern continues.
I truly hope that others will benefit from this exchange, and perhaps you will reflect internally and possibly seek some outside perspective, for others’ sake, if not your own.
It is difficult to demonstrate respect and value toward a person under these circumstances; I hope that my respect of you is felt, as well as my compassion.
Silencia,
I have a quick question for you, if you’re willing to answer honestly. You have indicated that your childhood environment was stable and quite positive. For that I am thankful, for you. You also stated that, if anything, your parents may have argued. This is something that definitely happens frequently and it can be harmful just as it can be beneficial, depending on how the adults manage the disagreements and conflict.
My question is associated, but comes from a slightly different perspective. Is there a possibility that, at some point during your childhood, some adult(s) that you were exposed to routinely struggled with either being on the receiving end of regular disapproval, or were on the giving end of routine scorn? Scorn does not have to be extreme, it can be very “gentle”, like a spouse’s tendency to correct the other spouse.
Diminishing can take on a lot of different shapes and degrees, and has a wide array of consequences. It seems to be equally dispersed between the genders and generations, as well as belief systems.
Additionally, I have found that any time a real example (especially a live, presently occurring one) presents itself, education almost always follows, especially if it’s allowed. Your choice to continue in the conversation gave me the opportunity to share insight, for that I want to thank you.
Also, I’d like to point out a few additional items to review for those who may find it beneficial, from the response above.
Truly, a wonderful opportunity to learn, for everyone here.
I’ll write later tonight, and add to the posting already on the blog.
They did argue a bit. However I wouldn’t blame it on anyone, especially not my mom. There was a lot of positivity that came from my environment that I am grateful for.
Arguing doesn’t necessarily have to be diminishing, but it can take the tone of superiority.
Might you be willing to answer my direct question? Did either of your parents, or another adult(s) in your routine exposure use tones, words, admonishments, correcting, scolding, or disapproval as part of normal, daily communication?
This looks like…. The husband sets the table, with or without the wife’s request. The wife sits down and sees that the husband miscounted and the number of place settings is incorrect.
Scenario one: There are too few settings and the wife says loud enough that all in attendance can hear, “Frank, you missed one/didn’t set enough places/forgot somebody.”
Chances are she has a look on her face of what a mother might toward a child who was careless. This demonstrates her assumption that Frank is just not quite whatever he needs to be in order to get it right.
Scenario two: There are too many settings and the wife must make mention of it. “Frank, you set too many places.” She might also add, with a silent huff, “I’ll take one back so we have enough room for the food.”
Did she need to even say anything about there being too many? If it really were an issue of space, she could have simply picked up the extra and solved the problem in silence. His feelings would have been spared, the embarrassment prevented, and her respect for his efforts upheld. Some men would pay enough attention and take note, others would be completely oblivious, but in my experience those that remain oblivious are those that suffer under the routine disapproval of either their spouse or parent (past and/or present).
Other Direction
Man at Woman
Husband and wife are giving a party, guests are primarily husband’s work acquaintances. Wife does all the prep and setup, husband watches tv and asks periodically throughout the day if she has everything ready. Husband tells the wife more than once how important the evening is to him. He doesn’t have much faith in her getting it right, but that fact is never voiced.
Party commences, everything is ready, guests arrive. 1/2 way through the party, someone tells the husband that his selection of wine is running low. Husband flies into apologetic action… “I’m not sure how we managed to overlook this!”, he says as he eyes his wife.
All manner of degrading remarks may ensue, either directed as the wife or in conversation passively with others, either within earshot of the wife or not. The husband is embarrassed and in his own lack, attempts to safe face at the cost of his wife. Yet, after all is said and done, he thanks her for her efforts (even if she didn’t quite get it right).
What isn’t said is very powerful. What is said is powerful.
This is just an example, there are millions. But the reason I ask is simply this: There is a reason you avoid conflict to the degree that you do. There is also a reason you communicate in the circles and patterns that you do… and understanding that makes a huge difference to all who interact with you, including yourself.
They argued. You wouldn’t blame it on anyone, especially not your mom. So, especially who then? And you have specifically identified your childhood as quite positive, and for which you are grateful. I would assume that anyone would be grateful for a positive upbringing, but you have specifically clarified your gratitude. Why?
I realize you have not requested to be analyzed, and will respectfully cease to inquire of your experiences and thoughts the moment you request it. However, if you (an anonymous but very valuable opportunity for education) are willing to humor me, I send my thanks.
I do plan to respond to your post. It will probably be tomorrow though. Just so you know. I responded and then it all deleted, and I don’t have the time to write it over tonight.
& no there was no correcting or admonishing, just arguing. I never liked my father’s choice of words and tone when I was younger. He’s changed a lot over time though. It seems it just took him longer to mature than some. I’m extremely close to my mom and always have been. She’s my support and the person I speak most openly with. My dad and I have an understood father-daughter love, but there’s never been a lot of communication. It doesn’t bother me at all. Actually he attempts conversation more than I do.
I truly am busy right now and I plan to respond. However, if I choose to not speak much more on the subject, please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m just a private person, though I know it’s anonymous, and I don’t know how willing I am to share much more of my life. I do wish you the best in what you do. I realize that your intentions are good, and you’re quite good at opening people up. I kind of want to tell whatever you want to know, but there’s a reluctance to continue too. It’s not that I feel as if there’s anything to hide; it just feels so personal to me. I feel a little more enlightened though already. Maybe part of my past does affect me still today, and I hope what we’ve said already is sufficient to help others too.
Understood.
Thank you, either way.
Silencia why are you apologizing so much? I just stumbled across this message board and I totally understand how you feel. It’s how you feel. Do not let anyone discount your feelings. I too feel what has been said by lots of the persons here is judgmental. I mean seriously? Your use of silent treatment while painful to whomever it was directed at is understandable. I think a better approach by persons here would have been to flesh out why you respond in that fashion. I don’t think you have anything to apologize for, and to think someone wrote a whole article directed at you? Are they serious? Wow!
In fact Silencia please leave this message board before these people notably Angie start to make you believe something is wrong with you…I mean wow! Yes very judgmental…in fact I’m outta here too. peace!
For those who might be interested, I have posted an extensive resource page on this subject, with linking to many additional sources of information, support forums, and opportunities to explore, learn, and heal.
This forum has blocked url’s, so the following is taken from a PeacefulPlanet article (linking can be found at my blog) and echoes what Ken has stated in the original post.
If you would like to access the resource list that addresses learning how to cope with this treatment, please click the link that is associated with my name in this comment. Once at the blog, in the upper right, use the search bar and search for the term “silent treatment”. I will be posting one or two additional pages with reflections and solutions/help that encompass the vast diversity and far reaching effects of this subject over the next few days.
_________________
The silent treatment can feel like a slap in the face because it’s insulting. Invalidating. Humiliating. And it can make a person feel rejected and utterly powerless.
Dr. Kip Williams says it’s a form of rejection or social ostracization that can be extremely painful. According to an article published by the American Psychological Association (link is www . apa . org/monitor/2009/04/social . aspx ), the emotional pain felt from the silent treatment is much like physical pain because of shared neural pathways in the brain. In other words, when we pull a muscle or break a bone, the pain we experience is much the same as the pain felt when a loved one—whose validation and attention we seek—rejects us and gives us the silent treatment.
In conclusion, (especially women) if you have not read the article entitled “The Boomerang Relationship”, in which Dr. Scott Wetzler, [Living With the Passive Aggressive Man: Coping with the Personality Syndrome of Hidden Aggression From the Bedroom to the Boardroom] discusses the dynamics and patterns of men who struggle with this issue, it is a must read.
www . angriesout . com/couples8 . htm
- Remove the spaces.
Well, I have a Mother-In-law from Hell. She has done nothing accept throw insults at me and our kids. She is manipulative, and never accepts that anything is her fault. She has made me cry at Christmas 2009 from her screaming at me. ( YES SCREAMING ) I am done with her. I feel that the silent treament in this case is justified. I have not spoken to her since Christmas, and she has not spoken to me.
She recently sent me a letter, telling me everything that I have done to her, and claiming that GOD told her to send the letter. I decided that I will not tolerate her abuse, and if Silent treatment causes her pain, it is only giving her back the pain she has done to me.
One woman’s abuse is another man’s treasure.
I feel as though emotional abuse in a relationship of any kind can be destructive. I believe that communication and honesty are the important keys to a healthy foundation. The silent treatment is one of the more controlling methods. I wish that the silent treatment was the sum of all my quarrells, but mine run far more deeper then that.
It could also be a form of trying to run from problems; which is an unhealthy outlet. Unhealthy outlets always lead to either self destruction or running back into the same problems. There always should be a solution.
Solutions will bring harmony into a relationship. Respecting eachothers boundaries as one another voices their concerns is VERY important too. Being silent is very rude and disrespectful in my book. Yet I am very compassionate and patient. I try to understand what is causing them to react that way.
Sometimes people have a constant need for attention. While you are busy chasing them down with questions and emotions they feel wanted and desired. So they know that ignoring you gets them what they want. There are also the people that will not take responsibilty for their own actions. In return they want you to take the blame so they don’t have to deal with that spectrum.
Either way they are not dealing effectively or positively in the relationship. The only person you can change is you. In order for things to be different, you have to do things differently. Depending how much you love them is how much you will endure. Eventually once you have had enough of the abuse your love for that person will die.
How can you love somebody who is so emotionally distant and aloof towards you?
I believe that Silencia distancing herself from those who have ‘betrayed’ her is not a punishing type of silent treatment. It seems to me that she was protecting herself from more hurt. However, I do hope the person that hurt her knows they hurt her.
I have had several times in my life when I did not speak to someone who was constantly hurting me. They did not or would not understand when I told them how I felt–they maintained that they were “right” in what they were doing. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore so I did not interact with them for several years. When they came around to make up, I told them my attitude had not changed. They said they were still right, but after my ignoring them they did change their ways and restrained themselves from the behavior that was hurting me. My silence was not based on an intention to hurt but to keep from being hurt, which had been a years-long situation. This “ignoring” was not done with any other motive than to protect myself because of my constant emotional pain. It hurt me to do this as much as it affected the recipients. I stressed to them that I was not about to choose more pain by accepting more of their behavior when they came around to “make up.”
During this last “make up” I insisted on a discussion about the issues because they just wanted to “kiss and make up” and not delve into any substantive specifics. I knew that if I had allowed them to continue their behavior, they would never have discussed any of this.My relationship with them improved.
There is a difference between ignoring a hurtful person for self-protection and jerking others around emotionally in order to control people.
I think most people who practice the silent treatment on their loved ones for punishment or manipulation know exactly what they are doing. I don’t think it is always caused by a “lack” in their childhood or a dysfuntional parent–I believe that being “spoiled” as a child or even as an adult gives certain people the idea that they can treat others in whatever way that indulges their sense of power. They know this. They deny knowing what emotional havoc they cause, but they are aware or they would not do it. They seek out people who know how to really “love” and practice this torture on them.
I read the articles suggested by the posters here and found that the suggestions for dealing with practitioners of silence and avoidance were helpful only if the practitioner was open to communication.I have tried them all. In my experience only one person I have “carefronted” got the message.The rest of them considered my efforts a threat and gave me another dose of silence or proceeded in typical passive-aggressive fashion to punish me for my directness with slurs, innuendoes, and gossiping about me behind my back, etc.
Releasing oneself from destructive relationships is emotional relief from the constant pain.
I haven’t posted for awhile but after reading Silencia’s posts, I believe she is feeling “judged” by what she has read here and felt the need to contribute.
BLESSINGS THIS HOLIDAY!
Hi Elleke. I said the same thing about Silencia. She was choosing to move on from that relationship which caused her so much pain. So I actually see her as more like us, the receipients of the emotional abuse versus one of the jack*sses that does it to us. LOL.
You said: “I read the articles suggested by the posters here and found that the suggestions for dealing with practitioners of silence and avoidance were helpful only if the practitioner was open to communication.”
That is so true!!! You can read as much info on “coping” skills and how to deal with someone who dishes out the silent treatment but the fact remains: if you are in an intimate/close relationship with someone who continually uses this as a pattern, it is NOT a healthy relationship and unless the other person is willing to listen to you and empathizes with you on how badly the treatment is affecting you and is open and willing to change, NOTHING will change. Nothing you do can or will make someone else change their behavior. That’s it. So you have two options: tolerate it or move on. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting the same result.
Happy holidays everyone.
Christy,
I feel for you with your mothero-in-law situation. Do you think your husband could speak with his mother about this? Is her issue with you that you took her son away and she feels the need to blame you for everything that is not going her way? Is she really mad at her son rather than you and sees you as the cause of her son’s distance from her?
If she cannot learn to respect you then she needs to be ignored. That is not the same thing as playing the silent treatment game. I do think a better way from silence is distancing. You know you will have to see her sometimes. So be polite but nothing else. No sharing, no being in the same room alone together. That way she will have nothing to rant about. Just a suggestion!
Choosing to sever or cease communication with someone is not the “Silent Treatment”, it is concluding interactions with a given person, for a legitimate reason and done so because other attempts at either reconciliation or conclusion/resolution has not proven successful. This sort of social decision is not harmful, and is typically final.
However, someone who chooses to take this action does not typically live with lingering discomfort or anger/resentment related to that person for more than a week or two. The reason they have closed the door on the relationship/interaction is because they are through with it – and once closed, it is let go. The memory will never completely depart, but it’s not something fresh on the mind. Silencia’s scenario doesn’t fit this, nor does her subsequent communication through this forum.
_____________________________
There is a book that might be helpful to some of you, male and female. It’s “Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom” Scott Wetzler
Here is an excerpt:
APPROPRIATE PASSIVE-AGGRESSION
Under certain conditions, passive-aggression can be a healthy, highly adaptive response. Call it subtlety, tact, humor, restraint, altruism or even courage, it is also passive-aggression. Humor or diplomacy, for example, can defuse a highly volatile situation and prevent the dropping of bombs, real or metaphorical. More dramatic cases of passive-aggression are the “nonviolent” protests led by Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr.
For anyone who is oppressed, truly deprived of power and with no other means of resistance, nonviolent protest is one way to get feelings and demands known: the lone Chinese student stalwartly defying a tank moving on him in Tiananmen Square is now a universal symbol of such defiance. To assert oneself, without showing inflammatory anger, is, in this case, healthy.
There is a clear distinction between healthy and neurotically played-out passive-aggression. It’s the difference between tact and avoidance, humor and obnoxiousness, civil disobedience and plain obstructionism. You know it when you see it in action. A healthy person uses passive-aggression to help him achieve his goals. Neurotic passive-aggression clouds issues and gets you nowhere.
To some degree, passive-aggression describes everyone, normal as well as dysfunctional men and women. Its universality may be compared to a commonly understood feeling like anxiety. It may be an unpleasant emotion, but anxiety serves a psychological function necessary for survival: it signals us to take action when faced with impending danger, motivating us, hopefully, to perform at our best to get us out of the scrape and to a better state.
Evolution has its reasons. Maintaining a moderate level of anxiety is one of our most important adaptive functions. Too much anxiety interferes with functioning — you just freeze or flail — and too little provides insufficient incentive to take action. Similarly, the issue with passive-aggression is not that the behavior is present, but that what is there is excessive or inappropriate. When it pervades all different kinds of interactions, not just isolated instances, passive-aggression becomes neurotic.
It’s this inappropriateness that causes all the trouble.
There are six basic human emotions. Happiness,fear,disgust,sadness,anger,and surprise. If we were to look at the human being as a pully system. We could have a logical/metaphorical way of looking at problems and solutions. There are many more emotions that are a combination of the six basic ones.
In love we are a pully together. We work each barring, working to move the belt/relationship forward. If one of our barrings freezes up then it causes a malfunction in our life i.e. the pully.
Though the other emotions/barrings are still there. There is still a need if we want the relationship/belt to go forward/fix barring. There is no way to fix the barring/happiness without the right tools/solutions. In another way if one part of the body/emotion/barring is freezing up then the other parts i.e. emotions enhance; therefore causing stress and the combination of problems begin to occur.
In those that are escaping pain/sadness they are refusing to let the pully/relationship go forward. In that case it is common sense to get out of any situation where your emotions/barrings are reversing instead of enhancing the relationship/pully forward.
There are those cases where people intentionally combine hurtful and selfish tactics to get there way. In those selfish ways they take away the balance and timing of the relationship/pully. They seize up one or more of the barrings; and then don’t have the patience or tools/solutions to work with to fix it.
We all make mistakes and hurt people unintentionally depending on our morals and views, but these are some of the things one should know before jumping into a full blown relationship/pully.You have to understand that when with any lover or pully there are going to be problems whether you run and hide or face them head on. So the tools/solutions you would need to fix the relationship/pully are compassion,devotion,integrity,patience,healthy boundries,and the ability to openly express who you are to that person.
If you are hiding behind a mask as we all do in some stance towards strangers then your relationship/pully will seize. It will not work until the proper tools/solutions are used.
There are many different tools/solutions that can be for your situation.These problems are at times combining all those emotions into a solution/tool in itself. Once you feel your relationship/pully pulling forward then you know you are on your way to a very happy and fruitful life ahead, until then you will be fumbling around trying to point and blame or saying nothing. Two cents is better than no sense.
All you need is a to be humble and listen cause the silence is screaming for resoultion. Whether you junk it or fix it, it’s your choice.
depends on whats the issue is. if he’s out there cheating on you it’s time for a divorce. if he’s taking your covers every night it’s time to get a new blanket. if it’s drugs then it’s time for a talk and go. (disassociation) If they aint got time for you it’s time to get new freinds. If you cant pay the bills it’s time for a smaller house. Love is the most complicated emotion that God has created. I understand what it’s like to be ignored by a loved one and i have emapathy for you. I drank about it ,cried about it,and passed out about it. I was a terrible alcoholic and am now recovering. There are those days when stress urges me to drink, but I know that if Ido I will receive the silent treatment. Silent treatment can be a useful tool. Either you love me and we stay together or you don’t and you go away. I don’t understand why woman want to always express emotions about everything that upsets them. As a man I was taught to not kick a dead horse. You can’t change the past you can only invision the future. So why dwell in the past, move forward and be happy. We only have one life to live let’s make it a good one. The lady with the kids not calling on her bday.You should tell them that what they are doingit hurts. Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to understand the pain they cause onto others. You can’t feel someone else’s pain. You have to let them know and if you have and they don’t channge then it’s time to adopt new kids. I believe that a pully system sums up human emotions very nicely Theresa. By the way barrings is spelled b e a r i n g s. I knew what you meant though. lol I hope that all of you had a merry christmas and a happy new year!
Well, I’m just going to throw my own experience in here, if for no other reason than I think I’ll feel better if I do. I have been married for 24 years. My wife and I are raising two really incredible children. When things are going smoothly, I can’t be happier. Over the years, my wife has given me the silent treatment. It is something I dread. And I think I can fairly say “dread” because I can almost predict when the treatment will begin; nearly every 9 or 10 weeks. Now, I am admittedly not the most romantic person in the world – as my wife likes to say, I do not speak her love language. So, I definitely deserved to be on the receiving end of my wife’s anger, especially in the early years of our marriage. However, I have made many changes to facilitate a better relationship; more frequent complimenting, words of affirmation (not my term), date nights. But I’m still not perfect. As the years have passed, it seems that despite my changes, I’m still eliciting the same silent treatment response when she gets upset. And despite my attempts to figure out what is triggering the more recent silent treatment episodes, my wife seems less able to describe any particular event that has caused her anger; now, it is couched in terms like, “I’m so tired of going over this again” or “you don’t get it” or “it’s how you treat me generally, you compliment the kids more than me.” And then, silent treatment, no eye contact, for days and weeks. Then, one day, things will seemingly be better for another 9 weeks or so. Recently, I try to have weekly talks to see if I am doing anything that she is harboring an ill will about, just to see if I can cut off the eventual blow up before it occurs. And I am assured that I am doing much better, or that she knows she can be difficult, and there is nothing to worry about. The result is that I am much more guarded in my relationship with her. I hate that the kids experience the collateral damage of the silent treatment I receive, as it really disrupts the entire family harmony. And I can’t seem to break the cycle. More importantly, I don’t know how to stop the silent treatment. It’s maddening. Ok, well thank you for providing a forum where I can rant. This probably made no sense at all, but it was therapeutic for me to talk about it with those who are involved in it. Thanks.
Perfect sense. I’ve been married for 15 years. I know the cycle well. Predictable yes. I have about a 50% chance of reacting in a way that ends it.
He is finally starting to seek help for himself. We are better for it.
My peace to you and encouragement.
Angie
Thank you Angie, I appreciate your kind words. Present situation: Last week, my wife instrusted me not to “address her.” As things progressed, I think she began using more aggressive techniques to alter my behavior in order to make the silent treatment more effective. For example, my kids and I have a very close relationship. My daughter (12) came over and sat with me on the couch and began reading a book. We were just quietly sitting there, she reading her book and leaning against me, and me watching television. I work long hours, so these types of moments are extremely important to me. After about 15 minutes, my wife instructed my daughter to get up and do some inane chore. When my daughter left the room, my wife came over and told me to stop trying to be the world’s greatest father, as if I was manipulating the situation to irritate her. That, honestly, could not be farther from the truth. In essence, my wife is setting the parameters for the rest of the family’s interaction. Since then, I have tried to stay out of the general family environment because my kids become victims of her anger towards me. And of course, those were the last words she has said to me, nor has she acknowledged me in any way except through the kids, who she’ll send down to the basement to communicate with me if something needs to be fixed or done in the house. My question is this: is my assumption that removing myself from her environment will eventually improve the situation a good strategy, or am I making the situation worse? Our prior counselor asked me why I always think I have to make things better when my wife is angry, that I should let her go through her anger period before I attempt to open communications. Is that right? It doesn’t feel like it is very effective, but I have to admit she doesn’t yet appear ready to discuss anything with me. My fear is that in this separation, she is reinforcing her anger and thus the situation is being prolonged. Maybe it’s my inability to be patient enough, or to appear as though I can handle these episodes. Truly, it is one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered, both because of the silent treatment’s effectiveness at separating the target from the rest of the family, and because of its duration. Thanks.
Steve,
It sounds like you have a fairly well balanced awareness of the situations and their patterns. That’s definitely what you need as a foundation. I have some thoughts for you, from my own marriage and will compose and post. I have a work crew here at the moment because a pipe broke and flooded the lower part of the house a couple of days ago… but I am compelled to at least try to impart some information to you that I found life changing in my own experiences.
Find your place of peace today, and keep your focus on your kids. They are learning a very damaging pattern and you’re in a position to be the one who stops the cycle from continuing into their adult relationships.
My compassion to you, and resilience. I’ll write more when I can.
Steve: How to stop the silent treatment – stop paying attention to it. Talk to her, carry on the conversation, as if she were responding. Ignore her hostility. And call her out on her behaviors, matter of fact and tactfully. Don’t point fingers, blame, or guilt. Simply state where responsibility is and where it isn’t being properly tended to.
“Wife (insert name), from what I can tell, you’ve entered into the cycle where you’ve decided the best way for you to handle your thoughts and feelings is to shut me out of your inner world, to go silent, and to attempt to drive me away/drive a wedge between us until I figure out what has insulted or injured you, apologize for it, realize my errors, and validate your feelings. I love you, I care about you, I don’t want to hurt you or for you to hurt or feel insulted. When you are able to talk without needing to hurt me or retaliate, please find a way to let me know. Until then, I will continue to openly communicate to you my responses to your behaviors and actions. Additionally, I will allow our children to become aware of exactly what is going on here, making sure they know they are not at fault, and not to be pulled into the game, or to take sides without even realizing it. It is important they understand that their parents are not perfect, and that we (the parents) are growing and learning as we go too. If being this open and exposed with all who live in this house is upsetting or threatening to you, I would encourage you to tell me about it, but in writing, as you have chosen to not speak with me currently.”
______________________________________________________________
Additionally… since I suspect my next thought will offend the previous commenter, I wish to offer in advance that I mean no insult, but refuse to hide the truth in the name of political correctness, or other like concept.
The comment that Tiffany left seems to be missing some of the thought she was trying to communicate, so I can’t quite formulate the response I wish to… Suffice it to say, based on what little is described, I think Tiffany’s response indicates a misunderstanding (or perhaps lack of understanding) of how people who struggle in this group of disorder actually function (or dysfunction, as it were). Steve isn’t communicating a selfish or myopic point of view in any of his correspondence. Further, his simple awareness of his daughter’s needs at this stage of her development (I could write a complete volume on this subject alone) for that very recognition (in him) of her, is astounding and quite telling of the sort of father he is.
He isn’t raising a princess that requires a man to do nothing but dote upon her, having no concept that he, himself, might have needs. He is raising a girl, who has a father that seems to be aware that right now, she needs him and his involvement and recognition of her in order for her to develop a solid sense of self, sense of value and worth, sense of feminine, and of autonomy. If she is granted this by her father, in love and sincerity, she will gain a foundation that will remain for her entire adulthood, especially within her relationships (with men and women).
His honesty, reflection, courage to admit imperfection, communicated (at least) willingness to be open to self-improvement, and his ability to recognize the good, appreciate the great, and manage to struggle through the bad, is a living example of a man whose title is actually warranted.
Our society has, in its attempt at raising women to a level of equal respect and acknowledgement, somehow managed to completely destroy the same value in reverse. We no longer uphold our men, appreciate them for their unique qualities (that differ and yet perfectly balance out those of the opposite gender), or encourage them to thrive in their way. We have lost something of great worth, in our effort to gain the same. The saddest part is that now, neither side is actually respected, cherished, or fully appreciated for the value and balance it brings to the other.
We have inadvertently created a generation of women who see men as less than, as inferior… and these women have raised a generation, and continue to raise the next generation of men who will be grouped into the categories that fall within the context of this site. While, at the same time, the women who sit within this category were likely raised in a home where their father, if present, DID NOT notice them as they needed in their various developmental stages. If he did, it was to point out their flaws and inferiorities, or that of their mother. It is much more complex than this, but you get the idea.
Steve’s wife is hurting (inside), and she is hurting (others, outside). She is not rational when she’s in a cycle/episode. Her needs are very real, and as legitimate as anyone who doesn’t struggle with what is described in depth on this forum. Therein lies the art of discernment that the partner must possess. And the complexity of the solution.
))))))))))))))))))
Here is something that might be of use in growing the ability to discern:
What are the Indications of Passive Aggressive Traits?
Passive aggressive traits in men are generally seen as a procrastinate approach towards the task assigned to them. They have a careless attitude towards deadlines. They follow their own time schedules and routines, without caring for those who want their work to be done in a different way or at least on time.
Passive aggressive people often feel themselves to be oppressed by others. According to them, they are the innocent victims of other’s unfair treatments. The matter gets even worse when they find people around them upset because of their behavior.
A common symptom that is noticed in people suffering from passive aggressive traits is that they keep devising ways to catch others attention. For example, they hardly come on time to any party, social gathering or even a date. They want others to wait for them and give them importance.
It is observed that passive aggressive people often indulge in fights with their near and dear ones. They, actually, invent ways to start quarrels with a close friend or a relative. This is because, they fear intimacy. They are afraid of getting too intimate with others.
Passive aggressive traits in women and children is marked by a fear of taking responsibilities and incumbency. They want to live their lives on their own terms and want to be actually free from any sort of boundedness and subjection. You will often find them making excuses for not completing any task with their forgetfulness and weak memory.
Another common fear shown by passive aggressive people is the dread of dependency on others. In order to beat such trepidation, they try to bring others under their control and command.
Ambiguous behavior is again a common symptom shown by the sufferers of passive aggressive traits. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand the meaning or significance of their speech and behavior.
Passive aggressive traits victims rarely hold themselves responsible for any wrong deed that they actually have done. Most of the times, they are found to blame others for the things that go wrong because of them. And the worse, they want others to be punished for their baseless obligations.
People suffering from passive aggressive traits are found switching between hostile rebelliousness and contrition. They keep on making exaggerated and persistent complaints of their misfortune. They are often sullen and argumentative. You can also read more on mental illness symptoms.
By the way, I think I’m successful at stemming this response about 50% of the time as well. I never really thought of it statistically, I’ve always just been relieved that we didn’t go down this road. For the 50% where I haven’t been successful, I don’t know if there could have been anything done that would have stopped the silent treatment. Therefore, I think there is almost a need for some to use the silent treatment; while you might be able to delay the response, you are not really going to be successful in the long run. I guess you have to come to the conclusion that the person giving the treatment needs to re-establish that control over you, and then you have to decide whether to respond by being overly passive in order to confirm the feeling of control earlier or respond more aggressively and try to use logic or common sense to show that person how destructive and unhelpful that response really is. Again, I don’t know. I obviously have not been overly successful at dealing with it. I’m just throwing it out there, and appreciate the opportunity to do so.
Steve, It seems to me that your wife is ratcheting up her efforts to control you. She seems to believe that the silent treatment she gives you is not successful enough. The fact that she wants her children away from you tells me that she is trying to “punish” you. I don’t think you should worry about whether you are “successful” in stemming the response. Her behavior is her choice. Her behavior says she cannot give and take. She has to be in charge of you and if her control is threatened she “pouts.” She may believe that you are not feeling enough of the intended effects of her efforts. Thus, she involves the other family members. You are right to just be yourself. You are right to stay out of her way. But in doing those things you may be telling her that her ST is not having the intended effect. Is she jealous of your relationship with your children? Does she give the children the silent treatment, too?
Does she ever really discuss the reason for her behavior when she talks to you again? When I was given the silent treatment and he began talking again, I would ask what the behavior was about and ask to discuss it. The response was there was nothing to talk about and everything was fine.
My ex was a master at this behavior, but not a master at receiving it. A couple times I was so angry at his ignoring me, that I didn’t speak to him after he had been out of town for half a day; he blamed the children for my behavior. It took everything I could muster to give him this treatment because it is so averse to what I believe in, but it gave me an insight into why he behaved so. He did it to control me. When I asked him how it felt to be “ignored,” he said I must have been really mad at the children. He had not spoken to me for a week before he went out of town, so I thought that he might understand when he got back if he received some of his own treatment. NOT!
From years of receiving this behavior and knowing others in my own family who practice this awful mental cruelty, I don’t think the practitioners of the silent treatment will ever change. They know what they are doing. When they are confronted, they blame someone else, or turn up the burner on their behavior. So sad.
Don’t take responsibilty for making things better. This is your problem only to the extent that you are affected by your wife’s behavior. She is responsible for her own behavior and for withholding love when she is angry.
I haven’t had time to compose much yet, but I want to respectfully disagree with the last post in that none of the responsibility lies with the recipient. That aside, the thing is, unless the recipient desires a termination of the relationship, there are things that can be done on their end to help the situation.
While it is absolutely true that the wife’s behavior is her own, she is not likely malicious (or if she were, intentionally, there would never be “good” or “great” interludes). She is not equipped to emotionally handle life and the relationship in a healthy manner, however.
Those who use this behavior often do not ever change. Many of them don’t ever come to the realization that something in them is missing either – that something that others who don’t resort to this pattern aren’t missing. But, those that do become aware, and have a genuine love for their partner/family/etc., often make the choice within themselves to seek help (read: tools and knowledge of what is missing, and how to function in a better way) and they do make the choice to change. I’m married to a man that has done exactly that.
We’re never perfect, we all have our tendencies and quirks, but where emotional manipulation is present, usually there is also emotional instability and insecurity, often to the extreme. Something taught this woman to use this technique. The key is to find out what.
Steve, I wonder if you have ever discovered, during a silent treatment session, what it was (the root) that set her off for that particular session. If so, have you bluntly “addressed” her with the information and stated your request to review the incident in an open manner that makes it better for all? Often times, the silent treatment is a manifestation of a game. The game is control, but the reason the need for control is there in the first place is due to fear of it being lost. Usually, bullies need to terrorize others to prove they’re superior, but why do they need to prove it? Because they’re insecure in knowing their own worth. This same line of thinking typically enters into the scenario when you’re talking about a chronic emotionally withdrawing partner.
Steve, your comments seem open and genuine. You are seeking a solution because, my bet anyway is, you love your wife and your family. You have struggled through this far, so I wonder if you’re ready to throw in the towel, or ready to stop the hurt and solve the problem. I was and am the latter. Though I have my days of wavering strength… and my moods that he has to tolerate just as I have to tolerate his. In my marriage, we have become mutually aware of the difficulty and no blame is thrown around, no diminishing, and a very up front declaration of the awareness that using words to hurt is wrong. (She used the “best father in the universe” line to hurt you. She is hurt… she may or may not realize it, and she can’t deal with it. Maybe you hurt her, maybe she just got insulted by something you never intended for her to receive in such a way.. Silent Treatment givers are world class grudge holders. It could be just about anything, but she needs to hurt you in retaliation because she doesn’t possess the emotional tools, maturity, or security to function differently.)
I believe, at the root, most people do not intend to harm. Many however, are selfishly focused, for a myriad of reasons, some rooted in their upbringing (or lack thereof) and others just due to human nature and their temperament. Unless you want a divorce, you can’t just sit there with it being her responsibility. Marriage isn’t one sided, no matter how much it maybe should be sometimes. That’s not to say you must allow yourself to be continually abused, but there are methods to prevent it from reaching you. You cannot and should not even attempt to control her, but your reactions are your own, and you have the opportunity to change and grow, and you never know who (in your family) might follow your lead.
It kills me to hear the hurt and anger in the many responses here. It’s so integrated with the emotional self that most cannot disassociate. However, as with any malfunction of the body or mind, often, the only possible path to a solution and healing is to step back, become objective, open one’s eyes to what was not seen before because of the close proximity (in other words, gain the whole picture instead of what is right in front of you), and make the choice to learn, to fail, to grow, and to, in the end, exist in the beauty of the love that is there, when everything is “good”. – Not everyone will understand what I have just said here because they’ve never experienced love at that level, but I have. Those of you who do understand, know this: There is hope and a solution, if both parties become and remain continually willing to implement.
Ok.. off my soap box.
Steve, if you have any interest in conversing further, send me an email (use the link that is my name on this post).
Elleke:
Thank you for your observations, which I believe are correct. To answer one of your questions, I do believe she is jealous of my relationship with our kids, only based upon her comments. For example, last weekend we were at a resort while my son was playing in a tournament. Both my wife and my 12 year old daughter got pedicures. I initially complimented my daugher on her pedicure, and my wife quickly commented how she had also gotten a pedicure, but I had not complimented her as well. I mean, a 12 year old might enjoy having her dad notice her pedicure (as a 48 year old woman might), but to actually step in and point out, in front of our daughter, that I had not recognized her pedicure as well seemed incredibly insecure. Once we returned home, and just prior to her most recent silent treatment exercise, she commented that I compliment the kids more than I do her. Am I guilty of that? I may very well be to a certain extent, but I also believe that children tend to need compliments of that nature more than adults do, especially coming from their parents. At the same time, I realize that me wife expects that same level of affirmation, and in that regard I may not be as liberal with my comments as I should be. That’s not to say that I don’t tell her I love her frequently, because I do, but it is the other areas that I seem to fall short. And no, to answer your other question, she never gives our kids the silent treatment. Finally, I do agree that her silent treatment is kind of hybrid. She will punctuate it with words or actions meant to further separate me from the family activities or my kids. It is very effective at isolating me from the very thing I work all week to achieve – some time with my family.
Hi Steve,
I’ve been keeping an eye on your posts and you do seem to have a good grasp of your situation. What struck me about your last comment hit me close to home, because that is what I do. Your wife blindsides you about this pedicure thing – that you’re not giving her the same compliments as you did for your daughter – and it made you question your own knowledge about whether or not you should have made a big deal about it, or whether or not you were guilty of not recognizing its importance. No matter what way you look at it, you felt like you were forced to analyze why you weren’t “as liberal with your comments as you should be”. It made you question yourself. That’s it in a nutshell. You know what? It’s not about a pedicure, or you having quality time with your daughter. It wouldn’t matter what you did. If you’re not involved in some kind of self turmoil regarding whether or not what you might have done might or might not have changed how your wife reacted, then she’s not getting what she wants. And you know what else? At least is my case, this doesn’t happen consistently all the time. One day, something might set him off, and on another day, the same thing might not. This just serves to keep you off balance.
In my relationship, it’s almost as if he has to do this despite everything that’s going on with me. Like you said, there’s this weird timeline to it. I’ll be all happy and feeling great, and when he comes home and I see this look in his eye, I just know that no matter what, he’ll make something out of anything he can come up with. I’ve been married to him for sixteen years, and I have yet to totally stem the tide of the bitter internal turmoil I go through (What did I do? What could I have done better? How can I make him happy again? etc., etc., etc.,) It took me a long time to realize that there is nothing I can do or could have done. It’s all about him. Maybe it was about his day, or just some weird insecurity – I’m never privy to that, but when he’s in this space, it seems to make him feel better to just dump on me.
At that point he attributes motives to me that are just ludicrous, he accuses me of stuff that just never happened – but no matter how much justification I give, it only serves to make him madder. Because you know what? I’m just feeding it when I do that.
But it really has nothing to do with me. Just like it’s all about your wife, and not you.
Jill, you said, “It made you question yourself. That’s it in a nutshell. You know what? It’s not about a pedicure, or you having quality time with your daughter. It wouldn’t matter what you did. If you’re not involved in some kind of self turmoil regarding whether or not what you might have done might or might not have changed how your wife reacted, then she’s not getting what she wants….This just serves to keep you off balance.”
You’re dead on. Now, take exactly that and turn it around. “It wouldn’t matter what you did. If you’re not involved in some kind of self turmoil regarding whether or not what you might have done might or might not have changed how your wife reacted, then she’s not getting what she wants”
Steve, Jill, others… your partners are in constant inner turmoil, and their only relief is if you’ll experience it (for or with) them. They struggle because they’re missing the links that hold them together emotionally, and make it so they can function consistently.
And compassion is a very powerful emotion.
Listen to Angie – she knows what she’s talking about.
SIGH… this is all new to me. Until 3 years ago… I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Since meeting, and moving in with so called boyfriend, I now know better.
I honestly thought I was loosing it. It seems like the only smart thing to do is leave. Get out. How does one do that when they still care, but now knows that after 3 years…it’s not likely to change.
God, I am so lost. It really is hard on ones self worth.
Read your words. Read them with compassion and gentleness. Your answers are there in your questions.
The most compelling and difficult aspect of being in a relationship with someone who struggles with these patterns is that you genuinely care for them, and when they’re not in their cycle, they show the same for you. Logic and reason stand in the middle, to say nothing of true emotion.
Things only change when the person who is missing what needs to be developed decide to seek the education, tools, and do the work to develop the ability to be emotionally functional. Your choice is how long you are willing to wait.
These patterns are terribly damaging to your self worth, confidence, and esteem. That is precisely accurate. There is a reason for this: The person demonstrating the patterns struggles desperately with their own self esteem, belief of their worth, and confidence in their ability to handle life, and sometimes even their own worthiness of being loved. Often, they will struggle with feeling like they are not worthy of your love, and then in an about face move, they’ll blame you for making them angry/hurt/______ (fill in the blank with whatever your partner typically resorts to – if you are with them long enough, there will be only a few, though each time the theme will be flavored slightly different in hopes to keep you chewing…)
It really comes down to your love for this person, your inner resilience and support system, and your ability to flatly state your concern, your position, and then give them the space to decide whether they are willing to recognize and fix the situation within themselves. If you inform them of your willingness to “go through the valley” with them, but that they must lead the journey, then you must prepare yourself, and doing so means you become very, very selfless. This is where the support system is crucial, because it is illogical for you to have to put yourself aside so significantly and doing so will hurt you (this is the self worth aspect) if you try to do it without the proper support. Even if you are made out of steel; you are not impermeable or you wouldn’t be able to love.
Not in every situation, but in many, if you are willing to disassociate and step back, willing to become aware of your partner and his/her pain, struggles, and areas that are either distorted/damaged or entirely missing as far as how emotion is processed, then you have taken step one. Step two: Educate yourself. Step three: Educate yourself some more. Step four: Decide and don’t waver. Step five: Remind yourself you’re not going to waver, whatever your decision was (stay/leave) until a significant change in your partner is seen (that doesn’t mean a change for the better – just a significant change). – See how this works whichever way you decide…
Step six: Talk to someone who gets this stuff, because they’re educated and NOT emotionally associated with you or your partner, or family/friends that either of you know.
Step seven: Remember your love, your heart, and find your value in who and what you are, not what your partner demonstrates they think of you. In painful moments, they are not demonstrating what they think of you, but instead, what they think of themselves, with your face cutout and stuck to those feelings because it’s either easier/able to be coped with in their head, or because they’re completely blinded by their own struggles.
I will offer again – the person who creates, uses, and returns to these types of patterns (and they go way beyond the silent treatment, which cannot be wrapped into a nice little box because it reaches far beyond, whether or not you’re aware of it) is one that has been severely hurt, damaged and/or was prevented the opportunity to develop the necessary and healthy abilities to process emotion safely, confidently, and in an undistorted manner.
Gentleness to your soul tonight, find the inside of you, and be still while you listen.
Angie, I have no idea who you are in the real world, but I want to thank you for what you write. Your words are the most wise I have ever read! I started reading this on Friday last week and since then, have done a lot of soul searching and have left the relationship that I was in in which I experienced the silent treatment. THis is because I believe that the man I love will never be able to let go of this cycle of behaviour for reasons of his own. He has a level of self knowledge but seems unwilling to make the next step of healing. I thought for five years that I was big enough and strong enough to help him. I thought that the power of my love would break through the wall and we could both be happy. He often said that I was the only person who could stand him in an intimate relationship and that he loved me for that. But in the end the strain got to me and he saw that and that made him angrier still, that he was the source of my tension and then as you said, blamed me for upsetting him ‘because you know what I am like’. Well yes I did and I do and I have to walk away because I was being damaged too. Every now and then I would have to get away and unload on my family and friends and feel awful pain and sadness and the go back. I was in the cycle too. Now I have to break it before it poisons any more of my years. I have to accept that there were beautiful times. closeness and love and trust too, but that in the end it could go nowhere as we never made any real progress. Thank you again for your incredible advice. I have taken it and decided I am not big enough to love this man anymore.
STeve -
Did you ever consider that yes, your wife DOES want you to think about things, but that that is her entire goal? Isn’t it a very seflish and myopic view point to judge her as “just wanting attention” when you may be foring her into a situation by your own judgemental stance towards her that she feels isn’t right for your children? The best thing children can see is a loving, sweet sweep her off her feet kind of dad and are you really setting that example for your daughter in YOUR behavior towards your wife so that your daughter grows up with a healthy expectation of what sort of man it’s going to take to make her happy set by your example, or are you showing her the love it is to be a ‘daddy’s girl’? Frued and his patients were out of their minds on cociane when he decided everyone harbors an odepeuis complex are you *really* day in and day out giving the management and long term health of your family 100% of yourself, your intelligence, and your ability?
Using manipulation and diminishing to cause another to pay attention to you is, as one who functions normally emotionally might expect, not “right”.
Steve,
You are a man who is brave, patient, and though I know nothing of you, one who questions himself. People who struggle with what your wife struggles with are only able to continue in their patterns because of the effectiveness of their tactics – that being, they are able to make you doubt yourself. They doubt themselves immensely and either need constant reinforcement, or the opposite, they need “space” because anything more intense than bland is overwhelming to them.
This sort of person is not able to function emotionally at the same level as one who doesn’t behave this way, but is able to be genuine, emotionally confident, communicate clearly and with an inner courage that is derived from a solid self esteem.
Your wife does not fit in this category.
Please, for your sanity, emotional existence, and the health and benefit of your children now and in their future, locate a therapist and talk. Educate yourself. Know that there is a solution, but it’s a complex one.
My heart aches. Don’t doubt your love, your strength, or your fathering abilities. It’s not you. It’s not you. But, she, and your kids need you. So, find a therapist who can teach you what you need to know to cope, and maybe your wife will decide it’s time to learn what it means to actually live in the freedom that love can bring – love of herself, love of you and your kids, and your love for her.
Additionally… since I don’t care whether my input annoys anyone (in case that isn’t obvious yet), the comment that Tiffany left seems to be missing some of the thought she was trying to communicate, so I can’t quite formulate the response I wish to…
Suffice it to say, based on what little is described, I think Tiffany’s response indicates a misunderstanding (or perhaps lack of understanding) of how people with this group of disorder function. Steve isn’t communicating a selfish or myopic point of view in any of his correspondence. Further, his simple awareness of his daughter’s needs at this stage of her development (I could write a complete volume on this subject alone) for that very awareness (in him) of her, is astounding and quite telling of the sort of father he is.
His honesty, reflection, courage to admit imperfection, communicated (at least) willingness to be open to self-improvement, and his ability to recognize the good, appreciate the great, and manage to struggle through the bad, is a living example of a man whose title is actually warranted.
Our society has, in its attempt at raising women to a level of equal respect and acknowledgement, somehow managed to completely destroy the same value in reverse. We no longer uphold our men, appreciate them for their unique qualities (that differ and yet perfectly balance out those of the opposite gender), or encourage them to thrive in their way. We have lost something of great worth, in our effort to gain the same.
We have inadvertently created a generation of women who see men as less than, as inferior… and these women have raised a generation, and continue to raise the next generation of men who will be grouped into the categories that fall within the context of this site. While, at the same time, the women who sit within this category were likely raised in a home where their father, if present, DID NOT notice them as they needed in their various developmental stages. If he did, it was to point out their flaws and inferiorities. It is much more complex than this, but you get the idea.
Steve’s wife is hurting (inside), and she is hurting (others). She is not rational when she’s in a cycle/episode. Her needs are very real, and as legitimate as anyone who doesn’t struggle with what is described in depth on this forum. Therein lies the art of discernment that the partner must possess. And the complexity of the solution.
))))))))))))))))))
Here is something that might be of use in growing the ability to discern:
What are the Indications of Passive Aggressive Traits?
Passive aggressive traits in men are generally seen as a procrastinate approach towards the task assigned to them. They have a careless attitude towards deadlines. They follow their own time schedules and routines, without caring for those who want their work to be done in a different way or at least on time.
Passive aggressive people often feel themselves to be oppressed by others. According to them, they are the innocent victims of other’s unfair treatments. The matter gets even worse when they find people around them upset because of their behavior.
A common symptom that is noticed in people suffering from passive aggressive traits is that they keep devising ways to catch others attention. For example, they hardly come on time to any party, social gathering or even a date. They want others to wait for them and give them importance.
It is observed that passive aggressive people often indulge in fights with their near and dear ones. They, actually, invent ways to start quarrels with a close friend or a relative. This is because, they fear intimacy. They are afraid of getting too intimate with others.
Passive aggressive traits in women and children is marked by a fear of taking responsibilities and incumbency. They want to live their lives on their own terms and want to be actually free from any sort of boundedness and subjection. You will often find them making excuses for not completing any task with their forgetfulness and weak memory.
Another common fear shown by passive aggressive people is the dread of dependency on others. In order to beat such trepidation, they try to bring others under their control and command.
Ambiguous behavior is again a common symptom shown by the sufferers of passive aggressive traits. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand the meaning or significance of their speech and behavior.
Passive aggressive traits victims rarely hold themselves responsible for any wrong deed that they actually have done. Most of the times, they are found to blame others for the things that go wrong because of them. And the worse, they want others to be punished for their baseless obligations.
People suffering from passive aggressive traits are found switching between hostile rebelliousness and contrition. They keep on making exaggerated and persistent complaints of their misfortune. They are often sullen and argumentative. You can also read more on mental illness symptoms.
I have wasted the last 18 months of my life with an emotional abuser who gave me the silent treatment. I have always been a confident and down to earth person, happy to spend time with myself or with my many friends and family. This last year I have been manipulated, controlled and been given the silent treatment because I haven’t been able to foresee what I have been doing wrong to cause these episodes. it had taken me a long time to realise that nothing would have made him happy.
I am just lucky that he wasn’t able to conpletely bully me into submission. Most of last year i spent trying to keep the peace. I ended up being berated for wanting to see my kids, my mum, my friends. I even was taken to task if a male colleague spoke to me at work. Yep you guessed it. I made the stupid mistake of getting involved with a guy in my office. He was even jealous of my students and implied the teacher/student rapport I had was inappropriate. He monitored my emails, phone messages and several times gave me the silent treatment when he had read them. I got into trouble if I received a message or phone call.I got into trouble if I went to the supermarket without him knowing. I got into trouble after a shopping spree with my daughter. He got so annoyed when I said I was going to go out with my daughter to celebrate the end of her exams that he was going to go off on our holiday without me and wasn’t happy until I cancelled it. He ended up causing trouble for me at school and telling my bosses about us. But I will not leave and will cope with that.
He manipulated situations so that I doubted what I had done and questioned mself butI now know my initial recollections were correct and he was lying. He called me a whore when i said i wanted to go see the kids then days later denied he had said it. then said i was the one who made him so angry and he couldnt help that. He said he couldn’t help it if he was a possessive and jealous person. He would always accuse me of being unfaithful.
He wanted us to move far away from all the people I knew and my work. To the outside world he was wonderful.Some of the other work colleagues did not like him though and said he was self centred. In fact I wish that he was still my friend but only a friend because he is so nice like that.
His silent treatments and the rest of his abuse
I am sure caused me to be continually sick last year. I also could not concentrate well and really struggled to keep it all together at work. I got so tired I just wanted him to make all the decisions for me but I still went to see my kids whenever I could. He would find out and it would start again. He even tried to control me seeing students I had for private tuition. In the end I just wanted to give him all my money because he is addicted to money and gave me the Silent treatment because I couldn’t sell my house fast enough and according to him that meant I wasn’t committed to the relationship.
I was thinking to myself at the time that I would only ever be free if i gave him this money and I could walk away. he got mad if i put sugar in my coffee but every night he had a dessert with cream on top.
In the end I couldn’t think straight and ran away with nothing one night and wanted to end it all and even thoughts of how my kids would feel werent having an effect on me. I went back home and all he had been worried about was whether he was going to have to talk to police if something had happened. I explained to him that his treatment was really affecting me but he did it again a week later. I said If he would “let” me see the kids and run my day I would come home happy to him. ( see I actually said “if you let me…” he was restricting my freedom)
So I ended up living in the bedroom and just coming out to go to the bathroom or cook dinner. Unfortunately I had to work with him so this was very difficult as he just ignored me there and was losing it and beginning to behave badly. After two weeks of this and having asked him a few times if he was going to continue not talking to me I decided I couldnt see it through for much longer.So I left him and had to put up with him at work. it was very difficult because I just wanted to work on our relationship and now felt as if I would go crazy if I was alone. I was so scared and still tried to keep the peace. I wanted him to make the final decision as he blamed me for us not working because I had left.He ignored that I had said his behaviour and his silent treatment was destroying me.
I wanted him to think he was the one making the final decisions so I went back once and told him I would do anything he wanted, not see the kids, have no phone, internet at home, move away with him if he would give us another chance but he said no and pushed me out the door. I got in the car felt a lot of relief and sang all the way home.
I still found it extremely difficult and would still try to talk to him. He has now moved to another school and so can at least get my life back there this year.
On the last day of school we had a Christmas break up and I was trying to talk to him but he was very surly and was telling me that hw had had no choice but to move jobs and implying that it would be my fault if things did not go well at his new school.
Another teacher came to talk to me and gave me a Christmas hug and because of this he sent me several abusive phone messages accusing me of being a whore etc. We were no longer together then but he still felt he owned me. I tried to keep talk to him but he gave me the silent treatment again.
I still tried to kept in contact over the holidays as he kept saying that I was the one and that he was devastated and that he wasn’t sleeping and that his life was ruined and that he was contemplating ending it all. I contacted him just before christmas and he was going to spend it alone and he wasnt happy to hear from me.(He has few friends and none of his family are speaking with him) On New year’s day I contacted him to say that I would pay some of his rent because even though I hadn’t lived with him since september and I had paid my half until the end of november he still wanted me to pay half. Now I don’t owe him anything and after seeing a psychologist and reading a lot I am getting over it all. I really do not think he will ever change. I am feeling better but need to stop the urge to contact him to make sure he is OK. So the silent treatment was a part of a whole series of behaviours but I approached these other behaviours as a puzzle to be worked out and resolved. The silent treatment did not allow this so our relationship could not be improved. It made me feel like a nobody. It meant that by the time I could recover from it something woud happen and it would start again. The silent treatment was making me sink to depths of despair I have never felt. My life last year was full of confusion, bewilderment,and physically weakness. It made a confident, well educated and optimistic life loving person suicidal and self harming. If I hadnt been such an independent person before I met him i would either be dead or a non-person by now. I still feel guity but am getting better every day. I will never be the me of before though. I will always be grateful that i was subjected to this treatment for a relatively short time of my life. I feel very anxious and upset when I think of people enduring this treatment for long periods of their lives. Get out as soon as you can. You do not deserve this treatment.
Lisa,
it is the most difficult thing to make the decision to leave. You have invested so much of yourself in the relationship.You grieve over the person you thought you knew, the person you wish he was, the relationship you wanted. The time you have spent just trying to cope with his madness. The silent treatments and the other behaviours will not stop, unless he decides he needs help. It is deep inside him to resort to these behaviours.
You need to look at what you can gain by leaving- yourself, your freedom and the right to a peaceful life, the right to be yourself. Plan it very carefully. Find your friends, family and a psychologist. Plan it so that you will have plenty of people around you to do lots of things with for a while. You will feel panicky and terrified of being alone.
You will have an irresistable urge to make contact with him to check to see if he is ok, just to hear his voice,to drive by and check up on him to try again etc. Try to curb this or at least if you must then try to make it longer each time before the next contact. So a few days, then a week then ten days or something like that. Everytime you feel yourself weaken spend some time reading literature about the silent treatment and people’s life experiences so that you don’t feel it is you being selfish or that you haven’t tried hard enough. You will feel that perhaps you could try again, try harder, change things. Remember he has to change himself. You have already tried to change yourself to make life normal with him and it hasn’t worked. Read about it to confirm again and again and again that you are not alone with this experience and that you are doing the right thing.
Also remember this:
You will feel like you are going crazy and losing your mind. You will feel like you cannot even get through a normal day and it is very hard to keep your concentration. You will feel like you don’t have the energy and it’s easier to go back to him. Try to give yourself lots of little tasks to do. Tell yourself you have reached the bottom and the only way is up. Be very clinical about getting through the days. Plan them like a campaign. You are
BUT you will get a bit better every week. You will rediscover the things you were interested in before but haven’t had time to look at because you have been so busy trying to cope with all this anxiety, cruelty and manipulation and bad behaviour.
Gradually you will start to find yourself and again be confortable spending time with yourself AND more importantly actually liking yourself again. Remember when you could happily spend a day with everyone out of the house just being with yourself? That will come back. You will still miss the person you wished he was. It is hard to come to accept that he is not that person.
You will start to sleep better and feel calmer.
You can’t do this well on your own. So plan ahead find your friends and family. Tell them what you are planning to do and how you need their help.Tell your doctor. Talk to a psychologist. Join anything you might be interested in.
I am working hard everyday. It’s getting easier and I am liking my rather ordinary life. I am still sad and really pissed off at him for not being what he appeared to be at the start. He can’t help it or can’t until he decides he can and it’s not up to me to fix him. I am not to blame for his feelings and urges and cruelty and selfishness. Either are you.
How to stop the silent treatment – stop paying attention to it. Talk to her, carry on the conversation, as if she were responding. Ignore her hostility. And call him/her out on her behaviors, speak fact and do so tactfully, respectfully. Don’t point fingers, blame, or guilt. Simply state where responsibility is and where it isn’t being properly tended to.
“Wife/Husband (insert name), from what I can tell, you’ve entered into the cycle where you’ve decided the best way for you to handle your thoughts and feelings is to shut me out of your inner world, to go silent, and to attempt to drive me away/drive a wedge between us until I figure out what has insulted or injured you, apologize for it, realize my errors, and validate your feelings. I love you, I care about you, I don’t want to hurt you or for you to hurt or feel insulted. When you are able to talk without needing to hurt me or retaliate, please find a way to let me know. Until then, I will continue to openly communicate to you my responses to your behaviors and actions. Additionally, I will allow our children to become aware of exactly what is going on here, making sure they know they are not at fault, and not to be pulled into the game, or to take sides without even realizing it. It is important they understand that their parents are not perfect, and that we (the parents) are growing and learning as we go too. If being this open and exposed with all who live in this house is upsetting or threatening to you, I would encourage you to tell me about it, but in writing, as you have chosen to not speak with me currently.”
______________________________________________________________
Additionally… what I revised and managed to not get submitted, is
Since I suspect my next thought will offend the previous commenter, I wish to offer in advance that I mean no insult, but refuse to hide the truth in the name of political correctness, or other like concept.
The comment that Tiffany left in response to Steve – it seems to be missing some of the thought she was trying to communicate, so I can’t quite formulate the response I wish to… Suffice it to say, based on what little is described, I think Tiffany’s response indicates a misunderstanding (or perhaps lack of understanding) of how people who struggle in this group of disorder actually function (or dysfunction, as it were). Steve isn’t communicating a selfish or myopic point of view in any of his correspondence. Further, his simple awareness of his daughter’s needs at this stage of her development (I could write a complete volume on this subject alone) for that very recognition (in him) of her, is astounding and quite telling of the sort of father he is.
He isn’t raising a princess that requires a man to do nothing but dote upon her, having no concept that he, himself, might have needs. He is raising a girl, who has a father that seems to be aware that right now, she needs him and his involvement and recognition of her in order for her to develop a solid sense of self, sense of value and worth, sense of feminine, and of autonomy. If she is granted this by her father, in love and sincerity, she will gain a foundation that will remain for her entire adulthood, especially within her relationships (with men and women).
His honesty, reflection, courage to admit imperfection, communicated (at least) willingness to be open to self-improvement, and his ability to recognize the good, appreciate the great, and manage to struggle through the bad, is a living example of a man whose title is actually warranted.
Our society has, in its attempt at raising women to a level of equal respect and acknowledgement, somehow managed to completely destroy the same value in reverse. We no longer uphold our men, appreciate them for their unique qualities (that differ and yet perfectly balance out those of the opposite gender), or encourage them to thrive in their way. We have lost something of great worth, in our effort to gain the same. The saddest part is that now, neither side is actually respected, cherished, or fully appreciated for the value and balance it brings to the other.
We have inadvertently created a generation of women who see men as less than, as inferior… and these women have raised a generation, and continue to raise the next generation of men who will be grouped into the categories that fall within the context of this site. While, at the same time, the women who sit within this category were likely raised in a home where their father, if present, DID NOT notice them as they needed in their various developmental stages. If he did, it was to point out their flaws and inferiorities, or that of their mother. It is much more complex than this, but you get the idea.
Steve’s wife is hurting (inside), and she is hurting (others, outside). She is not rational when she’s in a cycle/episode. Her needs are very real, and as legitimate as anyone who doesn’t struggle with what is described in depth on this forum. Therein lies the art of discernment that the partner must possess. And the complexity of the solution.
I just want to say how helpful everyone’s comments have been in helping me to try and place some perspective on my situation. To Tiffany, I respect your viewpoint and appreciate your questions. Honestly, I can always do better. I know that. Each morning I think about certain words that I hope will focus my attention on the things my wife wants: affirmation, support, and attention. I do this because I realize that in life’s crazy schedule, when you’re planning on how to get the kids to practice, doing laundry, cooking meals – you know, all of life’s demands – the needs of your spouse are sometimes pushed from the front burner to the back. It’s not right, and I realize that. I guess my issue is that when my wife has gotten to the point where she feels there is an issue with my behavior (and usually the problem is one of omission rather than malfeasance), and the solution (at least I think) could be achieved through talking about how each of us is feeling, that the silent treatment becomes such an obstacle to either (1) me knowing what is bothering her so I can try to change my behavior, or (2) apologize to let her know I never intended that she feel unloved or unappreciated. Instead, days of silence pass, building frustration and making a complex emotional situation even more difficult to unravel. As for my kids, my feeling has always been that kids have a need to hear affirmative words from their parents, even for the small things. I want them to know that their efforts do not go unnoticed, and that I’m never too busy to recognize what they are doing or where they are trying to go. My problem, and yes, it is a problem, is that I don’t naturally feel like adults need the same frequency of affirmation as kids. When my wife sees me complimenting the kids, or recognizing something they have done well, she feels slighted in that she has not received a comparable comment from me (both in terms of the nature of the comment and the frequency). I certainly don’t need to be affirmed frequently throughout the day, but I do appreciate it when someone recognizes an accomplishment or effort on my part. I am trying to change my perception to realize that my wife, in fact, needs as much attention verbally and otherwise as my kids do. Believe me, I don’t do this to try and make my wife feel badly. That is the farthest thing from my mind. But the bottom line is that if she does feel badly, even if that wasn’t my intent, I’m willing to try and improve. The problem is, if I don’t know what the trigger was and then get to hear the issues that flow from that trigger event, then I’m helpless to make strides in improving that situation. The silent treatment shuts off the relationship, shuts down the communication, and makes the recipient feel as though they are less than dirt.
Thanks again to everyone. I understand now that “silence is not golden.”
Steve, after reading your comment I couldn’t help but feel sad for both you and your wife. It’s amazing how two totally different people with different backgrounds can join together in marriage and not have these type of issues. Totally normal! What you two are going through, so many of us can relate. I found an online test/quiz called “love languages.” It is great for couples to find out what the other needs. Most often we project onto our spouse how we like to be treated. That is our own love language, which most likely is not theirs. For instance, I am more about action and service. Help me with chores, kids, walking the dogs together, completing a household task or project and I am a happy girl. Whisper sweet nothings, while doing nothing around the house to help me and I am a miserable human being! My husband loves compliments and to be alone. He is not into doing things together or fixing anything around the home. We are fire and ice. It’s been a very tough road for us… It’s best to find out what each other desires and needs, then make a joined effort to do those things for each other. If your wife needs more compliments, then that is what you need to do. Make a deal with her to work on what she needs and visa versa. In reality, she may be asking for something that makes no sense to you, but it what she wants. You didn’t marry your clone or twin. You married her… uniquely different from you. Can you imagine if one day she were to leave and you’d look back at the simple little things that she craved and you wouldn’t deliver, because they weren’t important to you. But they were to her. There is not room for pride in a relationship. Both people have to compromise. I know you know this… now do it.
Silence can work as a way to calm down, but if you just ignore what is going on then it is an ongoing battle.The clarity and resolution will not be in view. It’s easy to say to leave, but it isn’t always that simple. Understanding why it is going on is the first step. Then comprimising and being truly forgiving is the second one. Ever person has their own method for dealing with pain.
If you truly love a person you will make the healthiest decisions for you and the family. Not one person can make all the sacrifices and comprimises. If that is what is going on than that will eventually over time cause resentment and bitterness in one’s heart. There is no way to escape the inevitable in that case. If you emotionally drain yourself in any situation then you may loose self worth and develop emotional stability issues. Stress can cause serious physical problems. Fatigue,irretiblitly,depression, and more serious complications as well. How can you make a healthy home for your family if you can’t even give them the bast of yourself? It is best to seek counseling for the sake of the family. If the issues don’t reside in the past then you are looking at disfunction. Not just upon the relationship, but in the family that you are trying to create. In my case it is the poverty that will never go away with the constant bad choices to spend money. Family comes first then all the whims and hobbies. When I bring up the money issue then it starts a serious problem. So I have to constantly watch as he makes all the finacial decisions without me. He has tried to come to me, but when I don’t agree it causes him to react that I am holding him back from whatever he wants to spend the money on. I get guilt trips just for wanting groceries. He was an only child and very wild. He is 38 now with no vehicle and we are renting in a very unhealthy situation. We have no savings and barely get by. He takes my vehicle enabling me to have freedom in my life and I have to suffer for every mistake he makes finacially. It is a constant burden to be thrown about like a ragdoll and told I need to be understanding when that is all I ever do as I watch him wallow all our money away again and again. We have lived in almost 10 places in the past 6 years. He doesn’t know how to settle down and be comfortable. He lives day to day and that is why we are in the sitaution we are in. When I make money to help he spends my money and his. It is very discouraging to think of ever having children with a person who doesn’t want to live a stable lifestyle. I get worried that I may not want to have a family with him if this is the way our life is always gonna be. Unstable and very worrisome. It emotionally takesa toll on me and makes me feel like I am asking too much of him because I want to be stable. When I hold the money world war 3 happens when he wants the money. He will fight until he gets all of it back. So we don’t do that anymore. He is very selfish and doesn’t even have a clue how his carelessness is depriving us from being comfortable. We are running low on food and I had to get food from my Mother a couple weeks ago. Instead of being concerned he wants to spend every dime he gets in something he wants and then tells me it’s for us. While I am stuck at here hungry and upset. He manipulates me to feel guilty because I want a better life for us. I am very concerned that he may not truly love me. Why would you make your loved one always suffer if you wanted them to stay and make a home together? If he thinks of me than why are we always in these very unhealthy situations? So I have no choice but to be silent as he runs everyting into the ground time and time again. I am a good woman and care so much for him, but if these terrible finacialdecisions don’t change than we can be headed for total destruction of our realtionship.
Hi, I came to this site looking for answers, instead I find longer and longer discussion…going nowhere.
Why not start a new relationship based on a 24 hour turnover, each new day, live like you want it to be…verbalise this to your partner, if they cannot reciprocate, then walk.
I want to say how helpful this thread has been for me. I have been getting the silent treatment from my mother sisters and brothers for years. I don`t have a phone number to call any of them as they changed them . Before you start thinking the worse , I didn`t do anything to warrant this extreme isolation. I don`t go around harming people and don`t go around threatening people, I come from a very abusive backround and a very dysfunctional mother. They have ostracised me, but in the mean time felt the need to rally anyone against me behind my back, they have slandered my name to anyone who would listen. It takes a certain intent to keep this going on for years, I can see it takes more energy to keep isolating than to just get over things and move on. The trouble is I hear a close family member is dying, I would like to see them, but am stone walled and don`t even know how to contact them? I looks like I will have to live with it. There is a defiant cruelty in this silent treatment. I just wanted to hi-light the damage it does in families and not just a couples relationships.
Theresa: Get out. He is financially irresponsible. You will do nothing but suffer if you stay with him. Go, now. Don’t look back.
My solution for those of us who put up with this behavior in an otherwise stable relationship: Carry on without letting the other person upset you. Get busy. Shake off your sadness and anger. Resist being a victim. Leave your partner alone until he or she can handle interacting with you. Let your partner deal with his or her own feelings. Take care of yourself and your kids. Don’t overreact or add to the drama. It’s hard, but it’s the solution if your partner refuses to change.
Interesting, I’ve been caught up in a silent treatment power struggle with my MIL for about 10 years now. OK, we talk but not any more than absolutely necessary. I know it’s unhealthy, and I can tell she’s hurting, but I don’t really know how to end it. Pretty sure neither one of us can win this, but we may both be too stubborn to give up.
In believe that you only give silent treatment to those that you don’t care about. It causes pain.
Hi, I am getting a silent treatment from one of my friends.
WE had an issue about few months back in jan 2011. I and my husband met with her and her husband to speak out our issues.
We were the bestest friedns and we use to hangout all the time.
There were few expectations on our side adn few on theirs. There was some lazy behavior from her.
So When i and my husband got married, she did not bother wishing us. Though her husband did wish us both but formality sakes.
She purposely ignored us in common parties. This continued for 2 weeks. Then we got irritated and we asked them ot meet us at a cafe and speak out our issues. WE told them our probles and apprently she was very hurt when i told her husband that she was behaivng lazy.
After that meeting we thought we had resolved everything but apprently not. His wife has been giving us silent treatment since then. Inspite of us claluing them over to hang out every weekend , all they reply is No we have other plans.. Suddenly she has made good friends with other common ppl. Also whenever she hosts parties at her place she has started excludin us. WE never even when we had issues we never excluded them . And honestly we thought we were good friends and so told them what we were feeling. But we wer ready to leave everythign behind andn start all over but apprently she treats as like this and doesnt speak oput now whats the issue. I do not know how to cope with this whole thing.. it is really eating em up more..
More becasue her husband was good friends with me and my husband and even nw he doesnt talk to us much…. our common friends think that he does want to hang out but his wife is the one driving all this… how do i deal with her… I and my husband have already tried to talkt o them once before when we thought things were sorted so now my husband is resistant towards taking the first step all over again adn asking them y they are treating us liek this after we talked and soreted issues.
PLease help.
LMAO…Have you ever dated a NARCISSIST>>>they deserve nothing more than the almighty silent treatment
some of my kids have been giving me the silent treatment for 3 full years now….do i still send bday card? do i send a letter that says hey, i know youre angry about something, but since you dont tell me what it is, it is not my job to try and figure it out, so if you continue to do this emotional abuse and passive aggressive behavior to me, i will know not to contact you anymore. if thats what you want, great, because i have always tried to make you happy, always done my best, and if that is the best life for you, great, im thrilled for you. if that is not what you want, get back to me, lets talk , connect and stop the bs…..
or do i say nothing..i dont know whats right..im going crazy from this..probably already did.
Richard, you are the parent and need to be the bigger person. Always acknowledge your kids birthdays. Send a card a couple times a year to just say “I’m thinking of you.” Even if you don’t get a response from them, it’s the right thing to do as a parent. Just because they are choosing not to talk to you does not mean that their not experiencing any pain from this silence. Silence between two adults married or in a relationship is entirely different than a parent and child. You’re their one and only father and you need to fix this. Also, I find it very hard to believe that your children (this is plural) are not speaking with you and you actually wrote “I know youre angry about something, but since you dont tell me what it is, it is not my job to try and figure it out.” It’s not “your job” to figure out what you have done that has caused your own children to stop talking to you? That statement is a clear indicator that you are emotionally unavailable unless everything is going smoothly and your way. Clearly, if there is any issue, you are too self-absorbed to see what you may have done to cause a situation. After all, it’s “their” problem and not yours. Oi vey! You helped to bring them into this world Richard, please don’t take them or their feelings for granted. They may not always be around. Do what you have to, to make amends.
I agree that the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. I’ve been on the recieving end so many times in my life that it has become something I’ve grown to live with. But, now I tell them what they’re doing and I also tell them I’m through playing their game then I wave good-bye. This way, I’m not leaving them wondering – like they’ve left me to wonder. I feel much better because I’m taking my own power back and leaving them to wallow in their own silence.
Without reading every article and comment on the subject of “the silent treatment”, the general theme seems that it is based on: (1)misunderstandings; or (2) power struggles. Try two additional reasons why many people give the silent treatment: (1) cruelty; and (2) cowardice.
Cruelty is shown when one uses the “fire and ice” treatment on someone not out of any interest in them but merely to test whether the recipient of this treatment is still under her spell. Such people may say, e.g.: “You don’t call me anymore.”, etc. But then if there is any flicker of interest, they back away. Whatever the cause of this behavior, including mere immaturity, the thing to do is: (1) make clear to them that this is unnacceptable behavior; and then (2) avoid contact with them except when absolutely necessary. If they work for you and can be fired for such behavior without incurring legal liability they should be discharged. A workplace requires teamwork and has no legitimate place for “fire and ice” games.
Cowardice is shown when one chooses an emotionally abusive but non-responsive way to “reject” someone by demeaning them with silence instead of: (1) calling them out for unacceptable behavior (“I have a bone to pick with you.”); or (2) “letting them down easy” when nobody is at fault.”
Many immature people, especially women, are grandmasters of the “fire and ice” rejection technique. But a better way of treating people is to contrast your interests with theirs without demeaning them, e.g. (1) “I’m not interested in sports.” or (2) I don’t want to do that.” Generally the other person will get the message and change their behavior or move on to more receptive individuals. But if the other person won’t hear you and you must explicitly “reject” them say: (1) “I’m not being critical. This is not something you can buy in a store. It’s the way you are and the way I am.” The other person won’t like it but should respect your wishes and keep their distance.
Then if this doesn’t work, as a last resort tell the other person to please respect your feelings and leave you alone. If that doesn’t work you may have a “stalking” situation on your hands which might require you to get some “backup” from the authorities.
i haven’t spoken to my brother and his wife in 2yrs and i don’t intend on ever speaking to them again. i didn’t do it to play any form of mind game. i did it after being harassed, and being the victim of false accusations several times, not to mention being criticized on everything i did. i got fed up. i was no longer hurt or sad i was mad! they are pure evil,(i think they are both sociopaths) they are conning and manipulative who hate anyone that wonte take orders from them or live life the same way they do. i stopped talking to them because i want them out of my life forever. i am sick of the drama. my brother has been trying convince my mother to force me to talk to him in different ways. once by celebrating christmas at his place. my mother told me that if i didn’t speak to him i would be spending christmas alone, so i did. (i don’t get along with my mother either) she takes his side cuz she loves talking about me and my other sister with him. my mother is a narcissist that competes with her own daughters. smh. anyways my point is i didn’t do it to torture him i did it because i wanted peace in my life and that was the only way to get it. my mother is next
I found it very interesting that the -silent treatment- actually hurts you physically. And i can feel it, but i am slightly confused with my general feelings and the “cold shoulder” reactions. As a girl, i do ofcoarse react the way thats typical. But i try my hardest to let the guy have his space, I sent him a message and told him i was sorry, i hope he has a good week i love him etc etc and that he needs not reply. i stayed up really late staring at the wall feeling hopeless helpless worthless and very well pathetic and such as i should not have come into his life ever. though i knew from the beginning i wasnt good enough. he tried to reasure me that he wanted me. My “man” is a a cusp. Leo-virgo. i tried researching to get a better understanding but i didnt want to ask him and totally research him down and feel like a weirdo. But i am a virgo, not too typical but maybe at the sight of this message. i feel terrible and that of wich …we’ll never speak again. I feel paranoid and too pathetic for words, i love him. But maybe i should just face facts that its pointless? i need some guidance, and understanding,im lost and confused and im so tired of feeling like this, i know at sometime i might ressolve to self inflicted pain, even though emotionally its quite enough. RESPONSE MUCH APPRECIATED. thankyou.
because i told a young lady i had feelings for her,
instead of talking about it , i have been on
the recieving end of this behavior since april 5th 2011 ,
to End a Friendship via silent treatment is imature & cruel
it makes this take longer than nessisary , & forbids closure.
this is done as a way to hurt someone ,, nothing else comes of it!
On the recieving end of silent treatment.
I stated some feelings to two family members and had very legitimate reasons for confronting them as they were getting involved with my personal life when they has been asked to stay out of it.
I have rang them text them to try and resolves the issues yet to no avail. Both are totally ignoring me one of which my own mother,I have tried to engage in communication with her but she wont answer me and I am struggling with this as I feel a bit ganged up on and unheard.
Unfortunitly I now realise alot of my own dysfuntion is probably a result of growing up with this type of example being set.
Yes I get passionate about things yes i speak my mind and dont bullshit around it but they are my family and I have to endure them too.
How do I deal with this silent treatment? I am cranky and frustrated and stooping th=o their level by giving up on communication. What makes it worse not only are they ignoring me but also my partner and two children who have nothing to to with the conflict.
I dont like being punished like this for speaking my mind and asking them to stay out of my personal business its just not fair.
I already posted this on Angie’s blog but I just wanted to share my feelings.
Thank you for writing this article. I am not astonished by the content because I have basically tried all of what you suggested over the years. However, it is nice to know many people are going through the same thing.
I live with my girlfriend of 4.5 years. She moved in with me for 3.5 years. She had a childhood where fear, intimidation, covert abuse, lies and deliberate ignorance was the norm. Unfortunately, she was and still is a victim of it. As a result, she is withdrawn when there is a serious relationship issue and gives me the silent treatment.
At first, I was extremely sensitive and catered to her every emotional outburst or silent cry for attention. Did everything I could to re-open the lines of communication through my support and patience. Needless to say, after a few years of being the silent treatment victim, my patience has evolved into resentment. I actually think she is weak and evil. This is sad because I use to think she was my world and she could never do anything that would make me despise her.
2 days ago, I apparently did something to piss her off. Maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to what she was worried about? Maybe I wasn’t pampering her with comforting words or hugs? Probably. But I don’t have to mental strength anymore. Historically, she would come around and get better but time and time again she reverts back to this tactic. She knows I know what this tactic is but still does it.
I am aware that she doesn’t know how to cope properly but I don’t want these ups and downs in my partner anymore. I want someone who is straight with me and doesn’t play these mind numbing and straining games.
I don’t want to be a mean person but I also don’t want to be manipulated anymore. I’m not getting any younger and I am so angry inside I could cry. And its hard for me cry. I don’t want to be calm and mature about her childish ways. I want to scream, yell, breakout and destroy something.
I’m weak myself. Why would I put up with this if I wasn’t? I need to be more selfish and go after MY needs.
I am aware that people like my girlfriend are genuinely damaged and need help. But she refuses help and despite my efforts, she has relapsed many times. Some people can’t be helped. I hope others recognize the severity of some cases and go their separate ways before 1 year turns into 5.
I was married to a man for ten years who grew up very much like you described for your girlfriends childhood. I got counseling, he never did more than 4-5 sessions. It is very painful and I wonder too about whether they are to be pitied for being so broken inside or if they are just evil for what they do. Either way, you’re not responsible for fixing her. You can’t do it. She has to want to and it would take a couple years of counseling. In the meantime you are responsible for yourself and whether or not you allow her to continue to hurt you. Since you clearly see the problem and it’s obviously not going away… you need to do what is right for you and please don’t bring children into this very destructive relationship!!! I know from experience… I hope you find the strength to leave her. You can only fix you.
I too am currently on the recieving end of silent treatment.
I feel horrible and am trying very hard to keep from apoligizing and begging for forgiveness. I was told in the past to “drop it” when I attempted to patch things up so that is what I am trying to do, but it is hard because the person keeps getting up and leaving the room anytime I enter… even if I do not say anything at all. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this when it is a relative that you live with?
Does anyone know of any on-line support that I could write in too? The comments on this site are great, but just wondering if anyone knew of any online Silent Treatment support groups or anything?
Hi all. After reading the majority of the posts I felt the need to offer something from the other side so to speak.
I tick many of the boxes of the ‘damaged’ individual. I am currently on meds for depression and psychotics. I have been on the receiving end of bad relationships to the point that at forty five I have decided that I am better on my own. I am not unintelligent and am aware that my learned behaviours have probably contributed to my failed relationships. In the past I would employ the ‘time out’ method, reassuring my partner that I would return after I had walked off my emotional reaction and could discuss whatever the problem was. After multiple break downs and attempted suicides I now cut out anybody that causes me distress. I try initially to reason with the other person and find resolution but, if I cannot do so I have to look after my own well being. If I allow myself to take on board emotional pain I suffer an anxiety attack which blacks me out for 20 minutes with a further 24 hours of disorientation and headache.
Some people who purport to be good friends respond to my silences with verbal abuse, they reinforce that I am mentally I’ll and need help. They have no idea of what it’s like to be at the mercy of a misfunctioning auto-immune system. They have never been in the dark places that this can take us. Am I mentally I’ll? If I am what good comes from thinking so. I am no good to anyone dead. So I deal with distress as best as I can using what tools I have available to me.
My point here is simple. People do the best they can with tools they have. Very few people consider other peoples maps, they judge based on their own beliefs and values.
Some of the worst traumas I have received have been from an nlp trainer someone who teaches others how to deal with these behaviours.
Sometimes you are better on your own and there is no shame in being that way. Be good to others and look after your heart.
I was on the receiving end of silent treatment for a while, I am a guy and the person doing this to me is my roommate and childhood friend.
I was very hurt by this behavior and i suffered in silence for a long time. It seemed like he would act nice to me until i felt okay, and then i would ask him a question and he would simply ignore me. he kept repeating this until i couldn’t take it anymore..
So i thought “what comes around goes around” and i started doing the same, but i do it 10x worse than him. I have become very aggressive and i am constantly in pain (like you said, physical pain).
I started ignoring all his friends (some common friends), and I feel like a very bad person.. but then i remember how he made me feel and then i don’t care anymore..
i have been doing this for about 4 months now. and he does the same.
It’s a shame really.. We used to be such good friends, now i am graduating from college and i will probably never speak to him again.
Getting the silent treatment from the person closest to you can be hurtful and frustrating. The silent treatment is a manipulative tool often used by the more passive partner in the relationship, usually as a form of punishment for something that the more assertive partner is supposed to puzzle out. This way, the more passive one takes no risk while their partner squirms and tries to please them, figure out the mystery, pull them out of their shell, grovel, apologize, etc. It is a very hostile maneuver, and a classic in the relationship dynamic I call underwatering/overwatering .
If you are being given the silent treatment, you are being punished for something, but you are not actually being told what that something is and how you can make up for it. The first step is to notice how you are feeling in the moment- do you feel pulled out of yourself, trying to read your partner’s mind? Are you angry? Apologetic? Scared? Notice just how much you feel hooked into trying to work out this puzzle. It is not your job to read your partner’s mind. It is not your job to fix something for someone who isn’t using their words. Give yourself permission to stop trying. Take the focus off of your partner’s puzzle, and bring attention to your own feelings.
Next, you can let your partner know that you care, and can see that something has upset them. Invite them to tell you what has upset them, and let them know that unless they tell you, there is nothing you can do for them- they may not be talking to you, but their ears are working just fine. Then, let it go as best you can. Every time you notice yourself trying to read their mind and “fix” the situation, remind yourself that it is not your job to figure this out, and let yourself off the hook. When you refuse to play games, the games tend to fall apart pretty quickly.
My boyfriend has recently given me the silent treatment for almost 2 months now. This is why I started reading about what this silent treatment really means as I have never experienced it before.
This rejection made me throw myself back at him; told him how I felt for him. I apologized for everything I may have done; begged him to talk…whatever it was, note that I have asked for it. he kept on ignoring and ignoring me. When I stopped, he sends me text messages saying that he knows I loved him and that we needed to work on the problem. When I start reaching out he ignores me again. That really drove me mad. I ended up in frustration. the whole process affected my work and concentration. This is when I started looking into what this silent treatment means. Why people do it? It’s true – it’s a form of an abuse. Once i knew the meaning of this rejection and the experiences of others, I found a solution to the whole situation – I text him to google silent treatment, learn about its causes. Guess what – he did. Now he’s the one calling/texting me ‘say something’.
FOR ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED IT; TRY TO BE STRONG AND DONT GET BACK TO YOUR ABUSER LOOKING FOR EXPLANATIONS, REASONS, OR EXPECTING THE OTHER PERSON TO OPEN UP. They simply wont – cause for them it’s a game. WHEN THIS HAPPENS – JUST MOVE ON. I JUST MOVED ON – I FOUND A NICE, KIND MAN THAT LOVES ME JUST THE WAY I AM. He is planning to take me on trip – it’s simply great. REMEMBER, THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, A PERSON THAT CARES FOR US AND LOVES US THE WAY WE NEED TO BE LOVED.
Hanna thats so cool of U for opening up the “truth” for people like me . Ostracism is not a sweet thing to deal with
Especially for people who have never been appreciated for in their whole life 
It becomes worse when the person U love whole heartedly launches a cold shoulder on U !
But tell me hannah , what if am in love with a young girl(17), who travels with her parents , and during the separation she starts the silent treatment, does it have another meaning other than the ostracism ?
I am a University Student & she is stil in high school.
At times I feel like doing the “D-Word” to her…DUMPING HER OFF MY LIFE. But we are close family friends and I still like her alot.
I never plan to hurt her at all but I dont plan to get hurt either.
Hannah pls help
Tom, sorry not Hannah but hopefully I can help a little. It sounds to me like she is just busy doing the stuff 17 year olds do with their friends. It may be that she finds the constant attention irrupting and so avoids responding. I would suggest backing off a bit. Limit the times you text/call to once every 2-3 days. Keep the communication you do have light and funny not heavy. If she is serious about your relationship she will initiate more communications back. It’s not a game as such, it’s just psychology. Pull back and let her come to you more. Remember to keep it fun.
Good luck
Magnus
My wife does this to me all the time. She went OFF for 2 hours yesterday…and my brain started triggering all sorts of negative emotions.
I always have a very hard time regulating my emotions when she goes OFF. It makes me feel like I have done something terrible to her. Most of the time she does it to me when I say things she doesn’t like.
I will never ever be able to negotiate anything with her. It should always be her way….otherwise…I am left on my own with Silent treatment.
I am very very astonished at the fact that many men do it too.
OK I think this is total BS! I havea step that has more issues than you can count with both hands. He is just now 16 and over the past two years of his higschool career he has passed 11 of 28 classes, he is having sex, smoking cigarettes, and take smy wifes cigarettes and then looks at me and smiles. he has been arrested twice for criminal tresspassing and is extremely manipulative. he has caused me to move out of my own home numerous times and has caused me so much pain I just dont want to deal with him so I dod speak to him. Its the old saying,”if you dont have anything good to say, dont say anything at all!” Silent treatment is NOT ABUSE! Everyone want to to place an abuse labael on everything that some does not like an it makes me sick. i am not using it to hurt him or extert dominance. R U FUCKING SERIOUS? I do it because I dont want to put my gaurd down and run the risk of getting hurt myself and causing another near physical altercation in my house. To me its WAY better to just ignore the person that is hurting you and move on. When he finally figures out that I dont own him jack shit, and that his actions not only affect him and his future but everyone else than maybe, just maybe I might want to speak to him. until then, he can kiss my ass and so can all of you people that think the “Silent treatment” is always abusive. Cheers! You got served son!!
Ignoring someone who is significantly affecting your life in a very negative way is not the same as what this article is talking about. This article is NOT BS. My ex starting ignoring me after my pet died. I guess he didn’t want to deal with a crying woman. But, before that, he was the most perfect, loving, attentitive guy any woman could ask for… Then he ignored me for weeks and it made the mourning so much worse, because not only was I crying over my dead pet, but I was desperately trying to reach out to him and his comfort and trying to figure out why he wasn’t giving it to me… In situations like that, the silent treatment is definitely emotional torture and abuse.
Softman, Why do you allow your wife to scream at you for two hours?
Does she do this often? She does this because you allow it.
I have been married for 25 years today. My husband would never allow me to treat him in such a way.
She is not respecting you by the she treats you. Because you allow her to treat you like this she will resent you more and think less of you as a man.
This kind of treatment must make you feel very inferior. I can tell in your tone you are fustrated. Try stepping up and take control of the moment when she gets like that. Don’t put up with it. Period.
When she gives you the silent treatment, just act as if it doesn’t bother you. Beat her at her own game. Just simply tell her “when you are ready to talk rationally I am here to listen” and walk away..The ball will be in her court.
Relationships take work. No one knows why people give others the silent treatment, it is very abusive.
I see you are soft in nature, I admire that and I am sure your wife adores that about you. You can still have that nature and be in control. If you love your marriage you have to step up or you will get burnt out.
Hello,
My brother in law’s girlfriend gave me the silent treatment for almost six years. My boyfriend, now husband, tried to talk to everyone in his family about this situation multiple times. I tried to approach this girl on the subject and she would always run away from me. The situation occurred 90% of the time during family reunions. I talked to his parents so many times about this issue but at the end they got the idea that I was the one who had the issue against this girl. I have wondered soo many times for the past 6 years what did I do so wrong in order to offend this person. Little by little my relationship with my husband’s family started to fell apart.
As a last resource we asked my husband’s father to speak to her which he did. All of the sudden she started to talk to me and act like nothing had happened. She gave me presents, invited us for dinner, and sent me text messages. I thought I had forgiven her which made me feel really happy until recently when I found I was pregnant. I am not sure if is because of the hormones or something but the feeling of pain came to the surface again. Perhaps because I don’t want my child to ever suffer from this pain. Six years of silent treatment cannot be forgiven from night to day when especially the person who did this to you has never apologized nor given an explanation on what happened.
Sadly enough, my husband’s family seems to prefer her since she never pointed out the issues that she had against me nor complained about me. I feel that I’ve lost his family, their respect, while now she’s really close to them. I have many mixed feelings about this whole situation and I know it affected my personality and my life. I have always been very sensitive and in touch with my emotions. I am very social, love to establish friendly relationships with people and enjoy peace. Now that I’ve realized that the struggle I went through has not healed and left deep scars I’m getting ready to seek for help.
Me and my partner have been soul mates for over ten years and out of the blue I get the silent treatment.
We call 4 times daily etc talk over webcams etc so this behaviour out of the blue in ten years.
After a week I couldn’t take it and I cracked as I was under huge pressure at work. I thought she was missing or dead. Called the police etc as I was in another country working abroad. She was fine!
I apologised, sent messages, flowers, asked what I did , we can work through this and called but no reply.
She did answer my call once and couldn’t care less and was enjoying her life to the max visiting art galleries and didn’t explain why the silent treatment.
Sorry but I broke up with her.
She did right on my project deadlines and increased my stress as I let it happen.
I wondered why, was she angry, unfaithful? Punishing me?
I walked away and now have to move on. I loved her but felt unloved by her.
Selfish I sound but she was everything to me and destroyed me.
I dumped’ her.
I can tell you exactly what happened, and I wouldn’t doubt my answer for a second. You became to predictable, too attached, too needy, you were no longer a challenge- she knew she had you wrapped around her finger. You said you waited a week and cracked, had you waited 2 weeks to a month she would have cracked. She was Bored, don’t contact her or initiate contact for a month ( perhaps even ignore her if she contacts you) wait a month, let the mystery come back. You may get her back bro
I like your reply Andrew: very true, precise and to the point. Wonder what the situation is now. Cheers!
I wouldn’t want to ‘get’ this person back. She’s proven who she really is. She likes to play cruel mind and control games, is what it amounts to.
Recently, I have become a victim of the ‘silent treatment.’ my boyfriend of two years chose to “manage” his anger this way, and it’s been two weeks now. What did I do wrong? Apparently, I overstepped my boundaries by talking with his physician about a medical problem my boyfriend asked me for help with. I’m a nurse, so I saw his doctor at work the day after my boyfriend experienced his frightening problem, and I mentioned it to the doctor (when the doctor initiated our conversation by asking how my boyfriend is doing). The doctor confirmed my advice to my boyfriend, and I sent my boyfriend a text with that information. When I reached his home that night, I was given a few clipped responses and hateful looks, followed by the silent treatment. When he decided to go to bed and left my presence by further shutting me out (going to his room and closing the door) I went right in there and asked why he was ignoring me. “I’m not ignoring you, I’m going to bed.” I collected my belongings and left. That was two weeks ago. Now, the truth is, I feel happy and I’m enjoying my new freedom. I will be returning his key via mail, and that’s that. I will never put up with bullying/ manipulation/ emotional abuse. Who’se sorry now, MF?!
My mother gave me the silent treatment for 9 years where she never visited or called. This was when I was 2 to 11 years old. Then when I was 18 I lived with her for the first time on a long term basis and she did not speak to me for 9 months. You are right: It is a physical pain. I am still alive but I have tried to kill myself several times.
James Thank you for your comment. A person needs to here other people have circumstances like yours. After being with someone so long and speaking with them several times of the day then all of a sudden you here nothing must have been hard to deal with. I do think that the silent treatment seems to be a form of abuse, however, I don’t like to judge people because no matter how much we try to figure out why they did what they did we really don’t know how they were feeling. I want to thank you for your comment because it has made me feel how you were feeling and not just think of my self and my feelings on my situation. Thank you! I really do enjoy all of the comments and think all of you are special people for taking the time to share with others.
I have been in a relationship if you can call it that. With a man who has constantly ignored me on a regular basis. The longest period being 7month. After 10 year of him sleeping with other women and not want to comit I ended the relationship as could not cope and was very depressed. He did not seem bothered by me not wanting to carry on the relationship. After a few month he decided he wanted to be friends after i had tried to talk to him about his for a while. We starting texting every othe day and were getting on well. After couple weeks of texting he asked for sex I said no ofcourse. Which was not my usuay way of dealing with him. I text him few days later to see how he was. No reply I began to worry asking him to text n let me knw he was ok as I was worried and only way of ontacting him was via text this had been the case for the fall time of our relationship. 5days passed still no reply saw him in the street few days latter he saw me and drove straight past. I have text since asking him what is wrong. Or if I have done something still no answer is this abuse?
He just wants sex….That’s all
Abuse? You rejected HIM. If you’re truly done with him, be done, move on, and don’t worry about what he does.
i had been going out with a guy for about 2mths it seems that he had fancied me for about 30yrs!!! yes amazing.. anyway had know him briefly from a far more so his brothers and sister more so we got together really got on had a laugh and banter with each other then the bombshell hit after about a week he mentioned he had fallen for me!!! well i didnt really know how to take this quiet shocked to say the leased he called me and txted me a lot then i noticed the jealously which turned into being possesive which suffocated me a bit i mentioned a cooling off period and perhaps get to know each other a bit he wouldn’t have it saying i love you bah! bah! he just avoided the whole thing if i tried to mention the situation i looked up his behaviour patten and was shocked the signs of a control freak! the arguements started the phone was put down the swearing ext i txt him and told him i really cared for him and had feelings [not love at this point because it turned me off of him] then he responed with verbal abuse i still didnt give up i was very patient in trying to understand perhaps being hurt by other relationships and so on.. but haven’t we all? then we decided to meet up and i say something and he would turn on me and walk off! so the whole sarga would carry on with me calling and txting even in the bedroom i would fall asleep on the couch and later i get into the bed and he would turn his back on me and sulk it got to much for me and i felt totally drained from energy i blank him for a month i got in touch with him again!!! heart felt txt again!!! we went out as friends because i thought it would better to be open and no hurt feelings…wrong again i mentioned my past he got the impression i still had a thing for his brother this was 30yrs a go i didnt know about my bf then so that went out the window he stormed off.. i went to his flat to try and talk to him and was ignored for 3hrs talking through his letter box he refused to let me in and threatned me with the police for harassement could you believe which they did arrive i was so shocked he actually done that to me and upset all he had to do is let me in and talk to me and i would have apologized and perhaps talk it over as adults.. but no he gave me which iam to believe the silent treatment i left mortified i know i must have hurt him which i didnt mean to a week had passed and i sent a txt to him concerning my feelings for a change not all about him and how my feeling were and are hurt too
i did feel a power of relief i must say oh! he send back abuse by the way haven’t heard since which i don’t want to..i also wondering do these sort of people make contact in anyway via call or your home and if so would it be abusive?
could i have a honest anwer from someone would appreciate
Silent treatment blows. It could be because of anything though, the worst part is when its first noticed. Drives you nuts, you think it’s you, something you did or said. We all say and do stupid things here and there in a relationship. So automatically we think it’s us.
The person giving the silent treatment may just be having problems they feel they need to hash out by themselves, which sucks. If you love someone, you just want to be part of them no matter what. If someone you love is having a hard time with things, it’s good to know they want to lean on you. Some people just feel like they are imposing, which sucks, imposing isn’t even a word within a relationship and it never should be.
But again, being the receiver of silent treatment we’ll never know why unless the one giving the treatment tells us. So that leaves two options, stick it out or walk. How do you walk away from someone you love? You don’t, no matter what. If they love you, it will work out. I would feel worse giving up on someone I love, I’m not selfish so why give up on someone you love? Wouldn’t that be selfish of us? No matter what we feel or the pain we may endure through it, we should sacrifice for the better of the cause.
Wont stop us from being confused though, bottom line we are always going to wonder. So, dont kid yourselves people above….. No matter what you do or say about being given silent treatment, no matter what you do to overcome it, you’re always going to wonder, wonder more, wonder even more and wonder…… It never ends.
It ends in one way, you talk to the one you got the silent treatment from. Personally, I don’t want to talk if 6 months or a year down the road I get to talk to the person and I find out they are involved, have a kid on the way, are having a great successful life, or any of that because guess what? They were supposed to have all that with me.
However, If it is because of some emotional turmoil I would love to hear that person is doing well and is happy but looking for more, more with me. That is the best gift you can get from silent treatment.
Sounds like this
Hi, I’ve missed you”
So I started a relationship with my honey… At first he introduced me to all his friends and it was ok… I felt awkward, everyone said hi but they sounded uninterested now its been 3 years into this relationship and everytime his friends have an event I have to tag along. And whenever I come into a room, his friends shout his name & praise him but once I walk in only about 2 people acknowledge my presence. I try talking to them and they just keep chit chatting. I’ve told my bf that I don’t feel comfortable being around his friends and he told me that I have to get used to them. Last week I asked his friends wife if she can send me some pictures from a birthday party and she blew me off. Whenever we go with these folks its like I’m not there. I’m just dumbfoundedly sitting there like an idiot. Last Saturday as we were going out he told me that they were going, so I lied and told him I forgot my id. His friends called him and as he was mentioning my situation his friend stated that I stay home. So I stayed in the car. I’m getting sick of this stupid silent game.
My husband and I had 8 great years together, and we just got married Christmas last year. Unfortunately, after the wedding, I noticed he changed and expected more from me. It’s like everything I did, was not to his satisfaction. I used to be earning higher salary than him, but now I’m helping his business, therefore financially independent on him. Maybe it was this reason that he started to give me silent treatments and blow things out of proportion.
It had happened several times after the wedding. The last time, it lasted for 2 weeks before I couldn’t take it anymore and initiated the reconciliation and pacified him. Now, only after 2 weeks again, he started it. Is it necessary to blow things when we just couldn’t make it for breakfast at McDonalds’ and that I returned slightly late from facial appointment due to traffic jams? Well, I know he wasn’t feeling well, so I apologised on these 2 occasions (which happened on the same day), and pacified him. I even offered solution to prevent the issue from arising again. He ignored me. Still, I hugged him in bed the next morning, but he’s still giving me the cold shoulder.
Then in the afternoon, I just informed him that if he’s hungry, I’ve prepared something. Right away, he threw his calculator so hard, it shocked me. I just had to leave the house…
Try reading “The verbally abusive relationship” by Patricia Evans. You’ll find him in the pages of that book. I found my husband in its pages too, just about on every page or every other page… It’s an eye-opener.
Jan 26/27th, This Gorgeous woman in her late 20′s noticed me at a bar event, that I was Photographing a local DJ friend and his/our vip entourage of fun. She grabbed my attention with her beauty and the rest of the evening we were taking pictures laughing dancing having drinks. Event was over we talked and I thought I was getting lucky as she gave me a ride home but didn’t stay long. I didn’t remember that we made dinner plans the next day. We went to the melting pot however she said she had dinner reservations and not really and just had desert because she showed up 2 hours late. a week later after talking and she got sloppy drunk and I didn’t in order to deal with her I told her you will have to be my Girl now and we made love.
fast forward to valentines day Dinner and drinks at the Improv with a famous comedian, when she stepped into my room rose pedals, 30 tea candles and expensive decorative Hookah to give her, chocolate dipped strawberry bottle of rose’ cheese and grapes. I wasn’t looking to make love though it would have been romantic and hott and heavy and about to make a baby but we laid next to one another and I looked at her as scared as I was I said I love you.
Because this Poor lady is always in pain from endometriosis, and not being prescribed or afford the the medicine, her having a smart wounderfull daughter, she has something that most women I met don’t have.
she told me a few days after Valentine’s day what would i think about a long distance relationship, I had one before and there are a lot of rules and the most important one is being faithful. I trust her and never gave me a reason not to. She was offered to take an Auto-mechanic apprenticeship in Manhattan said she be making a lot of money for a few months. She would come back. She would have her medicines the hospitals in NYC work and we would have a future everything would be fine. Kisses later I opened up my wallet, bought her the coat she wanted wasn’t expensive 60 bucks for NYC in February. Next came the plane ticket, the Limo ride 500 spending cash for food and subway fair till she gets a paycheck. It was my whole saving from my tax return that I was going to be selfish and buy photography gear. Promised to call me and go on skype said I love you and I cried watching that plane lift off.
I watched google flight and watched it land and and I waited, I waited 20 min and I called her she didn’t pick up, I called called called called finally we talked for 5 min said I love you’s and a goodluck.
This is where it all started as soon as that plane lifted off. I never got a call daily, it was once a week, months it seemed, for maybe 2 minutes, at a time. It was like Hi, how are you and I’ll call you later. Didn’t skype I tried to Text her call her so many times. I was over her mom’s house with her daughter once or twice a week and then I just gave up. Then it was the 3rd week she called crying wanted to give up, and told me that the doctors diagnosed her with Cancer. My boi I trust very well went up there for his reasons but was in the area she was at. I called her asking permission to give my boi her number and said Ill take a few days off work and come up there too. She said no no no theres no point she be back in a week. I told my boi to call her since she wasn’t answering my phone introduce himself take her out to lunch or dinner I would pay Him back because I was really worried she hasn’t been eating right wanted to know how she looked and if she was alright. And, to see if she was with another man. Because that how it sounds like coming from my boi. They txt a lil but that was it she had no interest in having dinner with one of my best friends that’s family to me. When she landed she didn’t call me infact it wasn’t until the next day when I tried to call her again wondering where she was because my boi was like why do you trust her she’s fake, she answered the house number locally she was like I wanted to surprise you at work.
to make this page really short ever since then our relationship hasn’t been the same we made love again exactly 3 months from the first, we rarely talk and that part drives me crazy. It will be weeks, and I will keep trying and trying to txt her or talk to her, with no responses, I know she reads them but chooses not to respond. Its only when I get really really angry, and I start calling names I shouldn’t because that’s not who I am, and then I compensate buy just showing up at her front door with flowers and a get well card. the fact I am being ignored and not talked to by someone who you fell for and she claims she fell in love with me too, that I helped out till I was broke, I feel cheated, embarrassed to even share this, its flat out rude and disrespectful, I don’t understand because sometimes I just want to know how she is. I feel she doesn’t really care about me at all or how I am doing since I lost my job struggling not to be homeless, I don’t know what to do anymore, I am more depressed now, I lost my interest to go out even look at other women, My appetite has replaced in binge drinking, making me sick, becoming more and more angry, sleeping on the couch not caring about a fresh morning shave, don’t worry I’m not fat I can’t gain a pound and everyone says I’m quite attractive, sounds like something in a movie or something on TV.
I don’t know if I should just stop all together and ignore her, refuse her calls don’t respond to her texts, but confused because were beautiful when were together and everything she is were compatible like every girl I have ever been with in one person. I don’t want to lose her if this is her worst. Because I want to be with her when she’s at her best. This is just so hard to go through and for everyone else on here I don’t need criticism or she is seeing someone else and feed my head with more bullshit because that would be her confession. My father told me in my teenage years, Somethings in Life you will just have to be a man and deal with it. I don’t know what else to do than just wait.
Thank you everyone else I read all your stories and thank you for not making me feel alone out there. Really made my day when researching this. Take care.
I found myself living with a man such as many of the ones described here. A platonic arrangement I set up to help me with my crazy bills turned into me sleeping with this man for over a year. Dumb choice. I own up to that part, no one forced me. But I regret it because it destroyed the BOUNDARIES I needed to PROTECT myself from this man. I’ve slowly been able to see exactly who he is: A rotten child. He throws tantrums, storms out of rooms, IGNORES ME for weeks on end. His periods of distancing himself and being cold and dismissive are often followed up by “fun” times and togetherness. It’s always been easier to accept these times when they arrive based on his decision to stop his bullshit, than to talk to him or work out why he behaved so negatively for weeks on end. Though, I’ve tried. I’ve never met ANYONE so absolutely resistant to owning up to anything they do. It’s as he doesn’t have a conscience. Hes a loud mouth and a bully. He came into my home just off of fights with other women. One time I heard him screaming at the top of his lungs at the mother of his child. He called her ugly, asked her had she ever looked in a mirror, insulted everything down to the home she lived in. Called her a piece of shit, told her she was lucky he would ever touch a dog like her, much less have a child with her, and on and on. I talked to him about…he explained it away. Said she had wronged him, he would never speak to me that way, yada yada. Meanwhile, she no longer communicates with him. The woman I am NOW knows so much more about what was going on in that conversation I overheard nearly two years ago, because here I am also being called a ugly monkey by him too. Its all he’s capable of, with any woman. I just felt so beaten up. I’m on this site tonight because he blew up at me based on a perceived slight 3 weeks ago and had ignored me since then. I finally said I cannot take this anymore, you are uncomfortable and so am I, when will you be leaving my home? I also tried to reason with him, to say: but why would you behave that way towards someone who apologized to you, and think of all the times that I’ve been thoughtful and giving to you, etc… Well, what did that get me besides a tantrum to end all tantrums: slamming doors, stomping about the house, name calling, shouting, hauling out of suitcases…the works. I’m hurt but its so over the top that I could almost laugh. He reminds me of really rotten 5 year old. One that throws tantrums in order to manipulate and take power. To think I kept giving this man the benefit of the doubt! Hes rotten! Has always been, I just refused to see how emotionally stunted he is. All he had in his arsenal was subtle manipulation, he managed to convince me SOMEHOW that I wasn’t good enough, attractive enough or whatever enough. That’s why I kept hanging on. Hoping I could convince him of my worth. This man has rained all over my life.
Read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft and “The verbally abusive relationship”. I’ve read both books and they’re gems. As I said above, I’ve found my husband and his ‘subtle’ abusiveness and silent treatment strategies in those pages.
The guy you describe is in those pages, with only a name change… It turns out that such are textbook examples of abusive men. Mine uses silent treatments to bend me to his will and I’m sure, to show who really has the power in this relationship. And then he thinks he’s a godly man…
Thank you for sharing this insightful information. Guess you could say I’ve been given the silent treatment for over 20 years now. It’s more like we co-habitate. Anything meaningful or personal is not up for discussion. Silent treatment. I am currently planning my escape.
I agree with Ken…here’s my story. I have a long-distance friendship, and we don’t get to see each other often. My friend is PA and I’m more aggressive. In my family, we expressed our feelings, sometimes loudly. We didn’t call names, and I don’t, but we would raise our voices to prove a point. Most of the time my friend and I have delightful talks and can laugh for hours. Then there are times we will argue, it gets “heated,” until my friend declares she’s hanging up, or hangs up directly. When she threatens, I back down, and apologize–Life’s too short, you know? My anger is dispelled quickly, and I know hers isn’t, but I do my best to make amends–even offering a “cooling off” truce as long as we can get back to each other at a certain period of time to discuss things. Even that doesn’t work, and she winds up giving me the Silent Treatment for days or even WEEKS. She won’t accept my calls, texts OR emails, until I grovel for forgiveness, and beg her to talk it out, because she tells me that I’m the reason the argument got so heated. I do my best to get a response, and if I get the words “just right,” she’ll finally respond.
We then talk things out, and then she will apologize, explain that her Silent Treatment is really only a defense against “bad” behavior, and that she “hurts” just as much as I do when she ignores me. Really??!! In some instances, she has even stated that she is so wound up in her own self-destructive hurt, that if I don’t take the initiative, she may never make it herself, and could let me go as a friend..she calls it her “failing.” I think it’s a cop-out, and a way to keep me responsible for the friendship’s survival.
When another argument occurs, and in friendships they do, I am informed that I cannot raise my voice, or she will hang up, which insures another episode of silence, which only angers me further–but she can lecture, and I am to listen. I feel like a dog being trained to hold a biscuit on her nose until her owner gives the signal that she can eat it.
Maybe I’m too concerned with closure, but if this friend really wants me out of her life because of what I’ve done, she can call, email or text with two words: “Get lost.” If she could do that, I’d be out for good, no questions asked, and she’d never have to deal with me again. Problem is, that involves responsibility, and I have found that PA people don’t like that either–it always seems to be someone else’s fault. So it will have to be my move, once I get sick of all of this (and I’m getting there) and she can tell everyone about how terrible I was to her. I can’t feel sympathy for this kind of behavior. It’s a veiled power-grab. Still, the behavior is effective–the more silent she is, the more insecure and needy I feel. I’ve got to figure out how to break the cycle, and learn to cope, or cut my losses.
The dynamics of the silent treatment, and it’s effects, are effective and predictable. I have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment periodically for years (25). It is my wife’s primary response to a disagreement. When you have children, the silent treatment becomes a tool to separate you from the rest of the family. No child wants to get in the middle of that overt, yet unspoken, anger. Having experienced this response forms long gives me some perspective on the situation, but that experience does little to mitigate it’s effects. What I find frustrating is that the silent treatment bars the first step of reconciliation-an apology or in the alternative, words of civility that could lead to the beginning of the healing process. At this point, while I understand the anger (hey, we all get angry or do stupid things, I get that), I can’t understand why the silent treatment continues to be her default response. Be that as it may, I am trying to realize it is her response in anger. I hope to wait it out by removing myself from the environment she is trying to control. Will it be for 2 weeks, for 2 months? That is the difficult part to deal with, because there is no indication as to when it may be resolved, if ever. I just continue to have faith that the love we’ve shared all these years will overcome the anger and the silent treatment response. That’s all I can do, while I continue to try to create a positive environment with my kids in a most negative type of environment.
Why can’t you give an apology and words of civility during a silent treatment? You can easily come to her and talk to her, even if she is ignoring you, you can say “I’ve thought about what I did and I really am sorry. I’m here to talk when you are ready.” You can bring her flowers. You can even write an email to her (that she will undoubtedly read) and send her flowers if you feel she will walk away or can’t stay put long enough for you to get what you want to say out.
She is not stopping you. Men know what they are doing–they are playing victim. If after you apologize sincerely and she continues, then its out of your hands and its her job to either explain that she needs more space because she is still angry, or embarassed and doesn’t know what to say yet or come to you and except your apology or attempt to talk again (and explain why its difficult to talk to you). That’s how it can end, but some men don’t want it to end because then they can’t be a victim anymore.
Has it ever occurred to anyone that giving someone the silent treatment is a natural result of utter frustration? If past experience shows that a spouse who has insulted or injured their mate will either (a) deny the harm (b) deny the importance of the harm (c) or give a half hearted apology and continue the same behavior, there is little point in discussion. For some of us, freezing a person out mentally for awhile is the only way to keep from killing them. I consider the silent treatment a defense mechanism. The fact that we females have to resort to it so frequently has more to do with lack of emotional intelligence on the part of many men. I can see and sense distress in my husband or son’s face at the early stages of upset or anger. If men had, or were willing to learn that skill, they would soon find the silent treatment to be history.
Kim, I COMPLETELY agree with you! Any other form of attempt to sort things out just triggers the same hurtful behaviour… Why would I WANT to give the time of day to that person at the time?
He is doing it again. I told him that it’s my dealbreaker, the next time it happened, I would be done, and yet it’s happening again. I have reached out to him 3x since Sunday and he hasn’t responded one time. It’s Tuesday now. I have decided I will not call him again. And if he contacts me, I just may never speak to him again or answer him so that he can understand I am serious. He has broken me down by doing this too many times. When is it ever enough? When do you let go? What do I say if he contacts me or should I just ignore him too? I am so tired.
What if “talking about it” isn’t an option because that sparks the behavior that caused the silent treatment as a response in the first place. Something as reasonable as akin my partner to clean up the spilt coffee and take away cups that he’s left there for DAYS, provokes unreasonable rages and behaviour with the only thing I CAN do, being to ignore him while I try to get over the hurt and bewilderment of yet another flare up over nothing. Trying to discuss it rationally and calmly? – Yeah right! before I know it he’ll be twisting my words around, his voice rising and somehow I’M the bad person because I’ve had the gall Ro get upset about being yelled at and abused for a completely reasonable request. He doesn’t work, he sits at home on the computer ALL day but can’t find the time to clean up his mess…there’s always some excuse – I’m tired, I don’t feel well, don’t hassle me, you only have to ask me once, no you don’t have to ask me at all, why do you treat me like the maid! – the voice gets louder and louder, he yells, maybe storms out of the house telling me how abusive I am… So really, the silent treatment is my only refuge.
Dealing with the silent treatment again .. the husband is a wonderful guy normally, anything you can think of, he does and he loves/adores me, we are the classic couple in love..but about every six months or so, something I do or say makes him mad, usually something he can’t get his one way about and this time I am not giving in. I get the silent treatment for days, we are going on day two right now with the holiday weekend coming up, charming, another ruined holiday… we have to skirt around each other in the house, normally i can’t get a shower without him, except during these silent times he showers alone, eat separately, no kiss goodnight nothing, its like living alone except more stressful as there is this dark shadow you have to avoid. We have been married for 10 years, I don’t think anyone else would suit me better, but at times like this it really makes me start feeling like maybe we should split up. It really rings true what you wrote above ‘breeds bitterness’, even though I have told him time and time again, I really don’t think he understands the damage he is doing and he is really going to regret it if I actually do get pushed to the point to do something about it.
I am experiencing the cold shoulder right now from my ex girlfriend who i am still madly in love with and i agree that it is a form of torture. I never did anythinhg wrong by her but the cold shoulder treatment is just her way of removing herself from the situation and trying to avoid the guilt i think she is feeling over what she did to me. It is so cruel to wanting to say all these things about how much you love them but not being given the chance. The feelings just bubble up inside of you and you feel physically sick. I dont condone her behaviour but i still love her none the less regardless of the poor attitude she is putting to me. Its quite sad really.
This is ridiculous. The silent treatment is not always this abusive, evil horror that people like to say it is. Many times, an offender plays dumb, and plays innocent and then acts as if they are the victim when a victim has actually grown fed up and tired of appeasing and are disgusted, sad, angry, hurt, afraid, depressed, etc. and can’t talk anymore.
I’ve given my husband “the silent treatment,” but because I don’t have much else of a choice. Talking doesn’t work, because he gets very defensive and insults me ever chance he gets when I have any type of grievance. Me telling him how I feel about something turns into a battle where he tries to one-up me on how much I do to him. If anything, the end result is him saying he will “try” to be nicer to me since I’m so sensitive, try to not talk while I’m talking since I can’t handle people who disagree with me (yes, to him you can disagree about how a person feels inside), try to live up to his end of an agreement and then never come through. He calls me emotionally unstable, needy, crazy, etc. and acts like everything is in my head. And I’m supposed to continue on as if everything is back to normal just because he wants to move on and talk about what we’re doing for Labor Day? Screw that, I’m sad, I’m frustrated, I’m tired. And now I’m even more the bad guy because I not only started the argument (by bringing up a grievance), looked stupid not getting any of my concerns met while taking on blame and insults, but now I am emotionally abusing someone by not talking to them in a happy way after its over (to them its over).
There is usually a backstory behind the silent treatment. But somehow people always mysteriously act like they have no idea what happened and why. Like they were just sitting on the couch minding their business and the wife just stopped talking for days. The solution is always “not to play her game” and ignore her back, give her the silent treatment back, and don’t even think to ask “what’s wrong?” if you really don’t know what’s wrong. Or think to say “I know what’s been bothering you and I’m here to talk to when you want.” That’s all it takes. But of course someone who knows what they are doing won’t do that because then they’d have to face that there is a reason they are being ostracized. The “game” continues usually because TWO people are playing it!
Spoken like someone who has never been on the receiving end of habitual emotional abuse/the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is a form of abuse. The two most important things in a relationship is respect and communication. When either of these has been used against you it’s abuse. If someone is not talking with you then they aren’t interetsed in you they want control. If they aren’t speaking to you they don’t respect your feelings or you period. We wait for the silence to end because we love the person and we think a little silence no big deal, but it is a big deal. Sure, it takes two to particiapte, but if never should happen in the first place which is the point.
Precisely. Communication and respect make a good relationship. It’s unhealthy when you blank/stonewall your partner/anyone you have a relationship. It IS used as a form of control if it’s a pttern when someone doesn’t get their way or is angry. The silent treatment (prolonged) is not the same as saying “Let’s cool off right now and discuss this later.” That is considered respectful. Someone just blanking you and refusing to speak to you is an immature a-hole.
…and look how the respondents proved Ashley right. “I’m a victim! You’re abusing me!” Who’s immature?!
silent treatment should not be used with people who love u and you love them but I think it must be used with people who are 2faced in other words they they show that they love you but in fact they hate you and they try 2 make the best 2 bother you
I found this blog as I was researching ways to overcome my silence and shutting down in the face of emotional pain. For me, the problem is that ST is crippling my life in a myriad of ways, so I must learn to move beyond it. I read most of the posters’ comments here as well as the article.(I’ll refer to people who commit ST as “STers” hereafter.)
I see in so many comments the very reason why the other person shuts down. Let me start here: you are NOT being “abused” because no one is doing anything TO you. The person is simply ignoring you, which is his/her way of controlling him/herself. Got that? Controlling him/herSELF.
I can tell you that there are certain triggers that provoke ST. I notice the repeated sentiment: “…but I apologized.” Really? Now who’s the one being controlling and manipulative here? You cannot merely say “sorry” and think the STer will kiss and makeup. That’s not fair. Most STers are people who process pain slowly. We need time to grieve and heal before we can approach the situation with a level head.
Trigger 1: Yelling. Many STers came from homes where people yelled as a form of control. When someone yells at me, for example, I feel like I’m seven years-old and that the yeller is like my mother. I want to hide. I feel threatened and small. IF I can forgive and move forward, I will need time to build my self-esteem back enough to face you again. And the fact that I even have to go through the emotional turmoil makes me resentful.
Rule: Resentment is the STer’s fuel.
Once I begin resenting the other person, it’s easy to slip into this cozy box of prolonged silence as the resentment continues to feed itself. It’s like hiding under the covers; it’s far more comfortable than communicating and possibly being yelled at or criticized again.
Trigger 2: Violations of trust or integrity. One poster on a different blog about ST said she read her man’s email. Regardless of what she uncovered, the fact is that she had no regard for his right to privacy and their trust in the first place. When people wrong me in ways that are flagrant and disrespectful, it’s difficult for me to tell them what I think they should already know. And if they don’t already know, I grieve more because I know the inevitable split is impending. Some people may stay in the relationship and keep the charade up for years, but resentment is already firmly rooted, and ST can come on at any time, for any (or no) reason further. Essentially, you’ve already burnt your bridge.
Don’t misinterpret me, please. You don’t need to be a “mind reader” to know that you shouldn’t have opened someone’s email or that you shouldn’t use my personal life as community gossip (as one ST-receiving friend of mine did).
Trigger 3: Dramatic, demanding behavior. “Did you just text me ten times in the space of an hour?” You could have texted “please ignore me” repeatedly because that’s exactly what you just provoked. At that point, ignoring you is the only thing I can do to keep from calling you and giving you a piece of my mind for what I deem “crazy” or nagging behavior.
I never want to say something I’ll regret. This is the credo of the STer.
We don’t want to hurt you, even though you’ve hurt us; we do want to wait until you’re calm because we don’t enjoy confrontation with those close to us. Just because I’ve gone toe-to-toe with the surly chick at the grocery store before doesn’t mean I want to have to defend myself around those I love. Say what you want about our passive aggression, overtly aggressive behavior will get you nowhere. (Well, it will get you to Shut-Down City FAST.)
Many posters said they want to sit down and talk with the STer, but you’re not telling us your methods of communication. Nobody wants to sit down and hear a bunch of scathing criticisms. Do you really think I want to show up for that? I’d rather not speak to you at all if that’s where we’re going with this. I’m certainly not going to argue.
So what can you do about ST? One thing is certain: ignoring the STer is NOT your answer. In fact, it lets the STer off easy. “I *never* have to communicate with so-and-so. Good riddance!” is what I think when the other person decides to return the ST favor.
In a perfect world, the person would come to me and say: “I know that I was wrong for reading your email” (or whatever the violation), “I understand if you cannot forgive me right now, but I want to rebuild our trust because you are important to me, and I want you in my life.”
Hey, I just got a little teary typing that because–you know what? No one has ever said anything like that to me. They just continue on with their “me, me, me” ramblings. I’m left feeling like: “Wow. Not only did this person hurt me, but now this narcissist is calling ME ‘abusive’ because I don’t want to sit for his/her BS.”
Almost everyone here talks about what the STer is doing to “me”. Trigger #4: Nothing shuts an STer down like observing selfishness. Keep up the “me” act while disregarding the STer’s feelings, and you can guarantee resentment will keep the STer quiet.
I hope this helps to better someone’s understanding.
I just wanted to share. Every now and then in my relationship with the love of my life, we bump heads occasionally and at times I put my foot in my mouth. If she feels very hurt, she will shut down completely and will not speak, or give me any indication anything that I say is even heard or considered by her. When this happens I try to do the right thing. I apoligize, and admit that I’m wrong and beg and plead with her to snap out of it so that we can talk it out and resolve the issue. We love eachother amazingly, but I have to admit, her ‘shutting down’ or ‘silent treatment’ wears on my soul. The emotional anguish I go through is immense and hate it. I try everything to make things right between us, but she usually doesn’t come around until the following day. She claims this is a defense or ‘survival’ mechanism she aquired in her youth growing up in an abusive home. Is her shutting down on me abusive? I can’t stress anough the amount of effort I put into owning my part in the situation and working things out, but nothing helps her heal from it except time, and in that time I am in agony.
Kali, you need to get help. Seriously. Cause you just don’t get it. I feel sorry for you. Therapy would be a good idea.
Kali, did you post on this site so you could say everything you don’t say to those you give the ST? There is no reason you shouldn’t share these feelings with others in a face-to-face way. If you can’t stand yelling and consider this abuse, then think about the person on the other end of the ST. They believe ST is abuse. If you can’t say directly to another that they violated your trust and have no integrity on their behavior, then why are you violating their trust by “killing them metaphorically?” If someone wants your attention you give them no way to get it when you are ignoring them and then getting angry because they are trying to discuss why you are angry. So what if they text you.
You said you want to overcome your silence. You’ve done it here. Now try doing it in person to the one you usually give the silent treatment. However, be advised that they may have something to say that you must listen to. Is that the real hitch. You think that if you listen to another then you will be weak and vulnerable? No, you will be strong. Ask yourself if you are projecting rage from past events onto the small situations of the present? Are you making the recipient of your ST the bad guy? You will never know if you don’t engage. Not to do so will keep both of you miserable and when that person has had enough, you will be the one who is miserable ALONE.
If you really want to overcome your silence, I suggest you get therapy. Therapy would mean that you have to open your petals and become the blossom you are meant to be.
Read my postings on this blog.
I honestly believe that in a relationship, couples meet eachother halfway. When conflict arises, couples should meet eachother halfway, and work together to resolve the conflict. No body is perfect, people make mistakes, people hurt eachother, and it’s not like it’s on purpose either. I’m sorry but if someone shows genuine and sincere longing to apologize and wants desperately to work out a problem, especially if they own the fault, then the person giving the silent treatment should meet them halfway and work things out. The fact that there is an inability for people to do this tells me that they have some real emotional issues they need to fix. Also, when a person giving silent treatment accuses the other of being selfish for wanting the ST’r to snap out of it, is the ONE BEING SELFISH. What people need to realize is the pain a ST’r causes is more severe than the pain inflicted on them in the first place. It is selfish, and I think it’s not only abusive, but destructive and will cause an end to relationships time after time. Defend the ST if you will, but I am often on the receiving end of it, and I equate it to CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.
Interesting reads, all of it.
I do not necessarily believe that just because person A is giving person B the silent treatment, it is abuse. As with anything, these things are case by case, with none of us knowing what goes on to provoke it.
Sometimes you have no choice but to remove yourself from the situation for a time and give yourself room to breathe and process WITHOUT being chased around the house and badgered to the point of no return as you just HAVE been for the last 4 hours, with the person soon to be on the end of the silent treatment as a result of THEIR behavior, yelling at you, having a go at you because you’re not saying much (mainly because you can’t get a word in edgewise) and when you DO, no matter WHAT it is you’re saying, it’s the wrong thing and fuel for the yelling fire.
This happens to me, i am not one to sit by and let someone heap sh!t on me without defending myself, i don’t immediately start with the silent treatment, not by a long shot, but sometimes this is my only respite and unfortunately because of just how irrational my partner becomes over the most insignificant of things, it doesn’t matter WHAT i do. He says you never talk to me, so i talk… and get yelled at, things get thrown around (not by me). The trigger (in this instance, some old listings on ebay, but enough for him to flare up and tell me i’ve got to stop buying stuff, which i wasn’t) and just bringing it into the house without discussing it with him) is completely disproportionate to the response (verbally attacking me followed by throwing things around and yelling) and bit by bit his aggression is teaching me that to speak is to get yelled at. Why WOULDN’T i just shut my mouth if this is the easiest avenue and less likely to end up with the aforementioned 4 hours of being yelled at – and no, not justifiably so.
Why am i the bad guy because i’ve had to use the Silent Treatment, yet the person with the bad behavior is not, and should be allowed to just get away with a sorry, until the next time.
I for one, see nothing to comment negatively on, in Kali’s post. They realize they have issues with using the silent treatment in the extreme and are looking for ways to help themselves not do that, and for that i tip my hat to them. I personally agree with what they have to say.
While some people actually ARE using the silent treatment as a manipulation technique, others aren’t and SOME people need to realize that if they don’t want the “abusive” silent treatment then maybe they should look to their own abusive behavior that triggers it.
Nicola, you are right; however, if you are in a relationship that requires the ST to get the balance back between the 2 of you, then you need to analyze whether that dynamic is going to lead to a positive long-term situation. There are 2 sides to every story. I recently had a relationship where the guy thought he could yell at me if I didn’t do things as quickly or adroitly as he thought I should. Instead of raging at him for his disrespect and impatience, I yelled back from the other room in assertively and not angry, “Hey, hey!” He backed off and in the end he realized that he had made a mistake in his behavior. Although he didn’t apologize, he didn’t yell anymore. I didn’t have to resort to the ST (which is an anathema to me). If I had shut him off or ignored him, it might have reinforced the behavior. This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I have been the recipient of the ST from an ex-husband for over 20 years and from various members of my family for longer than that. (At times I was so down on myself because of the silence and the lack of interaction and the frustration with trying to explain, discuss and even defend myself that I thought I might as well just die.) I was so pleased that this worked. I have no wish to manipulate another, just to let them know they were out of line, but I just cannot ignore another to get my point accross. In the past the “dynamic” was being ignored and then I pressed for discussion, apologized or surrendered to keep peace and to be loved. None of that worked. The dynamic was cyclical, just endless repetition. If your partner is a “yeller” and you can’t accept that, then I would suggest counseling for you (or both of you) in order to deal with things more constructively, him for his overwhelming lack of tact and aggressiveness, and you for the withdrawal from his in-your-face behavior.
To Kali who posted this below one of my comments:
“Kali
8 November 2011 at 6:04 pm
…and look how the respondents proved Ashley right. “I’m a victim! You’re abusing me!” Who’s immature?!”
Actually, it is you who is coming across as immature. Nowhere in either statement posted that you were referring to did anyone claim “I’m a victim!” Don’t mince words and don’t feel you need to be rude to get your point across. You, actually, are a good example proving the point WE are all trying to make. It’s the “my way is right” attitude, the same as the person who using the ST as a form of control, that sets people back.
In my situation, the offense is usually something I said or inadverdantly did. I put my foot in my mouth, for example, I told her I was hungry and wanted to eat even after eating dinner. She asked me why I felt the need to eat, and I said it was probably bc I was bored. She said oh great, and shut down on me. She took what I said out of context, and I explained that to her, I apologozed for what I said told her I loved her, yet she remained shutdown, unresponsive to me. That is just one example of many. When she does this I am in turmoil. I just don’t know what to do bc when it happens I feel sick and there is no not feeling just horrible until we work it out with dialogue. I’m fair and compromising and want to meet her in the middle and be there for her, but sometimes I feel like she wants to feel hurt and wants to hurt me. Her actions in these situations don’t dictate love in any way and I feel loss and grief.
Hi I hope someone can help me. Ive read a few posts on here and now Im a bit wiser but Im still confused and wonder if someone can help and advise me.
I had been in a relationship for 5 months with what I thought was a wonderful guy, he was very attentive and complementary and it seemed we just clicked. But the more I saw of him I started noticing traits in, he seemed cold and somewhat cruel and when I did see him we would end up arguing due to his silence and staring into space. Im quite an emotional person and also very warm and he wouldnt talk to me he just said it was the way he was.
When we met he was going through a difficult time, I was under the impression that he was seperated from his wife and that he was going to be making plans to divorce but then I learned that he had infact got himself into trouble because of a domestic situation and was infact on bail miles away from where he said he was from.
I stood by him because I had fallen in love with him, he spoke about a future together and one day marrying. I know I should have had a bell ringing then but when you love someone you do look through rose tinted glasses and it was a future to look forward to with him.
When we had had words before I was the one doing all the chasing as he wouldnt reply to my messages, I was the one that always rang him but when he saw me he treated me well so it didnt seem to matter.
Then came the crunch, I stood by him whilst his case went to court I wanted to know how he was and how he was coping but at this stage the texts were few and in the end I rang him up to which he said he didnt want to talk about it.
It is now 4 days since I have heard from him Ive text and emailed but nothing, he has not deleted me off his email list or msn so Im at a lose at what he is playing at.
One thing that does stand out on here is the dominance statement, he did actually say to me once that I should try to control him as I wouldnt win.
Will he ever reply to my texts to let me know if he is ok or do I accept that he just didnt care.
I suffer with depression which he knows about and this last incidence as pushed me close to the edge. My kids arnt talkiing to me because of him Im lost please please help put my mind at rest.
Thank you.
Hi “Heartbroken”
I had to write because your story is very similar to mine, only my situation went on for 3 yrs. I too was in love, deeply in love, so I missed or dismissed many signs. The man who was so lovely in the beginning was there on his terms.
When we were together it was always great, but when we were apart it was as if I didn’t exist sometimes, it felt like he didn’t care – just as you said. And truth be told, he said he did but his actions showed he didn’t.
You have listed some quite serious issues, the silence, replying when he wants to, not letting you know he is ok, not caring about you, the domestic violent past, lying about locations, a defiant statement about control.
I stood by my man too, he was also divorced and in the beginning going through a tough time, I thought it was related to that so I too supported him, and made allowances for that. He will use your support and then when it suits him leave, if he finds it cant 100% control you. Control is not a good thing, short term it may be ok to work through, but longer term will be very difficult. These types need doormats, even eventually even doormats get worn out.
This is a very controlling situation, as was mine which I only later realised after much hurt, trauma and having been pushed to a depressed state and the brink of health too.
I believe these are all to do with selfishness and control. Is this really the man you want to spend your future with, or any kids be near? Someone who won’t consider your feelings or be thoughtful to you, except when it suits him / his schedule. (I had that same thing too, so it’s very strange to read your note.) I found myself doing all the giving, the supportive and little giving coming back, primarily taking on is part, though at the time I didn’t see it that way, as I am a giving trusting kind person and was in love.
Can I ask you is he stubborn too?
Where you have any relationship where the other person is causing your health to deteriorate, ask yourself is that good for you? Is it the type of partner you want? You feel worse because you are picking up on him not considering your feelings.
I am no longer with mine, he literally abandoned me when it suited him, left me very traumatised and he then refused to speak, took 1.5 years before he did. Please don’t do that to yourself. The silence is the control that he uses, he’ll probably have done it since a child, it’s manipulative but its ingrained in their personality by now.
If the man is not talking to you this much in the 5 months which should be the easier and best times, believe me it will get much much worse, and if you were ever married to him, the control I believe then ramps up more. It sounds like what I found out was called a Jeykll & Hyde personality; one is really loving and kind, then it can flips to the mean and cruel side.
You hinted you have picked up on some bad signs. Use your gut instinct, while you may be in love, use your head too. Just the person only by their actions, not what they say at all. What do the actions tell you? Also learn the lessons from the women in his past, don’t learn it the hard way. Generally how they treat ex’s is how you will get treated should it go the same way, for me too he had a difficult break up with his ex-wife. There was some of my warning signs that I didn’t pay enough attention to, because I was “deeply in love”.
Please use your head, trust your instinct, and even more so if he tells you what he is like, consider only his actions and what they stand for, not what he says. His word means nothing, you have seen he has already lied about his location.
The hard part for you will be seeing this, as it’s probably not in your nature to be this way, as you are kind caring giving, precisely the qualities of a person he knows he can get with and try to manipulate for his benefit.
I wish I could be happy about it, but consider the facts, act on them sooner rather than later. The longer you remain in a situaton where your health deteriorates, the harder it becomes to heal as it gets more traumatic.
Hope this is helpful to you. Be strong, be wise, use your head and instincts, protect your heart and emotional mental health, no one will do that for you, you have to. All the best.
Take control of the situation for what it is. A man who truly loves you doesn’t need to dominate or control you.
I meant, “Judge the person only by their actions, not what they say.” In my case I realised too late, and also that his word meant don’t, it was about as solid as water is.
The most important thing for anyone is to take care of their own emotional wellbeing, make sure you do.
Hi Sue, thank you so much for your reply. It has helped a little. Its hard to think that there are men out there that would behave like that, I always try to see the good in people but I must admit I did see his bad traits quite early. I chose to ignore them because his nice side seem to compensate for the not so nice side.
It does hurt and it still hurts to know that he has gone, Ive had problems with anxiety and depression in the past and it made the anxiety come back with avengance. Thankfully that is starting to subside and I cant wait for it to go completely.
Its when I think about him that it starts again.
I feel bad now that Ive hurt so many ppl by putting him first in my life also and hope in time that I can remedy that.
Yes I still miss the guy but accept that it wasnt meant to be and he will be how he was with me with every woman he is with sooner or later.
So perhaps it was for the best.
I dont expect to hear from him now anyway.
Thanks for your replies I appreciate them very much.
Hi Heartbroken,
I feel for you, it was helpful to me too to read your message and see it’s almost a similar pattern. You and I have both had a lucky escape. Seriously, when they don’t talk, it’s not respecting you or your feelings. It’s a very bad thing.
The reason we both end up with depression and suffering is a lot to do with how they are to us, cause and effect, and our own values and their lack of values.
I did the same, disregarded some bad stuff due to the good stuff.
I took me years to realise, I didn’t see the signs for what they were, and ended up very hurt and traumatised by many things that got worse, but I still stuck by him, why?, because I was in love with him! – Not always the right reason to do that. There should be no drama in good relationships.
Count yourself lucky also that you are actually quite emotionally smart and switched on to spot and then act on signs. And even if he came back you shouldnt go to him.
See what your own body is telling you, you’re feeling better now.
I had a very tough time getting over mine, ended up in counselling. I suggest you do that if you feel it may help you.
I have come to realise one thing, yes it does hurt when you start to think about it, so the solution is dont; if you find yourself starting, then stop, do something else, keep busy, housework, etc. otherwise it can lead to depression, as we both know. Easier said that done, believe me I know!!
You are miles more emotionally smarter to me, and I also realise that yes he sadly will be like this sooner or later with any other women. It’s who he is. People don’t change. See what is there, not what you want to see, … I came to learn that the hard way.
And if he does come back, remember what to do, and remember the bad stuff, if needed write it out so you don’t forget.
Protect your emotional health first and foremost. Sure you had a tough time, and it’s taken it’s toll on those around or supporting you, but realise you wised up, and will eventually get back on to the path of finding someone that will be good to and for you. Then your people will be happy for you.
And the reason we find it hard to think there are men out there like that (I’m sure there are women too), is also due to our own value system. You said you always try to see the good in people, I did that too. But now I wised up and have learnt to see what is there, especially when they tell you things, and I think all people do tell you things. It’s up to each to then pick up on that information.
Here’s a tip: watch those couples who are happy and find out what makes them work. I once asked a friend who I knew was happy, were they always happy, any issues, drama? She said no, it was smooth no drama from day 1. It’s an important thing to learn and understand.
Sometimes also when you are too supportive, trusting and wanting to see the good in people, others can take advantage of that, as here.
Take care. Rebuild yourself, for you and then others around you, and then get happy, and you will attract someone right for you.
: )
And yeah I don’t expect to hear from my guy ever too. They seem to only want to be in touch when they want something from you. You watch and see, should he ever get back in touch. Be wiser.
My GF and I have been together for 5 months now and it has been amazing. We both love each other intensely and she makes me the happiest I have ever been. She says the same is true for her. I truly do my best to make her feel special and loved. When I was younger I actively worked to make myself more emotionally available and expressive so that whoever I was with would never have to wonder how I felt about them. The only problem in our relationship is that when I do something stupid and say something hurtful when I’m stressed out she gives me the silent treatment. There isn’t a single other person in my life that has ever given me the silent treatment. My parents and siblings were wonderful and we all resolved conflicts well. So when she gave me the silent treatment the first time it was horrible. I’ve never experienced such emotional anguish. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or get any of my school work done. So far it has only happened twice until two days ago. Its the last week of classes with exams next week and I have about 10 hrs of work/study a night; so I’m pretty stressed. I should mention that we are in a distance relationship. I’ve always made it a point for us to see each other every three weeks because the longer you’re away from someone, that easier it is to forget how special they are to you when you’re angry. She went out with her friends to lunch and to hang out for about 5 hours on wednesday and I had no idea. We’re usually in constant communication so when she disappears like without even a update, I worry. I worry because she gives me the silent treatment without warning. So when she disappears, I don’t know if she is simply busy or pissed and giving me the silent treatment. I tried to explain this to her but I was upset and said it in a hurtful way. I fully own up to being an ass and expressing myself the wrong way. I’ve apologized sincerely but its been over two days and I haven’t heard from her. I haven’t even eaten more than an egg, some toast and half a strip of bacon before I just couldn’t eat anything more. Its killing me. My heart literally feels like its splitting and beating irregularly. At first it was anxiety and pain, but now its pushing me away from her. I love her desperately and believe her to be my true love so I will wait as long as it takes for her to talk to me. I believe she does this for multiple reasons. Her father was vocally abusive and sexually abusive to her mother. They are now split but she hasn’t spoken to him since. I think the main source of her thinking this is acceptable behavior is her mother who is basically a 50 yr old child. Her mother gives her fiancee the silent treatment regularly and I think is where she picked it up as a good method to convey her anger. I beg her each time to simply talk it out with me. I don’t have an angry bone in my body and she has told me on many occasions that I have shown her a whole side of men that she had no idea existed; kind, loving, generous, emotionally open, and respectful. Any insights on how to help her not use the silent treatment on me any longer?
Dear Angela and Nomi
I am living something so similar to Angela. My best recommendation to anyone going through the silent treatment or perceived emotional abuse is Google the following keywords and even string them all together: silent treatment, workaholic, narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, mental and emotional abuse, co-dependent. Everytime, comes up Narcissist and that is what I’ve been stuck with for 35 years. You have to leave and you will survive. I’ve tried all the I love you’s, all the xxxxx texts, all the desparation texts how each day is getting worse. Fantastic they are saying! Do not let them into your thoughts – don’t let them know how you feel or you are fueling it. The more attention we give this stuff, the more we are feeding it and you know if you keep feeding something…… it grows out of control. This is week two of the silent treatment with a little gap of trying to communicate, but I’m told I’m having a go, arguing, the person doesn’t have time for this so the silence begins again. It’s been say four weeks. I was a basketcase and he continued to ignore me instead of telling me off then cheering me up. Isn’t that the most mature thing to do? Would you treat a baby like this? I was told once, treat the one you love as if they were your own baby…… cherish it. He is treating me as meanly as he is treating himself inside – wow, what baggage he must contain. I am in the early stages of leaving and today is a real weak day because I promised for 35 years I would never leave and I’ve kept my word – we are soulmates, but enough of this is enough and I will survive, you will too. Keep busy, even do small things on those really depressed days. Keep moving forward, every day or they will suck the life from you – literally. Do not give in. One thing I learned about myself just last week was I am quite co-dependent – as in dependent on receiving attention from my lover, dependent on him making me happy, dependent on his love. The more I do this, the more he has control and can play his evil game – Narcissism. He’s now a workaholic and I don’t stand a chance. No one is too busy for friends, family and lovers. No one. I have a friend who has had no time to see me in 18 months. Let me point out, it’s nothing personal, she just can’t make time. “We make time for what’s important to us”. Get the message. We all have to wake up and know we all deserve better than this and life truly is too short. Have I wasted 35 years? Enjoy the peace and quiet and opportunity for new thoughts and experiences to enter your life. Keep busy, socialise and you will soon forget you are being ignored – you won’t be, you will have so many new friends. It sounds so easy, so make it easy on you. When the silent treatment ends, don’t go straight back in, have a breather, contemplate things. They can’t just switch you back on like that. Don’t get into an argument, just say you need some time to think. Keep communicating, but have some time to think – they did…. two weeks, a month, etc. Good luck everyone. I have been researching this stuff for a year and I know this guy inside out now. Do not tolerate it! Their loss and it’s opening new doors for us. xx
It seems like the same old story here but for me it is not someone I am married too but someone I was in a serious relationship with. We have known each other since Grad school in 2003 and have always been friends. i pursued her several times in school but she was always in a relation. we met for lunch as I was graduating from Grad school and said goodbyes as I was headed overseas. We maintained contack by email but just as friends. In 2007 she informed me she was moving overseas also but to a different country so we were both estatic. then we started talking more often and got closer. We were talking about me visiting her for a weekend so that was the plan but all the sudden she stopped responding to me in any form and finially said it would not be best to visit her for a weekend so I took that in stride and went on with life even though I had questions why the sudden change in her? It was 2010 and I returned home from overseas and she was overseas but we started talking once again. As time went on we began talking for hours at a time and well feelings started coming back for the both of us. I returned overseas last year so we continued talking once a week 2-3 hours at a time. I had made my mind up even though I had feelings I was not saying anything after the first time she had already did a 360 on me. She just one night said as we were talking I know you are gun shy after what I did to you the last time but we should meet and spend time together to see if marriage is in our future. We agreed and just continued talking but she had no vacation time but I did so I flew to meet her for a couple of weeks. She had made it clear there was some doubts on her part but she wanted me to come see her. The first two days was great with one another then I noticed that next day she spent hours talking to this other woman away from us so red flags went up for me then late that night we were talking and she said I don’t think we will work out! she said I can’t explain it but I feel we will not work…. Yes I was broken, upset and what do you say to that? She put her wall up and she had made her decision. I said let’s enjoy the rest of this trip as friends so that was agreed on. The next day was fine but the day after she started avoiding me completely then her friend came to me and said she is emotionally done so I could enjoy the rest of the trip on my own or go home early so yes i was angry then that she as a 35 year old woman send her friend to tell me this but expect me to do it and act like that is fine after I spent over a $1000 USD to come see her? I went off with some guys for two nights then came back but I had decided I was staying the rest of my time even if it made her miserable to look at me. I had spent too much money and was’nt about to spend more personal money just to appease her so if she felt guilty when she saw me fine she should be feeling this way.
It would be different if I would have give her a reason to come to a quick decision then put a wall up but that it what I am not understanding I am guilty as charged if holding her hand, complimenting her, and giving her a good morning kiss and hug when I saw her before she made that decision. Iwould think most women would like that. we spoke about us a few times afterwards but she already had this wall up and was not listening to anything I had shared so I was wasting my breath. it hurt also if she had doubts about us then she should have came to me to talk and not others and when we talk do not share these little half truths just be straight forward with me.
Iarrived home and texted her like I said I would to let her know I made it home okay but I have not heard anything back from her and she defriended me so as of today I am still getting the silent treatment. I am not wanting her back but closure on the relationship which for me means talking through it not just keeping everything bottled up inside of you. I have thought of calling her or writing her but thankful for friends that have been my wisdom in saying let her go and doing that will accomplish nothing in reality. Healing has been a long road but I am getting there day by day…
It seems like the same old story here but for me it is not someone I am married too but someone I was in a serious relationship with. We have known each other since Grad school in 2003 and have always been friends. i pursued her several times in school but she was always in a relation. we met for lunch as I was graduating from Grad school and said goodbyes as I was headed overseas. We maintained contack by email but just as friends. In 2007 she informed me she was moving overseas also but to a different country so we were both estatic. then we started talking more often and got closer. We were talking about me visiting her for a weekend so that was the plan but all the sudden she stopped responding to me in any form and finially said it would not be best to visit her for a weekend so I took that in stride and went on with life even though I had questions why the sudden change in her? It was 2010 and I returned home from overseas and she was overseas but we started talking once again. As time went on we began talking for hours at a time and well feelings started coming back for the both of us. I returned overseas last year so we continued talking once a week 2-3 hours at a time. I had made my mind up even though I had feelings I was not saying anything after the first time she had already did a 360 on me. She just one night said as we were talking I know you are gun shy after what I did to you the last time but we should meet and spend time together to see if marriage is in our future. We agreed and just continued talking but she had no vacation time but I did so I flew to meet her for a couple of weeks. She had made it clear there was some doubts on her part but she wanted me to come see her. The first two days was great with one another then I noticed that next day she spent hours talking to this other woman away from us so red flags went up for me then late that night we were talking and she said I don’t think we will work out! she said I can’t explain it but I feel we will not work…. Yes I was broken, upset and what do you say to that? She put her wall up and she had made her decision. I said let’s enjoy the rest of this trip as friends so that was agreed on. The next day was fine but the day after she started avoiding me completely then her friend came to me and said she is emotionally done so I could enjoy the rest of the trip on my own or go home early so yes i was angry then that she as a 35 year old woman send her friend to tell me this but expect me to do it and act like that is fine after I spent over a $1000 USD to come see her? I went off with some guys for two nights then came back but I had decided I was staying the rest of my time even if it made her miserable to look at me. I had spent too much money and was’nt about to spend more personal money just to appease her so if she felt guilty when she saw me fine she should be feeling this way.
It would be different if I would have give her a reason to come to a quick decision then put a wall up but that it what I am not understanding I am guilty as charged if holding her hand, complimenting her, and giving her a good morning kiss and hug when I saw her before she made that decision. Iwould think most women would like that. we spoke about us a few times afterwards but she already had this wall up and was not listening to anything I had shared so I was wasting my breath. it hurt also if she had doubts about us then she should have came to me to talk and not others and when we talk do not share these little half truths just be straight forward with me.
Iarrived home and texted her like I said I would to let her know I made it home okay but I have not heard anything back from her and she defriended me so as of today I am still getting the silent treatment. I am not wanting her back but closure on the relationship which for me means talking through it not just keeping everything bottled up inside of you. I have thought of calling her or writing her but thankful for friends that have been my wisdom in saying let her go and doing that will accomplish nothing in reality. Healing has been a long road but I am getting there day by day…
From what you say, I don’t think this person is giving you a punishing “silent treatment.” I think she is just unable to handle situations in a socially appropriate way. I think she probably just folds herself up when anything gets tough, especially emotional interaction. I don’t believe that anything you did set her off. It seems to me that she is just “afraid” of any kind of emotional investment.
Thank you elleke for the wisdom here and maybe this is true. i know she deals with relationships this way she told me of past relationships in which she has a way of just erasing the guy from her life the next day and moving on but I am not that type of person trust me if I could erase her from my life I would because all the hurt and pain she caused me. I am trying to figure out what is behind this problem ? I know she has been hurt in the past but I treated her like a princess the whole time maybe she felt I was too good to be true so she decided to end this before I had a chance to hurt her. I can’t understand how she would do this without seeing the hurt and pain she was causing me. She had to know this but I know she was hurting in her own way. She also made it clear not to keep fighting for her well at least in words and defriending me. I have been writing my feeling down but I never have sent this to her and my friends say do not . She should be the one to make contact with me first that I should not try to reestablish our relationship.
But what if someone just doesn’t like to talk a lot? I will use this article as a “talking” point with a chatty friend, whose feelings I think I have hurt by my silence, but I have nothing against him. I’m just not a talker.
Even if a person is not a talker but knows they are hurting a person with their silence that is wrong even if you are brief be truthful with the person about the reason you are silent they deserve that. I know for me the woman is very chatty so that is not her issue she had rather just pretend as if the problem does not exist or erase it from her life!
Good morning everyone and happy holidays to everyone.
I think I could write a book about the silent treatment aka ambient abuse. I have discovered that I am married to a man who uses this treatment to shut me down and shut me out. It is nothing short of abuse, ambient abuse. This behavior is persuasive and I don’t expect it to improve. We are aging adults and I cannot and will not live out the rest of my years with a self absorbed domineering tyrant.
To any woman out there that thinks, as I did for many years, that retreating and acting in a manner that you would want to be treated as will bring about a positive change through example, DON”T FOOL YOURSELF. Any individual that delights is causing this type of pain in another over and over has little to no conscience. Without such a conscience this individual will not and doesn’t care about you as a person, deserving to be treated with dignity and respect.
I too, “did not believe in divorce” and now I look at my life and see how crippling my marriage has been to me and what I could have been doing for myself and others. I was always walking of eggshells trying not to use the wrong preposition in a sentence to insight a rage “attack” within my husband. My husband decided he didn’t want to continue working several years ago and at this late time in my life I am working 60+ hrs to continue making ends meet for the household.
Unfortunately his was diagnosed with stage 4 colon and liver cancer 18 months ago and not expected to live much longer. It is difficult to watch him slowly decline but I can tell you one thing, even in death he is still the self absorbed, self serving narcissist he has always been.
Hi Jackie,
Thank you for your post, it’s helpful to me, as I was with someone for awhile who I think was the self absorbed narcisstic type, but he broke up with me, and for ages I kept thinking we would have been so good together and I found it really hard to get over him. I always thought I could have married him, had kids, etc, and be happy with him.
Though now having read your post of married life with someone like this I am not so sure and perhaps was viewing it all positively as the empathetic one.
Any insight/advice? As sometimes I do get thoughts from time to time thinking that we could have worked out and very well.
Wow, I am very surprised that so many adults use the silent treatment! I understand for a couple of days, but any longer than that is juvenile and just plain cruel. I (26) have been in a relationship with my 2 sons father (32!) for 3 years or so and this year he gave me the silent treatment for the ENTIRE MONTH OF JUNE for no reason at all except that I am “annoying” even though my behavior is not annoying and does not change. Then one day just snapped out of it. Now again, I am on DAY 22 of the SILENT TREATMENT, including over X-mas. He will leave the room when I come into it and pretends to sleep if I walk by and sleep on the couch unless he can get to the bed before me. He turns his shoulder if I walk in. So how are we suppost to deal with our problems if we can never talk about it? And, isn’t a month excessively long? I couldn’t even do that if I tried. The stupid thing is I never did anything to spark a fight, again, he just woke up one day and said I”m “annoying”. Is 30 days serious grounds for breakup? Or should I wait for him to snap out of it. When he’s not like this he is great and we get a long great, then a switch goes off and he’s just pissed! I am sort of thinking it is a big deal to be ignored 2 months out of the year!!!!! WTF! I realize writing this is so rediculous but I don’t want to admit to many ppl about his silent treatments….
It happened again. I left again. It’s different this time. I guess it’s because last time was only 3 months ago. I’m shutting down to him. I’m not even sure what set him off. Last time he called within 3 days because he knew he crossed the line. This time I get a quick message that says “Get comfortable!” He has used the silent treatment for the last time. Been married 27 years and can’t keep guessing why he’s doing it. Never any resolution or explanation. I am comfortable. Gearing up for a fight over getting my paycheck back.
I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!
Almost three months and I’m still getting the silent treatment and I’ve walked away for good now. So many websites have helped me through this and I thank each and every one of you. Even though we are all going through it, we have helped eachother – how beautiful. The home phone rang on Monday and when I picked up, they hung up. It will be him I guarantee it. Narcissists always come back, but I will not respond. I am frightened he may come and get me or stalk me, but I will deal with that if it happens. I have figured out for 34 years, he’s had this Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Passive Aggressive nature and I am gobsmacked to finally discover it after all these years. I knew something wasn’t right several times, but accepted him for him and believed I was being over sensitive – ah ah. Sad, but I’m moving on. It has been an experience from hell, so so painful like nothing I’ve ever been through. I have always loved him, but I don’t need this. Life is to be lived and enjoyed. I am starting to see the beautiful things again – the sun, the flowers, the birds, bees, etc. Sounds mad, but I forgot about the beauty in our world. Focus on the good things people – silent treatment is not acceptable. Cooling off is fine for say a day or two, but you know silent treatment when you get it. Stand your ground, they may not expect you to, but you will be so proud you did. Empower yourself and take the control back. Do not give your power away to anyone! You don’t deserve it, no matter how much of a nag you were, no matter how out of line you may have been – if it was all your fault, so what, we all make mistakes, I apologised 100 times, but we don’t deserve abuse and silent treatment. Communication is the key to all relationships – I told him, he’s ignoring it. Because he wants to be in control. Off you go then. Do not tolerate it? They do this to us because they can. Eleanor Roosevelt said “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission”. You are CEO of your own life, don’t be controlled or manipulated any longer. Love to all of you. I feel so free now and not going back and I’m amazed how quickly this has come to me – it was a sad Christmas, but three months of this and I am over the worst pain. He’s actually given me peace with his silence. Delete them from your email, phone, etc. It helps. And keep busy with all sorts of things as it takes your mind off it. Don’t be scared in case you get over or forget that hurtful person….