Comments on: The Silent Treatment – What You Are Saying By Not Saying Anything At All

By: confuzzled

confuzzled — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:02:24 +0000

I get this all the time from my mother, then again she was abused for a year or so before I was born, so that may have something to do with it.
She also accuses me of emotionally abusing her, insulting her or trying to control her in some way, which is really far from the truth. I try to be as diplomatic as possible with her but still in some way will come off as insulting to her, which is really making me start to believe that she’s an untreated bipolar or something (Menopause probably has something to do with it as well?). I’ll just mention something that surprises me about her or give a comment and she takes it as an attack and then turns it against me by using the “silent treatment”. She does this all the time and it seems to come and go in cycles. Also, when something doesn’t go her way she basically shrugs it off as “people want to screw me over”. It’s weird stuff, guys and it has only become worse after my grandmother (her mother) died a few years ago.

I just wish we could have an emotionally healthy mother/daughter relationship talk out our differences like normal folks do, but she seems to be completely on the defensive all the time. I’m trying my best not to get sucked into her emotionally damaged behavior.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:54:04 +0000

Hi Sarah,

It sounds like you have a typical narcissist on your hands. The pattern of dumping and returning to you is called ‘devalue and discard’ followed by ‘hoovering’ where they suck you in all over again.

Please go to an incredible forum I came upon by accident some months ago that literally saved my sanity. I promise you will come to understand very quickly what he is doing, why and how to deal with it. It’s at lisaescott.com.

Lisa E Scott posts regularly on there and the support from her and other members is tremendous. You ALWAYS get many replies to any questions or topics you want to bring up, no matter what they are, and the forum is helping a lot of people through a lot of pain. And what is really validating is that other people have experienced exactly the same thing – even the small, insignificant stuff we brush aside – and at last it feels like it’s about them, not us.

Let me know how you get on x

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:00:41 +0000

Well It’s happening again! I made the mistake of maintaining contact with my EX and I’m back to the same place as I was when we broke up. A depressed and pitiful wreck. We broke up about a month ago and a few days later, he started texting me. We kept texting back and forth, updating each other about our lives and what we were doing over the weekend. I honestly thought that this would have led to a reconciliation on both of our ends. EVen though he broke up with me out of the blue, and had no reason to end things…. I still had this lingering urge to get back with him. So he called me last Wednesday, sounding extremely chipper and happy. We had a good conversation, and in the end he stated that he would like to meet up with me over the weekend. I hung up the phone feeling extremely happy. The weekend came and went, no word from him. Now it has officially been over a week since that phone call and I have not heard from him. He never even called about “hanging out.” Why does he keep doing this to me? As soon as he has got me on his boat, he starts ignoring me, and I have to get right back off again. It is very emotionally draining every time he does this. I constantly look at my phone to see if he has texted or called, and become extremely dissapointed when there is no sign of him on my cell. I hate him for what he does to me but at the same time, I can’t let go of it because I love him so much. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have a feeling that he will never want to meet me, and him saying “lets meet up” is just like playing a game for him. He says it just to hear the eagerness in my voice, and after he receives that sick high, it’s right back to ignoring me again. I suppose the best thing to do is to cut off, now I just have to deal with the pain in letting go of the false hopes and start the recovery process all over again.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:27:42 +0000

Hi Gretchen

I’m so glad to hear that you’re taking control and moving on. I really hope he’s either changed his ways because you’ve clued into them and they don’t work on you anymore – or you’ve decided to move on without him.

It’s great (if that’s the word in these circumstances) to hear that I might have offered some useful advice to someone who was where I was a few weeks ago – and still am somtimes. Odd isn’t how complete strangers can come together, never actually meet and yet help each other through dark dark times like no one else can, not even our friends.

Let me know how you’re doing. I’m still coming to terms with being completely cut off and ignored in an entirely undeserving way. I even accidentally sent him a text meant for someone else just a few weeks ago – and he ignored that. Even time couldn’t soften him up. Just a horrible person once the mask is off.

Drop me a line, hope you’re doing well x

By: Veronica

Veronica — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:28:19 +0000

This is the first time that I feel compelled to write something. I didn’t know there were so many people out there that gave the silent treatment. I am a woman working with another woman in a small office, just the two of us. When she first started, maybe for the first two years, everything was fine, and then it happened. I said something that offended her. She wouldn’t talk to me for days, and then eventually, she came around and we were able to talk about it openly, and she seemed almost glad that I became so upset and I had a hard time sleeping. That was 5 years ago, and now it happens about every two weeks. I honestly believe that she is bipolar or has very serious mental problems. Everytime she does that to me, I like her less and less. I am a pretty open person and I am willing always to hear why she is mad at me and how we can work to resolve our problems. Lately, though, when she goes into her silent treatment, I end up doing the same to her because I am so tired and frustrated over the whole situation. To be honest,if I didn’t work with her I would walk away from a crazy person like this and never want any contact with her for the rest of my life. But I have no choice and I don’t know how to deal with this. There is no chance of either of us leaving our jobs.

By: butthatsjustme

butthatsjustme — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:31:23 +0000

I’ve been on both sides of the silent treatment. I was married and lost a later relationship because both partners and I practiced the silent treatment. The behavior in my family goes back generations. I’m not a counselor or therapist. Some things I’ve come to realize about silent treaters and my experience I’d like to share:

1. There may be deep-seated unresolved emotional issues in the initiator that most likely precede the relationship and may have nothing to do with the target of the silent treatment. i.e. it may not be you.

2. The typical initiator defense is to attack the target overtly or passively when confronted about the formers behavior, i.e. emotional child. Participating in their silent treatment game gives them their power. This is where a lot of us mess up. Imagine being in a tug of war.

Set your personal boundaries clearly. “I don’t have to tolerate unacceptable behavior from anyone, specifically the silent treatment I’m getting from you”. Answering the “I don’t know what you mean” response is a trick to keep you in the struggle. Imagine again being in a tug of war, simply dropping the rope and not picking it up again. Saying anything more is counter-productive to taking care of yourself. Say it without emotion. Practice with someone else if you have too. Detachment is essential as emotional tone of voice, body language or gestures will defeat your message. Above all, stay calm and your boundary only has to be told once to the initiator so it’ll have the greatest effect. Repetition will undo your efforts.

Do not make any threats that you don’t intend to carry out. Do not make threatening physical contact with the initiator.

Then go out and do something healthy for yourself and without guilt. If asked later, you can say, “I went out to do something I like.” You don’t have to say anything else because you answered the question and respected your personal boundary.

Try to go about your life as you would if the initiator were talking to you. Demonstrate to yourself that you don’t require responses to everything you say or do. Examples are “Good Morning”, “Hi” or “Good Night”. Is an answer really that important? Asking that question helps you identify your motives.

3. If the silent treater gets physical, then call the law. Get out if you can. Threatening statements or physical contact in a relationship is domestic violence. The police are required by law to answer every call. Let the police sort it out.

4. You will be constantly ‘invited’ back into the silent treatment ‘dance’ by the initiator. Look for the clues, most are obvious and some will be subtle. If you step into the ‘dance’ and then leave later feeling worse than before…you may have accepted an invitation. Trying to figure out what/why the initiator is up to can drive even the most sane people nuts. It’s not your job to get inside their heads.

5. You can change your behavior, not theirs. It’s okay to give yourself permission to find help for yourself. Learn with the support of someone else on setting your personal boundaries. Leaving family and friends out of your efforts may help keep those relationships and maintain a healthy level of privacy for you. Learn about how your expectations can sabotage your efforts. Learn about shaming tactics. Learn about co-dependence.

Looks simple, but it’s not easy. It’s about your progress and not perfection. Whatever the case, you’ll be taking care of yourself. If you don’t get it ‘just right’, then try again and keep at it. It took a while for you to get here and it may take a while to begin feeling better again about yourself.

The relationship will either get better or worse and sometimes it won’t be up to you.

You are not alone. This blog is evidence of that. You can feel better. I’ve been working on all of the above for some time now. Some of my relationships are simply broken, others are slowly healing and my current relationship is doing okay. I took the first steps and let everyone else figure out what they wanted to do. I still wash, rinse, repeat. That’s just the way it is for me as I work on undoing decades of my dysfunctional behavior. I forgave myself too. I’m just another person with feelings. How I act on them is up to me. The freedom I have now from being my own person and not the master of others is simply priceless.

Good luck.

By: Venus

Venus — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:44:14 +0000

Try being married to one of these. It’s absolutely awful. My husband would do this at first for 1 or 2 days and then it progressed into weeks, the most recent one lasting about 1.5-2 months. Can you imagine living in this environment where not a word is spoken? I used to call him to apologize all the time (for what, I don’t know) and always was the one who’d speak to him, after he’d ignore me and walk by me for days on end but that all ended a month ago when I left my marital home. I waited til he was at home and left. We are now “separated.” In addition to stonewalling me, he is rude, mean, and has told me he will do and say things just to upset me. Why would anyone do this? We have been together for 6 years, married for almost 3. Now he finally admits he has done and said the wrong things & should think before speaking but it’s like he still doesn’t get how all the silence is at the top of my list. Has anyone else been in a marriage like this??? What do you do? Each time I call him on it, he counters it with something that I have done wrong, totally unrelated! And these people want you to grovel. They get high off it. They will never give an inch. My experience is that it has worsened over time. At the end of his most recent ‘no talking’ spell, he came up to me and asked me if there was any particular reason I was ignoring him. I said, “No. I am just tired of trying to placate you.” I told him I was done. I do not deserve to be treated this way by anybody. He was not always this way, in fact quite the charmer, but as soon as we married, he did a 180. Even out in public he acts like I bother him. I just want affection from my husband. To the people who are single and dating, if someone does this to you once without apologizing sincerely, DROP them. Do not let it get as far as anything serious or a marriage. The day after our wedding, my husband didn’t speak to me until about 6 p.m.! On his birthday this year, I woke up and wished him a happy bday, left him a present on his nightstand, and he didn’t even look at me! Didn’t say one word and just walked out the door! He didn’t speak to me for ONE week, people! No reason why other than that he was “mad at me.” For what?! Now he calls me and tells me he thinks we both have to be willing to work on our issues, that we should go slow. I have given him so many chances to the point I don’t know what to do anymore. Everytime I do, he lets me down. I was raised in a happy family so this is otherworldly to me. His family is also nice so I have no idea where this comes from. I do know that it has caused me severe anxiety and depression, it’s so invalidating to me ignored by your own husband. I have gone to kiss him on the cheek before and he will tell me that he’s busy. With what? I’m not even sure this is salvageable. We don’t have children, which is a plus, cause I can’t imagine them being in this situation with daddy not talking to mommy. At the end I was just avoiding him also like he does me because I was so tired of being rejected by the one man who is supposed to love me. I am in my late 20s, attractive, work a full-time job, and am a very happy person so it sucks being with someone so negative. He did go to counselling with me after refusing it for months, he went one time and never went back. I still go. Alone.
I know this: if someone ignores you, move on. It’s not worth your time. It’s a severe form of emotional abuse and they want to control/punish you.
I would never do this to anyone close to me. It’s so hard when you are married to someone like this. Advice??? Anyone who is married & has been through this?

By: butthatsjustme

butthatsjustme — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:25:44 +0000

To me, the silent treatment is about nothing more than unrestrained feelings of selfishness and control in the person initiating the silent treatment. I’ve seen some really messed up behavior stemming from the silent treatment tactic. No need to go into what’s already been written.

It takes courage to say, “I’m having a problem and I’d like to talk about it with you”. People that aren’t emotionally available will either run away or use your vulnerability against you. Total silence is BS and shows me I’m dealing with an emotional child. Sadly, those people wind up robbing themselves of the quality relationships they want so badly in the first place. Yes, I know exactly what I’m writing about because I’ve done all of the above, genuinely regret my past behavior and I’m still dealing with the fallout from things I did so long ago. Counseling got me to ‘see’ what I was doing to myself.

All that said, I’ve sometimes ended relationships that are simply broken. Continuing a dead relationship makes me codependent.

By: Gretchen

Gretchen — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:41:30 +0000

Hi Lisa,
Well a few more weeks have gone by and a lot has transpired. I got tired of waiting for him to contact me to talk and just showed up one afternoon at his place. I told him that I just needed 5 minutes of his time. I thought I was going there for closure, to say goodbye. He seemed very happy to see me and invited me to sit down to talk. I apologized for any lack of communication, etc. and told him that I had always wanted to talk. He managed to turn the whole thing around so that he was the victim. I fell for the whole thing. He told me he had missed me and wanted me back. He wanted things back the way they were. In the moment, thinking that things could go back to how they were I agreed to this. Interesting thing is that over the time that was by myself, I was really taking it all in, reading and listening to the Lisa E. Scott website. Something changed inside of me. I have given myself the permission to do at any time what I feel is what I need to get through this. I am sooo seeing things for what they really are now. I have really internalized what has happened and he is no longer nearly as important to me. I understand his m.o. and know that the relationship will never work. Something that I wanted and needed, but no longer do. I am still seeing him, but each time, I am more detached and it feels really liberating. I know that this is a time of growth for me and I am hoping that I truly can move on and feel really good that I have learned a lot from that relationship. How are you doing?? I hope you are well. Please know that your support really helped me during a very difficult time.

By: Debbie

Debbie — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:43:18 +0000

Renee thankyou for your reply. I have tried this approach with him but i still cannot get through. This is how he behaves whenever life throws anything remotely challenging at him.

What really irked me off the other night when he told me all about his work situation was the fact he kept mentioning a girl he works with and stressed that he felt so sorry for her because of the amount of pressure she was under he was doing his best to help her out and take some of her workload from her. He said he saw her crying and couldnt help but feel he wanted to wrap his arms around her and console her. Meanwhile i am taking all the flack for it.