Thank you for saying this and sharing your feelings to gain insight for what you must be going through.
I think that all we can do is control our own actions and a straightforward and nonthreatening invitation to talk is not abuse, no matter what.
I really think that we should start looking at ourselves, and stop wasting our time- if there is a problem, it’s usually not just on the other side, its within us, so take a look at yourselves and stop complaining. The latter is I think the most destructing part of all this- complaining is not going to help with your life, it’s only going to make it worse. Get rid of all the anger and unnecessary life destructive passion- this is why people ignore you/or don’t want to talk to you, because the behavior is health and emotionally destructive. Otherwise you’ll be just as pathetic as the other side and sitting in front of your computer and looking at hundreds of posts and websites is NOT going to solve your problem- what you are experiencing is just the result of today’s society(or the people who drive it, due to personal interests) and you not grasping the source of the problem. Concentrate your life on achieving something important for your family, as well as the society- until
we get over the past, fortunately and the present is constantly improved, it is better- just go outside and look at the sky. You know what the main problem is- it is just EASY, it is SO EASY to just give up on the depression, sad feelings, Relax and say, oh I’m so pathetic, somebody help me, let me share it and see how many more depressed people are out there- you know what this is called, it’s called LAZINESS. Unfortunately it’s not your fault and it’s in human nature to go after the easy way- feel depressed, like a piece of liver lying on the couch, it’s easier to leave the family/ partner. it’s easier to take the money, instead of doing the right thing, it’s easier to ignore the source of the problem- inside us. You can do anything, you just have to really want it- when you don’t want it 100%, it’s just not going to happen…
Think about it!

Sorry to hear your pain, thanks for the posting. The last part of your message is the thing you do need now.

And you are so right about not rewarding bad behaviour. I was too polite and good with my ex, rather than say some things to tell him off, I didnt because I loved him a lot. With hindsight I think that is the wrong approach you have to pull up these types on their behaviour or it’s like you allow it by not. Then they do more, or dont realise the impact of the actions possibly.

I also agree now, if things are not ok and not fine, then you cant say they are for keeping the peace, etc. If you are not ok and not happy, absolutely it needs to be said, but only when they are open to listening, if getting the silent treatment say it once, then leave it until they are (if ever) ready to listen.

Be strong, heal, repair, treat yourself, give your focus and energies to those who are present in your life now, those people only, and those who make efforts towards you.

I wish you well, feel sorry for them, pity them for their actions, and lack of wisdom. At least you will go through your life having a good conscience.

Second, I am listening. I know I have to focus on myself and get healthier for me cause I only have me now, as has been for the last 7 years. I admit I am nervous, about 6 months ago I had to go to the ER and realize that I have no one to help in case of any emergency…so I am just shaking I suppose. I think it might be too late, cause i feel I cannot hold on to feeling strong and healthy.

I guess that leads to my next thought, from the comment that Rene made, how her daughter told of her having a kid, eventually sending a gift and then seeing pictures of a celebration which did not include her.

I just experienced this exact scenario. My daughter had a 2nd baby. The first time, on a days notice I traveled overseas to be there and brought a cadillac of baby carriages for the baby. I tried so hard. I was there for a week. After being with them for a week, and most of that time, my daughter had nothing to say to me, i spent most of the time with my son in law, after paying for my trip, the carriage, food for them , food for a party for them, carrying chairs for the party blocks and blocks, making speeches about how wonderful they are, after all that effort, from the day I left them 2 years ago, was the last time I heard from them until this next birth.

They informed me of my new grandson by email, not even a phone call. and in an email addressed to 17 other people, most of whom I did not even know. They are religious, very religious, talk about God all the time, Thank God this, and Thank God that, Thank God for a blue sky and Thank God for a baby and Thank God for the cake and Thank God for waking up but somehow they forget to Thank God for their father. So as the grandfather, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity to be at the naming party of my grandson, but,

I was not invited to the naming party.

I have not been invited to see my first grandson since I last saw him overseas over 2yrs ago.

I was not invited to see him when they visited New York for his birthday last year in 2009 to have fun with my x who no doubt is relishing every moment of my torment.

I have not been invited to visit them in Houston for close to 2yrs now.

I receive no calls on father’s day, my birthday, any holiday, anytime so I can speak with my grandson.

I heard through the grapevine that a permission from a ‘religious’ figure was given to exlude me from my grandchildren.

Being included on an email is not being included in the life of my grandchildren.

but they included me on the email…wow…how great , to be included on an email like im a friend from high school.

so , at first , i was going to write, how good the kids look and let me know when i can see them.

then, i heard from my in law ( son in laws mother who from the time she met my x has consistently said that my x is a cold monster and has brainwashed my kids against me) that my x went to the naming party in houston and was on the way again there this last thursday.

so, i was thinking about it. Why should I continue this charade? and pretend as if I am so happy and proud of them when I think they are brainwashed and suck for excluding me. I know my x is behind it but why should I REWARD their shitty behavior with a gift for my new grandson? why should I reward this behavior with a feigned happiness? why should i give anything? Im hurt! damn it.

so, in response to the email, i just sent back to my daughter and son in law.

“I cannot tell you how painful it is to be excluded. I am very disappointed”

I heard back from my son in law in about 45 seconds, usually I hear back from an email in 6 months or longer.

He wrote:

“I dont undersatand. You are very included!!!”

can you believe that? He lives in a fantasy world that I am very included in their lives despite everything i listed above.

So, I do know that he is in the middle, and I dont want that, notice I did not hear back from my daughter.

and I didnt want to list out the obvious..so i just wrote..

“i do not expect you to be in the middle of this, i am only curious in what way do you think i have been and am in the lives of my grandkids?”

that was sat nite…so far i have not heard back and might never hear back…

so Renes post further made me think that the idea of rewarding crappy behavior with nice behavior makes no sense and is counter productive and rene, I am sorry for your pain, I know how it feels and it is brutal and just so debilitating.

and if i dont hear back from any of them at this point…screw it…my health has gone down the drain as a result of caring about them so much to the exclusion of myself..how stupid..

im done.

my approach now is respond to the behavior to me, if it is bad, then dont pretend that I am happy.

im not happy. im done. i wont send cards, gifts, calls, emails, texts or any pretense that I am okay with how I am being treated.

i just have to focus on me…im alone here in the city….have to try and stay okay…

im trying..fighting..but not doing a great job…i think ive wasted too many years CARING about those who dont care about me or who are too brainwashed to care about me…

how sad.

i need help from the real god…not the fake one that people thank…thank god so i can torment my own dad or my x…what kind of crap god is that? i hate that notion of god…any god that supports the silent treatment and hate and killing in that religioun is worse than a dog to me..yea i m hurt

i need help from the god that cares..and that doesnt hate and that does not condone hatred and the silent treatment…if there is such a god like that..would help.

sorry for rambling.
Richard

My oldest daughter contacted me at a point to tell me she was having a baby. I took that as a sign she wanted to reconnect and reconcile. We exchanged brief emails for several months. I bought and sent gifts for her pregnancy and layette items. Then I see on Facebook photos of her titled “friends and family” at the baby shower. So although she did let me know my gifts arrived I won’t ever get invited to “the party”. Last year I helped a young coworker to have a wedding and since then she and her family treat me more as family then I’ve ever been treated before. If I was sick near strangers would give me a ride to a hospital. My kids probably would ignore my call and leave me for dead. The situation only changed a tiny bit to the better when their father died.

Most of the time I carry this empty heart of overwhelming grief to have losst my children, a future with their spouses and future grandchildren. Heh..their dad wanted all and everything and “nothing” for me. He promised me he’d make sure I had “no familY”. It’s the only promise he ever kept.

You need to be with someone respectful. It will take a certain type and a lot of effort on their part to be with someone like this who manipulates and for it to work well.

Go enjoy yourself, set your boundaries, stick to your ideal of what you want, e.g. not doing a long distance thing, and its very important to watch for the just the actions and also the unspoken signs. They speak volumes! Also anything your gut feeling tells you, just really try to listen to it. It will protect you correctly, learn to listen to it, so there was a reason it told you to look at the phone, dont let him blame you in any way, when he was at fault, that is classic manipulative behaviour, making you feel bad to apologise to him, it’s controlling.

Remember: all that glitters is not gold.

Check that wikipedia link I posted earlier, it has a fab list of signs to watch for, e.g. lying by omission, etc. Learn from the other posters here too, the advice is invaluable, it has certainly helped me understand that actually I was not the problem. But I was dealing with that type of personality, of which I am not, so what happened occurred, and they were the cause of most of that, no matter what they want you to believe.

And initially I thought they may be in denial or not realise their actions, but no, that is me making excuses for him, he knows how to manipulate, he’s probably learnt it from younger and used it all along the way. It worked for him before, and sadly it’s ingrained behaviour now. You cant change others, nor should you wish to.

As you are not married to him, or with kids by him, feel that you had a lucky escape from such a person, and go treat yourself, you are a valuable person, be happy, be georgeous, and go find a man who will love and respect you in the correct way you deserve.

I wish you well.

It’s the way these types deal with it, you no longer serve a purpose for them so they abandon you, and they do it fully. They dont appear to have shame, empathy and compassion, not the ability to consider your feelings.

It’s a real an immature and disrespectful way of behaving. I havent seen my ex for just over a year now. For all he knows I could be dead, he doesnt care. And precisely, sadly because we are compassionate, do care, and have empathy you are left feeling as you do. It’s simply a mean thing to do to someone, let alone someone who was so trusting and close to you.

But these types care only for their own emotions. If you look at the situation again, you will see just how things were done, but for their own benefit.

Count yourself lucky it was 3 months and pleade try not to spend more time on thoughts about this man, I know it’s hard. For me, it’s been 4 years that I thought I knew him.

Dont contact this man who cant have the decency to respond to you. Put your efforts towards those who are present in your life.

Go find a man who knows how to behaviour better, and be more respectful of you. You resally do deserve much much better. But next time watch out for the signs, the unspoken ones are more important, and remember it’s only the actions that count, no matter what they say. It’s the actions that count.

Take care of yourself too. Do something fun for yourself, but yourself a treat to cheer you up.

How are you doing now it’s March 2010?